MY NAME IS Mike Loverush, but everybody calls me the school janitor. For the first time in years, I'm taking a vacation with my kids, blue-eyed Barry, age 3, and blond Reagan, age 4. So far this week--and heavens to Betsy, it's only Wednesday--I've taken them to Magic Carpet Golf for some pill-chasing, Chuck-E-Cheese for pizza and screaming, to the Tucson Children's Museum for air-conditioned fun, to the Flandrau for air-conditioned fun with science, and to the Foothills Mall for story-time at the Barnes & Noble.
Don't get me wrong. I love vacations, but I haven't been able to afford one. I save best I can, but so much of my money goes to keep the lights on at the White House there just isn't much left. Golly, those taxes. I'm darn sure a patriot, but sometimes I don't sleep nights wondering how I'm going to pay for it all. My job pays $32,500, and it don't take a math whiz to know how far that goes.
Speaking of patriot, I get my hair cut at this barber shop owned by Guzman--he's a Vietnam vet, too. He does these designs on heads with his shears. He specializes in mesas--you know, making your head look like you got a square block sitting on top of it. Other barbers do other designs, but Guzman, he can't. Something went wrong overseas, up in his mind, and all he can do is mesas.
So, I had old Guzman buzz a mesa into my melon--and then, in honor of the best place in the whole world, I had him put colors into it, red, white and blue. Yup. I've got an American flag plastered on my head. If you want to know how the rest of me looks, well, I'm short, real stout, got big blue eyes, and a nasty scar on my neck from where my own guys napalmed us. Folks tell me I'm half-smiling all the time. I guess on account of I'm happy. Oh, yeah, I wear these black glasses like Drew Carey.
Well, the last place we went the day in question--I've always wanted to say that--was Reid Park, right by the duck pond. Me, the kids and Marta was having a picnic. But I kept seeing this guy peering at us from behind a tree. Then I seen a lady coming toward us and Marta said, "Hey, hon, that's Becky Duckrump, from the TV. Yoohoo! Becky!"
I knew what she wanted. The other night Reagan and I were feeding the ducks and this owl dropped out of a tree in front of us. I was going to pull its head off, you know, to put it out of its misery. But Reagan thought it might make a good pet. We mended the wing, took it home and named it Phil.
But ever since then, I've noticed these people hanging around outside the house. Young guys with beards who look like they slept under a tree, and girls with mustaches who look like they slept under a tree. And a U.S. Fish and Wildlife truck. I'd been doing some reading and knew it was about Phil. I worried they might storm the house, but I thought, 'Nah, this is America. They can't bust in on private property just because of a lousy owl.'
Anyway, Duckrump walks up to me and says, "We know about Phil."
"Yeah," I said. "We got him in a cage."
"Tell me, Mr. Loverush, does he look like this?" From her purse she jerked the Maltese Pygmy Owl.
"Actually, yeah. That's Phil to a tee."
"Just like I thought," said Duckrump. "Sweet, get over here!"
The guy who'd been hanging around walked up. "What've you got, Toots?"
"This guy here, he's got an owl at home that looks like the model for this whole thing. And we need it."
"A model?" I asked.
"Yeah," said Duckrump. "She's the mother owl. She's carrying the biggest and purest load of owl extract on four continents. A drop of that in the water supply of this town and...Pow! Long Beach and Canoga Park come to the Old Pueblo!"
Reagan started to cry. So did Barry. "You mean, you're going to take Phil? No, please, no!"
I was livid. "But he's a child's pet! My home is private property!"
"Tell it to the judge, mister," Duckrump said.
Just then, squad cars rolled into the park, then the coroner's wagon. We watched them load a body onto a stretcher. It was awful. I packed up the kids and Marta and got us home. We barricaded the doors and got out our embargoed assault weapons. I stuck a sign on the lawn.
It said: "Live with Phil or Die!"
