If you ever find yourself talking to someone who practices domestic discipline, first, don’t ever, ever ask them if they’ve read the best-selling soft-porn novel Fifty Shades of Grey.
When I asked that question at the start of an interview, the reply was “I’ve never even read the book. I thought you wanted to talk about domestic discipline, that’s why I agreed to talk to you.”
Quickly, I explain that I, too, haven’t read the best-seller, but I just wondered if people who practice domestic discipline are inspired by the BDSM laid out by author E.L. James.
BDSM is not domestic discipline, my interviewee says emphatically.
I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch for people to hear about spanking and think BDSM, the acronym for bondage, discipline (or dominance), sadism and masochism. And right now, popular culture is getting hip to BDSM through James’ novel about 22-year-old Anastasia Steele, who gets involved in a submissive/dominant relationship with Christian Grey.
A riding crop is featured prominently in Fifty Shades, which everyone seems to be reading. The book and its two sequels have also triggered conversations about feminism, sexuality and what can get published these days.
Of course, that’s not why I’m talking on the phone to a woman who lives in Phoenix and isn’t eager for her name to be printed in the paper.
Certainly the practice of BDSM isn’t new. Doms and subs, those who like to spank and be spanked, have long been part of the Savage Love column published in alternative weeklies across the land.
But I’m reminded by, let’s call her Jane, that this isn’t domestic discipline as she knows it.
Jane says she and her husband have been practicing domestic discipline the past two years and found out about it through a website. Yes, they are Christians, and no, domestic discipline isn’t just practiced by Christians, she says. But it’s provided them with a method to reinforce a traditional household, something that is “too challenging in this day and age,” she says.
Wary that I’ll put my foot back in my mouth, I tell her about the research I’ve done. “Look, to be honest, domestic discipline seems to be hung up on a lot of rules, and I just don’t know if I really get that.”
Jane laughs. Well, yeah, she says, that’s the point. For Jane and her husband it’s about reinforcing his place as the head of household and making sure their home runs smoothly and happily. So when rules are broken, there is a punishment, and most often that punishment is a spanking. However, the person who gets spanked is Jane, not her husband.
If you Google domestic discipline, you’ll find what seems to be hundreds of blogs dedicated to the topic. Most often, they are first-person accounts, usually from the women in the relationships, about why they got into domestic discipline. And, yes, domestic discipline is decidedly heterosexual. I never came across a blog that wasn’t from a wife-and-husband perspective. If there are any same-sex couples out there practicing domestic discipline, you’re an anomaly and you should give me a call for a follow-up story.
One blog quoted Bible passages to build the case for domestic discipline, such as this one from Ephesians:
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
When I read that to Jane from Phoenix, she says “Well, I can’t really say that we read those passages and decided this would be a good idea. We were looking for something to help our relationship and this has worked.”
But then I decided to insert foot in mouth again. Some people think domestic discipline borders on domestic violence, I say.
“No, see, you don’t really get it,” she says.
What about sex? I ask. “Does your husband get turned on spanking you and do you get turned on getting spanked?”
Silence. Then she eventually says, “It enhances sex, but I don’t think it’s about sex. It brings us closer together and that’s what helps.”
Punishments are very, very difficult, she admits, but once they are over, the household starts running again and everyone has their roles. “That’s what it’s about for me,” she says.
Tucsonans who practice domestic discipline can be hard to find. A fetish group I contacted didn’t know of anyone doing it, but the writer of a domestic discipline blog I contacted hooked up with me on Google Plus. No one from Tucson showed up, but I did get on a listserv, and that’s how I found Jane.
And one blogger I contacted while trying to find practitioners in Tucson gave me some advice: make sure people who say they practice domestic discipline are the real thing and not just people into BDSM.
Probably the best blog I discovered is A Domestic Discipline Society (ADDS), at adomesticdisciplinesociety.blogspot.com.
Instead of dom and sub, there’s HoH (head of household) and TiH (taken in hand) to describe the dominate and submissive roles in the domestic discipline relationship.
There also are explanations that I have to say I found interesting and revolting at the same time. For some reason, a submissive/dominant relationship outlined in a book like Fifty Shades of Grey seems normal, while domestic discipline made to reinforce the male as the head of household sounds like a Green Acres episode gone wrong.
But that’s also one of the things I liked about the ADDS blog: It acts as a clearinghouse for traditional domestic discipline blogs as well as more BDSM-flavored blogs. It explains everything from getting started —you should have rules that spell out when punishment is required; there’s a confession involved (which, who knows, some ex-Catholics might really like); and there’s aftercare, which involves checking in with the person you’ve just spanked.
Here are two more websites that may help with domestic discipline issues. You can find a selection of paddles, whips and arnica cream at shop.domesticdisciplinestore.com. And if DD is your thang, check out www.spanko.net. It lists an Arizona branch that hosts domestic discipline spanking parties.
Although I’m pretty certain they aren’t the Christian variety.
This article appears in Feb 14-20, 2013.
Thank you for all the research you did preparing for this article Mari. I’m MrBB the writer of the above mentioned A Domestic Discipline Society (ADDS) site. Ms. Haerreras contacted me a few months ago through email and has been trying diligently to understand the widely varied DD lifestyle dynamic and how it fits into the entire lifestyle community. Since DD is a very individual journey and open to interpretation, it is not an easy endeavor for even the most experienced of us to explain definitively. Ms. Herreras efforts are very appreciated and applauded.
I don’t understand why you didn’t talk to the guy from the “adds” domestic discipline website. I looked at it and he looks like he has a lot of experience and the lady you talked to doesn’t
I also agree with Thomas, the last two links don’t look like they have anything to do with the subject in this article
I think that as long as what people do is consensual in their private life like what dd looks like from the website, no one should judge if a woman chooses to want their husband to lead their home. And how they do it is up to them.
Thank you for emphasizing the consensual nature of spanking play. It is the sort of thing that many people do not understand and fail to make the effort you did to learn more. My husband and I do not practice either the sort of dominance and submission in Shades of Grey (and from the little I read, it’s not clear that the author knows much at all about actual dominance and submission play), nor do we practice domestic discipline. We spank for erotic pleasure in our 20-plus year, totally egalitarian, totally feminist marriage.
One final note, all you men out there need to remember that although feminists can and do engage in both giving and receiving spanking, giving anyone a smack on the butt without their permission is assault, no mater how long you’ve been partners.
so this is where the ‘new weekly has gone to “Soft porn”. the big spank?
hope kids going by on the street don’t notice..
hope our sons don’t think this is the way we “treat” out women.
Domestic discipline is not a lifestyle I live, although would like to live but my husband is struggling to get on board. Nevertheless, I had a very bad experience on the ADDs blog and know others who have had the same. Its a shame that Mari and the Tucson Weekly did not look further into the blog listed, or the author. What you find may shock you.
I will continue to read domestic discipline blogs and continue to dream of having this lifestyle one day but will never return to the ADDs blog after my experience there and hearing others horror stories as well.
However I will check out Spanko and The Domestic Discipline store in my continued quest for domestic discipline.
Domestic Discipline IS the lifestyle I live. Its not for everyone, but it helped my marriage and opened up communication and closeness. I think the author did a really good job with a very hard subject to cover!
Interesting article! I agree the author did a great job covering a difficult and often hidden topic. I have been practicing domestic discipline for 13 years and while I thoroughly disagree with the A D D S blog I thought the author of this article did a great job presenting the lifestyle as I know it.
Delighted to see that DD (domestic discipline) has made it into the mainstream channels! I’d like to clarify that same-sex DD relationships are not an anomaly, although a casual outsider looking at blogs may easily get that impression. I write about F/F domestic discipline relationships and would love to share information on the subject.
My blog is at: http://governingana.wordpress.com/
Anastasia Vitsky
I am impressed that you were able to take a topic that is taboo to a lot of people and was able to write it without prejudice. I am also glad that you did not portray those being spanked as being weak, insecure, brainwashed, a victim, or any of the other things that are frequently thought of those in DD relationships.
With that said, I think that you could go deeper into the subject of DD. First you seem to have done a lot of your research with CDD (Christian Domestic Discipline). That is a valid group, and there is quite a bit the same as DD there is quite a bit different from DD.
Also there are a lot of benefits a couple gets from a DD. Before, during and after a punishment the one getting spanked feels cared for and loved and free from the stressers that are part of everyday life.
Plus there is another faucet of DD that was not even mentioned. There are a lot of people who have discipline relationships and are not in a romantic relationships with the person disciplining them (frequently referred to as disciplinarians). These relationships are only about accountability and discipline (no sex or erotic play at all). I personally am in one of those relationships for a few years and am happy and content with the arrangements and relationship I have with my disciplinarian.
Here are a couple links that I think would help explain DD.
http://learningdd.com/blog/
http://learningdd.com/
Its great to see dd getting attention finally instead of Bdsm or other flavors of “kink” as that is not what I nor majority of dd’ers believe it is. However I have to agree with others- I much prefer learning domestic discipline, christian domestic discipline or taken in hand. The content on those are by real people who practice domestic discipline in there relationships not someone who just spanks women for fun.
I am not from the U.S.A. so I am not familiar with this news outlet but I would love to see dd be brought to the media here in the U.K.
Good article, another interesting forum is the disciplinary wives club (disciplinarywivesclub.com) which is about domestic discipline but with the woman the head of the household…
F/F, F/M, or M/M domestic discipline may not be the norm but it does happen. My partner and I are in what is referred to mostly as a female lead relationship. It is not the norm but it works very well for us.
I saw someone liked the Disciplinary Wives Club and I think the author/creator of that site did a wonderful job. I also strongly recommend Learning Domestic Discipline. It is not solely F/M by any means but is a terrific resource for domestic discipline and by the far the best on the web. The reporter for this article is more then welcome to interview me for a followup should she want a different approach to the standard domestic discipline. I can be reached at rosebrant40@live.com
Tucson’s kink community goes far beyond spanking. I wrote about DD vs BDSM a few years ago. My conclusion was that the kinky dom/sub relationship is not too different from the HoH relationship– except that the kinksters admit that they like giving spankings and getting spanked. On the other hand, the domestic discipline proponents cloak the whole spanking discipline ritual in the guise of maintaining traditional male/female household roles– including making sure the wife knows her place and follows His rules. It surprised me how many traditional Christians practiced DD.
I’ve always known that erotic spanking existed, but I didn’t find out about domestic discipline until I started writing and researching spanking prior to writing about it.
The artwork accompanying this blog is particularly interesting to me — it’s the same artwork used on the cover my domestic discipline erotic romance FALSE PRETENSES.
First good to see main stream . I to stay away from the ADDs website.
@ Thomas who died and made you boss? I know a lot of DDers who have straps and flogers. What works for one don’t work for others. Also stores don’t sale arnica cream they sale arnica jell which is not the something.
MrBB is a convicted felon. He has been convicted of kidnapping for Christ sake. Did Mari research this guy at ALL? He’s an absolute piece of shit that gets his kicks by spanking women half his age. He’s a fucking pervert felon. Do a little background checking next time, Mari. Good God.
I am a lesbian who practices the Domestic Discipline lifestyle and from my experiences i can safely say that we are not an “anomoly” as such (considering every partner i’ve had has been into that lifestyle and none were found on any BDSM websites before anyone assumes) but are definitely a minority. I find that most lesbian couples who partake in this lifestyle are more shy about sharing this with others, especially if you consider the whole “which ones the guy” question that pops up constantly. Whether or not im just a fluke remains to be seen but in my opinion i think it’s not that gay/les DD couples don’t exist but rather none of us want to be the first to admit it.
Lets bring in REALITY …
FACTS:
I worked in the airline industry for may years and traveled around the country going to different airports all over the nation (and three times abroad). Each time I would arrive at a new city, I had to have an extensive background check already done going back 10 to 20 years each time. If someone has ever been accused (not even convicted) of even a misdemeanor, they do not pass and they are not allowed access onto the airfield. I had nothing in my past on any occasion and passed ever single time.
I then went on to work in the Healthcare Industry. Just to get into the program at school I had to go through several background checks. The first of which was with the legal area here in the state, the Department of Public Safety. It is so extensive it takes several months to complete and they go through every part of your life with a fine tooth comb… and of course I passed. Then after school I had to go through many background checks. I passed every single one every single time.
I have never even been accused of anything felonious in any way shape or form in my entire life. How idiotic does the poster from above think everyone reading here is…. a “convicted felon” would be in prison for something like 20 or 25 years right? lol
Since starting A Domestic Discipline Society in 2005, I have always maintained that DD info should be open minded, non-judgmental and always FREE of charge. Because of that, I have rubbed a few people the wrong way who are now trying to cash in on the growing awareness and popularity of the DD lifestyle.
This isn’t the first time I have been falsely attacked, although the heinous accusations make me feel sorry for the poster and the anger they are capable of over online DD stuff. I hope they find something more meaningful in their life and I hope everyone will keep them in their prayers or positive thoughts.
Respectfully,
MrBB