December 21 - December 27, 1995

Little Lumps From Santa's Coal Bin

By Sidney Philips, Dan Huff, Emil Franzi and Little Jimmy Nintzel
Illustration by Rand Carlson

THE GREENS ARE pissed at Ed Moore for voting for every rezoning that comes his way; the builders are enraged he pushed the CAP initiative; foaming gun nuts are hot and bothered over his support for a gun buy-back program; fiscal conservatives are livid over his money-wasting schemes; and fuzzy-headed liberals don't like him on general principles. We'd think what Ed could really use when he's running for re-election next year is a constituency. Preferably in a short attention span zip code area.

And to those other two GOP Pima County supervisors, Mike Boyd and Paul Marsh, we're sending handsome gift certificates for proctologic exams. These lamebrains need 'em, since they couldn't stop themselves before pissing away nearly $4 million in taxpayer loot pursuing Moore's goofy "money-saving" plan to reorganize county government. Sorry, this gift does not include the Vaseline.

John Kromko has been giving some thought to a rematch against Supe Ed Moore, who clobbered him in the 1992 District 3 race. Only problem is, John's house burned down a while back. We're asking Santa to bring him a trailer he can park in the district he wants to represent.

What do you get for the guy who says he's got nothing? How about a mattress from Arizona Correctional Industries, an outfit that puts our state's prisoners to work making bedding? It's the perfect place for Gov. J. Fife Deadbeat III to hide his wife's money and--who knows?--maybe he can take it with him if he ever ends up in the clink.

As Secretary of State, Jane Hull takes the governor's office if Fife should get the boot. We'd like to give her a consultation from Fife's multi-million dollar decorator on the colors she'll look best against on the ninth floor.

Back when she was State Superintendent of Public Instruction, C. Diane Bishop made headlines when she ran nude and screaming down a Phoenix street, with her often-estranged husband Dick Morse in hot pursuit. When she decided not to seek re-election, she promptly switched from a Democrat to a Republican and signed onto the governor's education plan (including private school tuition vouchers, which she'd previously staunchly opposed), ensuring herself a spot on the governor's staff. Santa's going to bring C. Diane--who's been a very good girl this last year--a super-dooper big jumbo size bottle of tranquilizers so she can sit silently collecting her big salary for absolutely nothing except gazing admiringly at Fife.

Senate Minority Leader Peter Goudinoff has finally had enough of that nuthouse Legislature of ours--he's not running for re-election in 1996. We'd like to give him one last year of nubile pages.

Microsoft Überlord Bill Gates is the world's richest man--what could Santa bring for him? Well, how about some tax-free land in Pima County for a branch office? And on top of that, how about a $4 million rent break from the city, county and state? And maybe a staff of temps for whom he doesn't have to provide benefits? Oh, wait, he doesn't need that from Santa--our politicians already gave it to him.

And Tucson's Economic Development dudes keep patting themselves on the back, so we're giving them a faux golden telephone headset and the power to instantly grant giant, hugely profitable corporations immunity from local taxes and other bothersome details of civic life. Plus, a spiffy new motto: "Tucson: A Bunch Of Turkeys Just Aching To Get Plucked." Or something like that.

Our local TV news readers, God bless 'em. Santa says he's putting them down for a whole peck of sincerity pills and a better happy-talk coach. Or is that happy-talk pills and a better sincerity coach? Sorry--Our TelePrompTer's down, so we don't know what the hell we're supposed to say.

What do you get those rich, arrogant folks on your list? Well, for the members Of The Former Southern Arizona Water Resources Association, we think an autographed copy of "Mein Kampf," the plans detailing Tucson's water system and enough plastic explosive to blow up democracy itself all would be appropriate. Plus thousands of bumper stickers reading: "I (heart) Cabals," and 24-karat gold "executive session" passes for the egotistical bastards currently plotting to "protect" local water policy from even the slightest taint of voter control.

To the "Tucson Citizen": A clue. Unfortunately, it's gonna arrive a couple days late.

To "The Arizona Daily Star": Free Prozac for everyone; more and better computer games; and, for lowly reporters, a chance to visit with a jolly fat man for a change--even if it is only by cell phone.

The Tucson Police Department has worked so hard this year--at least that's what they tell us. What they need, of course, is a device that fits on that fancy police helicopter that will allow officers to air drop those mail-in citizen report forms over the scenes of fenderbenders, home burglaries, drive-by shootings and other annoying interruptions of the sacred donut hour.

And for the legendary land speculator who has everything? Considering how much public money Don Diamond's gotten, and how much he's done to screw the public while benefiting himself, we hereby bestow upon him a simple conscience.

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December 21 - December 27, 1995

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