PAY UP, OR IT’S PORK CHOPS

SOUTH DESERT MOTIF ROAD

JUNE 16, 3:35 P.M.

A lawn ornament depicting a pig with wings was stolen from a local
woman—and then held for ransom, according to a Pima County
Sheriff’s Department report.

The victim gave sheriff’s deputies an envelope containing what
appeared to be a typed ransom letter for the stolen winged swine. The
letter had been left on the windshield of her car that day, she said.
Attached to the letter was a photograph of the ornament, with a
newspaper behind it boasting the date of June 7, 2009. The victim
thought that may have been the date the pig was stolen.

The ransom letter read: “I have the pig. The one with wings. Yeah,
that one. You think you’re so smart. Well, so am I. … Oh yeah, and
the pig is really quiet so I can’t call you so you can hear its voice.
You know, to make sure it’s OK. No matter how much I ask it to speak,
it just won’t talk. So, trust that the pig is OK. Once I know what I
want, well, it will be on … on like Donkey Kong.”

The victim could think of no one who would do such a thing or write
such a letter. She said she may be getting another letter soon, since
another lawn ornament was also missing—a rabbit.

She requested that deputies attempt to retrieve fingerprints from
the photograph of the pig ornament. The reporting deputy assured her
they would try.

The next day, the victim called to report that her rabbit lawn
ornament had been returned to her front yard—with two pig-shaped
balloons tied to it.

MOUTH NEEDS DIAPER

WEST ALVARO ROAD

JUNE 19, 11:41 A.M.

A dirty-minded prankster using unclear logic made obscene phone
calls to an elderly care home, a PCSD report stated.

The reportee said that the assisted-living home she managed had been
receiving odd calls from an unknown young male, possibly in his 20s,
asking if they took care of elderly gentlemen. During the first call,
which the manager’s young daughter answered, he asked if they provided
sponge baths to “very large persons, and if the person gets aroused, do
they provide relief for that?” The daughter said no and hung up after
telling him not to call again.

The next time, the caller asked if they used diapers “for sexual
control.” It was not clear what he meant.

The assisted-living home’s caller ID provided the name of “Kenny
Katherine” and a local number. Law-enforcement officials called the
number repeatedly, but no one answered.

This article appears in Jul 16-22, 2009.