With all the hubbub and stuff to do during the holidays, it’s entirely possible that you forgot to make your New Year’s resolution.
I never do it for a couple of reasons. One is that I find the date to be completely arbitrary, not unlike the made-up date that (we) Christians assign to the birth of that Jesus guy.
Second, I find it odd to pick one day to start on a self-improvement plan. Second, I see my life as an ongoing project, with self-improvement being like interest, compounded daily.
But, here are a few people’s resolutions for your perusal:
I, Kari Lake, resolve to keep talking about how Donald Trump got cheated in the 2020 presidential election. That’s obviously a winning strategy. I mean, I won in 2022, but I got cheated, too. Seriously, how is it even possible for me to lose to Katie Hobbs? I could have won that race if I hadn’t said a word during the general election. Talking over and over and over again about how the president and I got cheated should have given me a margin in the hundreds of thousands of votes. I used all the right words — “rigged” and “stolen” and “voter fraud.” Arizonans love talkers. Even those 1.7 million Arizonans whom Fox News falsely claimed voted for Joe Biden in that election that was rigged and then stolen through voter fraud love talkers. Especially if the talker has a winning message and keeps repeating that same message in every speech and every interview and at every crackpot right-wing gathering and…
I also resolve to keep up with my cardio because I was able to say all that without pausing to take a breath.
I, Jedd Fisch, resolve to stay at the University of Arizona for the rest of my career, until (as Richard Pryor said) my toes is old and my fingernails is doity. I’ll keep doing miraculous things, winning four or five more games than the year before until we max out, and I’ll stay at Arizona because I’m super loyal to the people who gave me my first head coaching job. And I further resolve to not care that coaches who are vastly inferior to me are making five to 10 times more money than I do.
In one of the many memorable scenes in “The Karate Kid,” Daniel-san’s mentor gives a life lesson as he mentions grapes. He says, “Walk on road, hmmm? Walk left side, safe. Walk right side, safe. Walk middle, sooner or later, get squished like grape.”
I, Kyrsten Sinema, would really like to take Mr. Miyagi’s advice, but I can’t seem to make up my mind. Should I resolve not to make any resolutions? And if I do, will everybody else in the U.S. Senate follow my lead (as they should)?
As in every new year, I, Benjamin Neganyahu, resolve to do everything in my power to keep my chicken ass out of prison. I’ll try to destroy my nation’s Constitution. I’ll pretend that the Oslo Accords don’t exist. I’ll continue supporting the building of illegal Israeli settlements on West Bank land that doesn’t belong to Israel and then I’ll use the Israeli military to back up the illegal occupation of that land. I’ll make deals with racist devils to keep myself in power and out of the slammer.
Most importantly, I resolve to drag out this war as long as possible. I’ve read “1984.” I know that it’s unpatriotic to attack Bitch Brother while the country is at war. I also remember when the Argentine junta attacked the British Falkland Islands and started a war so that they could stay in power for another couple months. Yeah, I’ll keep this going as long as I can.
I also resolve to learn how to say “L’Etat, c’est moi” in Hebrew. For, I am Israel and Israel…c’est moi.
There are also a few other resolution suggestions that I have for people.
Talk show host Jimmy Kimmel should resolve to sue the unvaccinated crap out of NFL jackass Aaron Rodgers after the blowhard quarterback suggested that former Tucsonan Kimmel was somehow linked to dead criminal perv Jeffrey Epstein.
Politician Abe Hamadeh should resolve to cut his considerable losses and end his campaign in the race for the 2022 attorney general’s office before he starts to run in the 2026 election.
It sucks to have lost by a few hundred votes out of more than a million cast, but sometimes it jus’ be’s like dat. He should console himself with the realization that his incessant screaming about “illegal aliens” led to the discovery and disclosure that his own father was in the U.S. illegally. That tidbit probably cost him more than a few hundred votes.
Pop singer Taylor Swift should resolve to get out more and maybe be seen by a few more people.
University of Arizona President Robert Robbins should lean into the school’s “Wonder” PR campaign, as in “I Wonder what happened to that $150 million.”
Rudy Giuliani should resolve to beg those two election workers whom he defamed to let him keep some of that $148 million that he owes them so that he can build a time machine and go back to a time when he wasn’t the most-reviled and pathetic man in the entire country. It’s not even any fun to ridicule him anymore.
Happy New Year!
