TOO DRUNK TO HURT

NORTH KAIN AVENUE

JULY 16, 8:18 A.M.

A man woke up after a night of heavy drinking to major injuries he
did not remember getting, according to a Pima County Sheriff’s
Department report.

Deputies found the reportee in his trailer—and apparently
still drunk. He told a nonlinear story about getting “hammered” the
night before at his neighbor’s trailer and being attacked by that
neighbor.

That morning, he said, his wife awakened him and informed him that
he had a massive gash across his stomach. He also had a large cut on
his arm.

When deputies met with the neighbor, he also seemed intoxicated.
After attempting to interview him, they assured him that neither party
would be arrested. “Thanks for all your fucking help,” the subject said
sarcastically. Detectives were scheduled to follow up when he was
sober.

LATTER-DAY PREY

WEST NEBRASKA STREET

JULY 18, 12:02 P.M.

Two trusting Mormon missionaries were robbed while trying to convert
residents on the southside, a PCSD report said.

The reporting deputy met with the victims, who wore dress shirts and
black ties. They reported that they had been knocking on doors and had
left their bikes unlocked by a street sign. Later that day, they were
surprised to find the bikes missing.

As they were looking for their property, a man drove up, asked them
if they were missing their bikes and said he could get them new
ones—since he happened to sell bikes out of a nearby trailer
park. He reportedly said he regrettably he did not have his business
cards with him.

The victims did not know the serial numbers of their bikes; however,
one could be identified by a license plate reading “Elder.”

CONSPIRACY REVEALED

UA AREA

AUG. 1, 1:07 P.M.

A man telephoned a University of Arizona staff member with some
strange warnings, a UAPD report stated.

The reportee said she had two bizarre messages on her home answering
machine. In the first one, a male described a “national security
emergency” surrounding “mind-control operations” ongoing at the UA
involving MRI and radio-frequency techniques. The caller was apparently
reading from a script.

During the second call, the caller said that the UA’s vice president
of graduate affairs was under the control of the Department of Defense.
The caller identified himself as “Kevin” and left a phone number.

Officers called the man, who was indeed named Kevin, and he did not
want to meet with officers, because he was afraid.

This article appears in Aug 13-19, 2009.