ALMOST A COMPLETE BREAKFAST

NORTH WHALEBACK PLACE

AUG. 30, 7:09 A.M.

A northeast-side homeowner awoke one morning to find his home
covered in random food items, according to a Pima County Sheriff’s
Department report.

The reportee said he was jarred awake that morning by his daughter
screaming that their house had been destroyed. He went outside to find
that the walls, windows and doors of his house, and the driveway, were
covered in broken raw eggs. He also said that fish had been placed on
the ground in front of his garage doors, and that Hawaiian Punch had
been splashed all over his garage doors.

Outside the house, the deputy found two empty fish cases from Fry’s
grocery store, a large empty Hawaiian Punch bottle, empty egg cartons
and an empty peanut-butter container. It was not yet known at that time
what had been done with the peanut butter.

The victim could not think of anyone who would ruin his house like
this, and there were no witnesses. Staff members at the nearest Fry’s
did not remember anyone buying the specific items.

GLORY IN THE HEIST

EAST PASEO OTONO

AUG. 29, 12:59 P.M.

An elderly woman was apparently visited by thieves masquerading as
angels, a PCSD report stated.

The woman said she paid a company to send
people to her home for company and help around the house, since she is
elderly, and her husband was ill.

Lately, she said, she noticed odd items going missing during the
time a person came to help. Among the items: a child’s “Leap
Frog” video game, an entertainment coupon book valued at $35, two
restaurant gift cards, a change purse, and miscellaneous food
items.

The reportee discontinued use of the services.

TWO KINDS OF RIP-OFF

UA AREA

SEPT. 12, 7:05 P.M.

A UA football-game attendee landed in jail after refusing to pay for
a $5 bag of popcorn, a UA Police Department report stated.

An officer working the game saw a female arguing with a vendor, who
said the female had taken a bag of popcorn and eaten some without
paying for it. She began calling the vendor a “fucking asshole,” and
the officer told her she would be arrested if she did not pay.

The female would not cooperate, saying, “Fuck you! It’s just a
fucking bag of popcorn!” As she was yelling at him, the officer smelled
alcohol on her breath.

When she was discovered to be only 18 years old, she was arrested
for both theft and underage drinking. She admitted drinking two
Keystone Light beers.

This article appears in Sep 24-30, 2009.