It is the toothless hillbilly matriarch of all clichés to complain about traffic. Everybody complains, almost nobody ever does anything about it, and I’ve mostly been able to float through life being able to avoid and/or ignore it.
I’ve driven in lots of different cities (and regions) and most have unique (but discernible) rhythms. In Los Angeles, everybody drives really fast and if you’re not doing at least 80 on the interstate, you’re somebody’s sorry-ass grandmother. I’ve driven in Manhattan and almost enjoyed it. In New York City, if you get six inches ahead of somebody in the other lane, it’s okay to cut over.
What’s really hilarious about New York City is that if you look like any of the male characters from Saturday Night Fever, you’re allowed to double—or even triple-park for an extended amount of time without fear of being hassled. But, if you’re just a generic white dude and you stop to let somebody off or pick somebody up, you will instantly be accosted by a female traffic cop who looks like she used to play linebacker for the Jets. That happened to me one time in New York, so I instantly endeared myself to the officer by asking, “Didn’t you used to work at the malt shop on What’s Happening?”
Alas, our beloved Tucson’s idea of rhythm is Elaine Benes dancing to Earth, Wind and Fire on Seinfeld. Tucson traffic is an un-glorious, unholy mess. Everybody drives like they did back where they just came from, making those of us who have been here a long time wish that they would go back.
Part of the reason traffic has rarely bothered me here is that I do most of my driving during non-peak hours—mid-morning, mid-afternoon, evening. Apparently, as I just found out, all of the freaks come out during rush hour. Last week, during morning rush hour, I had to drive down to a spot near the airport on three consecutive days. The road is full of people who obviously employ the circular logic of “I suppose I wouldn’t have to drive so dangerously if I would just get up 10 minutes earlier, but why get up 10 minutes earlier if I’m willing to drive like this?”
It’s absolutely stunning how aggressively bad drivers wear their willingness to endanger the lives of others for that one extra forward spot in the queue like it’s an A-hole Badge of Honor. If you could cut through the layers of mold to get to their pea-sized brains, I’ll bet that they actually believe that it’s more important for them to get to their crappy-ass job that it is for everybody else to arrive at their respective destinations. It’s sad and frightening.
Two days in a row, I saw the same giant rectum break multiple laws in getting on the freeway. He ran a red light while making a right turn and cut in front of people, causing them to hit their brakes. Then, he was in the lane to go straight (passing all the people backed up in the lane to turn left onto the onramp) and at the last moment, he would veer sharply to the left and cut in front of somebody. I will admit that I probably got madder at the people who let him in.
A lot of people fantasize about having a bazooka attached to their hoods so they could blow up the cars of people like that. I’m non-violent, so I just wish that all of the drivers in line shared my mindset and proceeded along, literally bumper-to-bumper, so that the rectum would have to wait until mid-morning before he could get in that lane.
On the way back home, I had to do something at the UA, so I got off on Speedway. Some guy was barreling down the frontage road, talking on the phone. He blew right through the “Yield” sign and almost crashed into the back of me as I got into the lane to turn right onto Speedway. He pulled up next to me, rolled down his window and screamed, “What the hell’s wrong with you?! You coulda hit me.”
I said, “First of all, I was ahead of you. I had the right of way and you’re supposed to yield.”
“I did yield.”
I asked, “What do you think yield means?”
In his angry explanation, he used his hands a lot, causing him to drop his phone and prompting me to say, “No, that’s merge.”
“They’re the same thing!,” he bellowed.
I was going to ask him what charter school he had graduated from (obviously cum laude), but the light turned green and I drove off. Real conservatives (not Trumpistas) have, as one of their basics tenets, a desire for smaller government. Along those lines, I think we could streamline the DMV by reducing the written driver’s exam to one question, that being “Define ‘yield.'” That would increase DMV revenue as people would have to take the test over and over and over until they got it right. In the end, they’d be a little bit smarter and they’d also be better drivers. That’s a win-win-win.
I have the utmost respect and sympathy for the law-abiding folks who have to drive at that time every day. I don’t know how you do it.
This article appears in Feb 16-22, 2017.
Being from DC, my wife and I are constantly amused by what’s considered rush hour here. But we’re very pleased.
“Crappy ass jobs and political atereotypes? Any wonder why your thinking can not win elections? Toss in “a charter school graduate?”
Where does all of this hatred come from? Get control of your own life before you try to run others.
As I am writing this, the cops are cleaning up another deadly (I assume) crash at Park and Valencia, 5:40 AM. One car had the entire back end chopped off up to the front seats. Yes people, leave 10 minutes earlier and you won’t have to go 60 mph down Valencia.
I remember you used the “yield and merge” story a couple of years ago…….
You should know where all this hatred comes from Rat.
It’s part of your (w)hole existence.
I’m from New Jersey – and we can match the crazy, cell phone-centric Tucson drivers every day. I yell, but not out the window because you never know, here or NJ, who’s packing.
Tom wrote:
“you’re somebody’s sorry-ass grandmother”
“accosted by a female traffic cop who looks like she used to play linebacker for the Jets”
“Didn’t you used to work at the malt shop on What’s Happening?”
“it’s an A-hole Badge of Honor”
to get to their crappy-ass job”
“I saw the same giant rectum break multiple laws”
“so that the rectum would have to wait”
I am just wondering do you have children? The reason I ask is that as a father I would be embarrassed if my children saw me write a column like this one.
Tom wrote: you will instantly be accosted by a female traffic cop who looks like she used to play linebacker for the Jets. That happened to me one time in New York, so I instantly endeared myself to the officer by asking, “Didn’t you used to work at the malt shop on What’s Happening?”
1. Does anyone really believe Tom said that to a law enforcement officer?
2. Toms use of the reference to the TV show Whats Happening is a passive-aggressive form of letting us know the race of the LEO, He already has a documented history of racist rhetoric.
3. Toms description of the female LEO is nasty and cruel.
4. Why is the Tucson Weekly allowing a columnist to stereotype women and minorities in such profane ways? If they allow Tom to stay after this column, they no longer have any standing in criticizing others for misogyny and racism. All one has to say in response is “yes, but you have Tom Danehy as a columnist.”
I am embarrassed for him as a member of the community. The standards of journalism have eroded to cursing and name calling. If that was what I wanted I could watch Jerry Springer. Come on TW, clean up your act.
Jerry Barker wrote: “I remember you used the “yield and merge” story a couple of years ago…….
What are you trying to say? Are you implying that Tom might actually fabricate a personal anecdote? Say it isn’t so.
Actually, Tommy has 2 children. His daughter has a degree from Cornel University. No small feat. I’m not sure of the facts about his son, but I recall that he also goes or went to a highly respected university. It’s painfully obvious which parent they take after.
I love his comment about going to his crappy-ass job. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. People in glass houses and all that.
Tom wrote:
On the way back home, I had to do something at the UA, so I got off on Speedway. Some guy was barreling down the frontage road, talking on the phone. He blew right through the “Yield” sign and almost crashed into the back of me as I got into the lane to turn right onto Speedway. He pulled up next to me, rolled down his window and screamed, “What the hell’s wrong with you?! You coulda hit me.”I said, “First of all, I was ahead of you. I had the right of way and you’re supposed to yield.” “I did yield.” I asked, “What do you think yield means?” In his angry explanation, he used his hands a lot, causing him to drop his phone and prompting me to say, “No, that’s merge.” “They’re the same thing!,” he bellowed. I was going to ask him what charter school he had graduated from (obviously cum laude), but the light turned green and I drove off.
It is interesting how Toms anecdotes always follow the same pattern. The “Hero Tom has an encounter with a dullard/moron/right-wing-conservative. The dullard/moron/right conservative makes a stereotypical dullard/moron/right-wing-conservative statement. The “Hero Tom” always has the perfect retort to shame the dullard/moron/right-wing-conservative. At which point the “Hero Tom” drives off/leaves or dullard/moron/right conservative flees in shame/embarrassment allowing the “Hero Tom” to bask in his glory.
It is also interesting how many encounters Tom has in his cars with other motorists. How many other people have had as many Tom-type” interactions with other motorists while driving their cars?
Weird how Tom always seems to be in the right place at the right time.
Do you ever notice the guys that do that, the Blairs, the Glasses, the Kellys, they always just start with something small. A little quote that they clean up. Then its a whole anecdote. Then pretty soon they are saying some amazing s##t. They are the lucky ones who just happen to be standing on the right street corner in Tel Aviv when the pizza joint blows up and the human head rolls down the street with the eyes still blinking
Gus Haynes talking about Tom Danehy
Tommy had something to do at the U.of A. What? Use the restroom.
Wow, kill the messenger, avoid the message. Not one person admits that Arizona is dim in handing you a driver’s license test at age 16 or 17 and not again until you are 65, not just because it’s dim but because it cuts off a source of income for the state while saving lives. Drivers have obviously long forgotten that you do not have the r/w making a left turn with the other driver is making a right turn on a green light. You do not have right to make a left turn up to a minute after the light has turned red. We pay poor wages and lay off law enforcement and choke educational funds so we can be “free” of radar cameras and shrug off resulting accidents. We put red light walkways in the middle of the block on busy section line streets because people are too lazy to walk to a legal crossing then wonder why traffic is so slow. Like the author, my work is such that I can avoid the worst hours but I’ve lived in countries all over the world and Tucson is average except for the dismal disrespect for traffic laws. In one Asian country the joke was that a driver pulled up beside you if you were walking and asked if you wanted a ride and the response was “No thanks, I’m in a hurry.” I may tell that story again one day. It doesn’t make me a criminal. It’s my experience. You don’t have to read it and you don’t have to read Tom’s article. If you do so just to tear him apart, try writing your own and wait for the reviews to give you an idea how unrelenting sour grapes appear to others.
Tom, you couldn’t have spent much time in L.A. to come away with the impression that you noted, because L.A. drivers are models of decorum compared to Tucson drivers, thanks largely to much higher car insurance premiums and lots of brake-checking scamsters eager to exploit the tort laws. Climate, altitude and geography certainly contribute to the current presence of both Tucson and Phoenix at the top of the list for “most aggressive drivers in the country.” I suspect another culprit may be that SO MANY Tucsonans apparently insist on working an 8am-5pm schedule, which shouldn’t be necessary (and which science has recently found NOT to be optimal). Either drivers enjoy the experience of sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic, or employers are inflexible about working hours. Hey, there’s a great subject for a journalistic investigation! The Weekly still does those, right?