His mission is on a need-to-know basis, also he has presidential authority.

UA Area, March 9, 1:06 p.m.

A zealous, hyper-seeming man was found wandering the University of Arizona stadium on a “mission” nobody could figure out, according to a UA Police Department report.

Someone called the UAPD about a male near the Arizona Stadium’s athletic training room “banging on the glass” of a door, “talking about weapons” and refusing to leave.

Officers found the man in the same place, dressed in khakis and a button-up shirt, declaring that he was “on a mission” and “had presidential authority to be there.”

Seemingly familiar with military deportment, he alternated between “standing at attention” and “parade rest” during interview.

He denied recent drug use but said he “was upset with St. Mary’s Hospital because a nurse there gave him methamphetamine this morning.”

Officers were ready to release the subject after informing him “there were no military/government buildings on the UA campus where presidential meetings were held and he should only use the campus for its intended purpose (class, sporting events, etc.).”

Unfortunately for him, they had to take him to jail upon learning he had a warrant out for his arrest for assault and disorderly conduct.

3 replies on “Police Dispatch”

  1. Why did you choose to use the image of a US Army Ranger, a highly motivated, volunteer, elite member of our military to illustrate this article when the text described the disturbed civilian individual as a being dressed in khakis and a buttoned up shirt? Was this just poor editorial judgement or a not to subtle intent to equate Army troops with derangement? Fake news? You could do better than this.

  2. About 40 years ago, while on mushrooms, I managed to find my way into the stadium. My mission was simple – look at the view from the top of the nosebleed section.

    It was dumb then, and it’s still dumb now. I was lucky that I didn’t fall and die or get seriously injured, and that I didn’t get caught. This guy was just lucky that he didn’t fall and die or get seriously injured. Let’s face it – of the two possible negative outcomes, getting caught is by far the most benign.

  3. I have no idea why this, ahem, alleged progressive weekly rag, continues to publish this section whose only purpose seems to be making fun of the mentally ill or those with drug or alcohol problems. When did the KTS (keep tucson sh**ty) crowd abandon the non judgemental, tolerant, moral superiority that is professed? Very Trumpish..

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