In the pre-Obama days, a summer movie season seemed like a wonderful
thing. But some signs I read at the local teabagging event made it
clear to me that the multimillionaire cokeheads who run Hollywood have
actually been planning to institute a strict Islamist/Marxist regime
under our foreign-born “president” so that they can abort all
heterosexual babies.

I guess I was quite silly for thinking that Adam Sandler’s Funny
Man in Underpants was just a “comedy.” More like a
communist-dy!

Anyway, now fully enlightened to the fact that a 3 percentage-point
increase in the top tax rate combined with a mild middle-class tax cut
is the work of left-wing fascists who want to take away my
semi-automatic traditional marriage gun, I take a much more skeptical
approach to summer films. Thus, instead of simply shilling for the
Mujahidin who run the major studios, I’ll be presenting critical
commentary where it is deserved!

MAY MOVIES!

OK, May is basically over. But it started with Wolverine and
Star Trek, which returned the stupid-fun to cinemas that had
been suffocated by an excess of elite, intellectual moviemaking.
(April’s Hannah Montana: The Movie made my head spin with its
talk of patriarchal exploitation in quantum electro-dynamics.) Coming
up, we’ve still got …

Dance Flick: Most people don’t realize that
there are three distinct lame movie-parody outfits: Keenen Ivory Wayans
and company, who did the first Scary Movie and this summer’s
Dance Flick; the David Zucker crowd, who did Airplane!,
Scary Movie 3 and 4, and the upcoming Sci-Fi
Movie; and then there’s the almost mystically talentless team of
Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, who made Epic Movie and
Meet the Spartans, generally considered not only the worst
movies made so far, but the worst movies that it would be possible to
make, given an infinite amount of time, money and cynicism. They also
did some writing for the Scary Movie series, so it’s as though a
nexus of awful spreads out from Scary Movie, threatening to
destroy our nation’s fragile and precious sense of humor.

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian: I think Ben Stiller is a talented guy, but even talented people can be
lured into rote kiddie fare if offered enough money to buy a whorehouse
made out of cocaine. So take the kids, but remember: You’re supporting
whores and cocaine.

Terminator Salvation: The first
Terminator movie took place in the pre-Internet days, when
computers seemed scary. But now we know that computers are friendly
devices that store our vast cultural repository of celebrity up-skirt
shots. So the thought of them taking over the world isn’t really that
bad. I mean, I don’t want to see Lisa Rinna naked again, but maybe you
do, and our new computer masters will help with that. However, the idea
that they might try to destroy humanity is ridiculous. They just want
us all to appear in bukake movies. And I think we can live with
that.

Drag Me to Hell: Now that the Spider-Man movies have made Sam Raimi enough money to buy a swimming pool lined
with Van Gogh paintings and mermaid bones, he can go back to what he
loves doing: making effective grade-B horror films. In this one, Alison
Lohman plays a loan officer who causes financial ruin and is assaulted
by demons. So it’s pretty much a summary of six months of The Wall
Street Journal.

Up: I’m skeptical that an animated movie about
a grouchy old man with a flying house will really be a hit, but it’s
made by Pixar, and if you fed their animators some cabbage, it’s likely
they’d fart out a blockbuster.

JUNE MOVIES!

Little-known fact: It was in June that Dwight Eisenhower last made
love to Mamie. True.

The Hangover: Isn’t it time Hollywood stopped
romanticizing alcoholism? Or wait: Maybe it’s time they started doing that again. Somebody call Dudley Moore. This one features Zach
Galifianakis, who’s genuinely funny, and is directed by Todd Phillips,
who made one great documentary (Hated) and then some passably
entertaining comedies. The plot involves a bunch of guys on a
bachelor-party weekend in Vegas, a live tiger and the surrendering of
your humanity to the man-boy comedy genre. “Women are sexy! Too bad
they’re always trying to stop us from having fun …”

Land of the Lost: I hate it when people say,
“Oh, they’re destroying my childhood memories!” whenever a kiddie TV
show gets remade as a big-budget film. If the best part of your
childhood was watching TV, then you’re probably better off having all
your memories removed anyway. But I’ll admit that I loved Land of
the Lost, and basically anything that producers Sid and Marty
Krofft touched. And Sid and Marty signed off on this, a campy take on
their kitschy show about explorers stranded in a world between worlds
where dinosaurs roam, sleestacks threaten, and Cha-ka, well, Cha-ka
love Holly. He love Holly!

Away We Go: The previews for this looked pretty
engaging, and Sam Mendes (American Beauty, Jarhead, Revolutionary
Road) is directing. Also, the screenplay is by Dave Eggers, who is
the most important figure in contemporary American literature, at least
according to Dave Eggers. John Krasinski of The Office and Maya
Rudolph of Saturday Night Live star as a young(ish) couple
trying to figure out what to do with their lives and their impending
spawn. Krasinski’s a great comic actor, but I don’t trust anyone from
SNL, as almost all of them just do sketch-comedy-style acting,
no matter what they’re in. Drop them in anything lasting longer than
four minutes and 52 seconds, and it’s like watching a dog barking a
song. For two hours.

Imagine That: A kid comedy featuring Eddie
Murphy as a financial executive who retreats into a fantasy world. That
sounds like everything that happened after the repeal of the
Glass-Steagall Act. The big question, though, is who is giving Eddie
Murphy money to make movies? If anyone in Hollywood had any brains,
they’d tell Murphy that they were making a sequel to The Adventures
of Pluto Nash and then put him in a rocket and send him to Mars. I
mean, we’ve been wanting to send a manned mission to Mars, and hoping
for an end to Eddie Murphy movies, so this seems like a no-brainer.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3: I really liked the
original ToP123, but the problem with modern remakes is that
everything gets badass-ified. Like, we can’t just escape to Witch
Mountain? No, we’ve got to race there! The original film was a minor
masterpiece about a schlubby cop (Walter Matthau) chasing some
efficiently un-hip and un-sassy criminals (Robert Shaw, Martin Balsam
and Hector Elizondo). The new one is about John Travolta’s
douche-stache. And the cop is played by Denzel Washington, because
police officers never look like Walter Matthau; they’re all fabulously
handsome guys who work out six to 14 hours a day.

The Proposal: A rom-com starring Ryan Reynolds
and Sandra Bullock, who, if they mated, would produce a child that
would have the exact average of all the facial features of all white
people ever.

Moon: This looks like real science
fiction, an idea-oriented exploration of the effects of time and
technology on humanity, and it stars Sam Rockwell, a truly versatile
actor who deserves more than he gets. As such, it’ll probably only get
limited release and then vanish into obscurity. But that’s what happens
to love, and we all value that.

Year One: I think Jack Black wore out his welcome
shortly after his head cleared his mother’s vulva, but this caveman
comedy (cave-omedy) also stars Michael Cera, who is at least three
films away from wearing out his welcome, and is directed by Harold
Ramis, who could just cruise forever on his directing work in
Groundhog Day. So, I don’t know, I guess because Olivia Wilde
plays some kind of skimpily dressed cave princess, this will be a great
work of art. Ooga. Ooga ooga ooga.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: The
previews for this giant-robot movie looked awesome, although at a few
moments, it seems to stretch credibility. Like, why would Megan Fox
date Shia LaBeouf? And wouldn’t the square-cube law make the robots
incapable of standing up? But most importantly, don’t we risk the wrath
of an angry and jealous God by making giant warrior robots that
transform into 18-wheelers? I mean, is there anything more perfect than
that? And won’t that piss off God, because He can’t even make a decent
chainsaw-wielding super-Ninja? But He made Megan Fox, so God bless
him.

My Sister’s Keeper: The story sounds
interesting: A girl who was conceived to be a bone-marrow donor for her
sick sister gets tired of being used for parts, and sues for
emancipation. The downside is that it stars Cameron Diaz and is
directed by Nick Cassavetes. Cassavetes’ father was one of the greatest
directors in the history of cinema. Cassavetes made The
Notebook. This decisively proves that filmmaking is not
heritable.

JULY MOVIES!

I think it would be funny if they made a sequel to Juno and
called it July-o. But then I think dirt is funny.

12th Man: This formula sci-fi (man wakes up on
dying space ship and must fight his way through 11 deadly opponents to
reach safety) was delayed from last year, which is always a good sign.
I’m hoping it will be delayed again until next year so I can reuse this
paragraph, saving myself nearly 35 cents worth of writing effort.

Brüno: I’m in the small minority who
thinks Sacha Baron Cohen’s racist potty humor isn’t funny. This time,
instead of trotting out Euro-fascist stereotypes of Turkish immigrants,
he makes fun of homosexuals. Oh, right, it’s ironic; he’s not
really a bigot! I mean, imagine how funny it would be if he put on
blackface and stole chickens. Oooh! Hilarious!

I Love You Beth Cooper: Nerdy boy (Paul Rust,
who’s ugly enough to be the next Patrick Dempsey) proclaims his love
for hot girl (Hayden Panettiere, who in real life only dates guys old
enough to commit statutory rape), and then they spend a zany night of
fun together. It’s like the ’80s are back, only without U.S.-backed
Latin American torture squads and the constant threat of nuclear
annihilation. Good times, good times.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: There’s only one really good Harry Potter
movie, Prisoner of Azkaban, and the rest are as dull and bloated
as Rush Limbaugh on a handful of OxyContin. I also have no idea why
they replaced a warm, inviting actor like Richard Harris with a
stunted, evil-looking man like Michael Gambon. I mean, Michael Gambon’s
a good actor, but it’s as though Audrey Hepburn died in the middle of
Breakfast at Tiffany’s, and they replaced her with Shemp Howard.
Anyway, this one could be good, because now, all the Hogwarts kids are
old enough to have appeared nude in Broadway shows or tabloid photos,
so it’s like we know that they’re real, because they have genitals.

The Ugly Truth: This stars Katherine Heigl and,
based on the title, is, I assume, about her teeth.

G-Force: “A specially trained squad of guinea
pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over
the world,” says the Internet Movie Database. Wasn’t this the plot of
the first Gulf War?

Funny People: I guess the title is ironic,
since the film stars Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen. Or maybe they
couldn’t get the rights to use the title Washed Up Guy and
Overexposed Stoner. This is one of those dramatic, feel-good,
discover-your-soul comedies. You know, a dram-fe-go-disc-yo-so-medy.
Sandler plays a famous comedian who’s dying … of cancer! Ha! I guess
I’ve found cancer funny ever since my last chest X-ray.

Aliens in the Attic: This teen film about white kids
fighting aliens features Ashley Tisdale in a starring role … at last!
Plus it features Doris Roberts and Kevin Nealon, who are two totally
hot and in-demand stars that young people can really relate to.

AUGUST MOVIES!

August was named after Augustus Caesar, who probably never knew that
in the future, his month would be when the last of the summer
blockbusters came out. Probably.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra: This is the
wet-dream version of G.I. Joe that every 13-year-old
Snake-Eyes/Storm Shadow writer imagined in 1987. That’s because
computer graphics are now so advanced that we can make ridiculous
cartoons look real with live actors. Wouldn’t it be cool to do a
mystical wuxia wire-fu thing where (I Dream of) Jeannie fights
Samantha from Bewitched while the Ghost and Mrs. Muir get it on
in magic cloud heaven? No? Just me?

Julie and Julia: Amy Adams and Meryl Streep are
together again, but this time, they’re not nuns, so maybe we can get
that Amy Adams/Meryl Streep sex scene we’ve all been clamoring for. Or
would that be more likely if they were nuns?

Shorts: Jon Cryer (the ugly guy from Two and
a Half Men) plays the dad of Kat Denning (Nick and Norah’s
Infinite Playlist). That’s like imagining a world where large-mouth
bass occasionally give birth to unicorns. Robert Rodriguez directs this
effects-laden kiddie movie, which is about a pre-pubescent boy who
finds a magic rock. If that’s a metaphor, it’s very disturbing.

Bandslam: It’s another movie about a nerd boy
hooking up with the hot girl, only this time, they’re in a band.
Vanessa Hudgens stars as the ugly girl who the boy should be hooking up
with. I really want to move to the universe where Vanessa Hudgens is
the ugly girl.

District 9: More idea-oriented sci-fi! This
time, space aliens land in Africa, where they’re stuck in a ghetto and
treated as second-class citizens. It’s a heavy-handed metaphor and a
rip-off of another movie (Alien Nation), but, then, that and sex
with green-skinned aliens are what science fiction is all about.

Inglourious Basterds: Director Quentin
Tarantino is so bad-ass he doesn’t use a spell-checker. Brad Pitt stars
as the leader of a squadron of Jewish-American soldiers in World War
II. With Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Kruger, Eli Roth and Mike Myers.
Wait, seriously, Mike Myers? Was Chevy Chase not available?

Goose on the Loose: Omigod a movie with Chevy
Chase! I assumed that Chevy Chase wasn’t a real person anymore; he was
just a punchline. This comedy about a talking goose has been sitting in
the can for three years now, and I guess it has developed enough of a
stink that they had to let it out.

The Boat That Rocked: It’s a British mod
comedy, but, luckily, Mike Myers was too busy making Inglourious
Basterds to get anywhere near it. It’s got Kenneth Branagh and
Philip Seymour Hoffman, who are reasonably discerning, and is written
by one of the Blackadder writers, so this film about an illegal
radio station in 1960s Britain might actually not suck.

H2: Michael Myers (the disgusting monster, not
the guy from The Love Guru; wait, that doesn’t clarify anything)
returns in Rob Zombie’s sequel to his remake of Halloween.
Starring Malcolm McDowell and Brad Dourif, who are both old enough and
cool enough to remember the 1960s Z-movies that gave Zombie his twisted
inspiration.

And that’s about it for the summer. I mean, it’s going to be hot,
and there’ll be mosquitoes, and you’ll curse the days, and then after
80 or 90 summers, you’ll be dead, and then you’ll lie in your grave
wishing for just one more summer. So, whatever, waste your life going
to the movies. That’s just what the God-hating liberals want you to
do.

OTHER MOVIES OPENING THIS SUMMER

Beverly Hills Chicano

Iron Man vs. Grizzly Man vs. Man of La Mancha

The Hilarious Case of Benjamin House Bunny

Indiana Jones and the Cynical Cash-In

The Day the Earth Warmed Up Two Degrees

Hancock II: Franklin, Jefferson and Washington

The Secret Life of Knees

Charlie and the Chrysler Factory

Twilight II: A Little After 10 p.m.

A Spiderman for All Seasons

Quantum of Stupid

The Diving Bell and the Butter Knife

Horton Hears a Memo From Jay Bybee Encouraging Him to Boil the
Whos

Sex and the City II: AARP Sluts

The Passion of Paul Blart

The Batman Who Would Be King

Hannah Montana and the Encroaching Sex Scandal

Remembering That You Forgot Sarah Marshall and Feeling OK About
It

I Am Legend II: I Am Just a Pretty Good Story

Saw VI: Sawperman and the Quest for Peace

Tyler Perry and the Big Fat Lady of Christian Cash

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Chlamydia

Zak and Miri Make a Promo

No Country for Snowmen

Star Trek II: President Ospockma

The X-Files: I Want to Believe I Can Resurrect This
Franchise

Kit Kittredge: An American Squirrel

Slumdog Millionaire II: Beverly Hills Redneck

Doubt II: Reasonable Doubt

Batman Returns Some Books to the Library

Alvin and the Chippendales Dancers

Harry Potter and the Uncomfortably Horny Feeling

The Passion of the Christ II: Nailin’ It!

My Big Fat AIG Bonus Check

X-Men vs. Buddha

National Treasure: Box of Sucrets

The Da Vinci Load

The Day After the Perfect Storm of Dalmatians

Blartman: The Mall Knight Returns

I, Rove-Bot

Sacha Baron Cohen’s Poop Jokes That Effete Liberals Will
Like

The Sensual Case of Benjamin Hard-On

Smokey and the Band-Aid

The Addams Family Affair of the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter

The 40-Year-Old Sturgeon

Paul Blart in Australia: Crocodile Pudgie

Outbreak II: The Shawshank Infection

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre Mia!

1,001 Reservoir Dalmatians

Full Metal Jaguar

Three Men and a Million Dollar Baby

Amores Perros II: Odia a Los Gatos

Double Jeopardy II: Wheel of Fortune

Rashomon II: Rashowoman

The Elephant Man Who Shot Liberty Valance

—J.D.

Related Stories

This article appears in May 21-27, 2009.