GOING TO HEAVEN

UA AREA

MAY 13, 10:35 P.M.

A nervous breakdown caused a nonreligious UA student to express his
love for Jesus, according to a UA Police Department report.

A UA officer dispatched to the university’s Architecture Building
saw the subject running, completely naked, toward the police car. The
officer stopped the subject by grabbing him, but before he could
handcuff him, the subject squirmed away. When he repeatedly ignored
commands to stop, the officer Tasered him, after which he was
handcuffed and given a blanket to cover his “private areas.”

A friend of the subject reported that he’d started acting strangely
that day, immediately after changing clothes following a
class-picture-taking session. He looked very pale, she said; he stated
he had just talked to God and was “going to go to heaven!” He was
reportedly not a religious person.

When she told him she would take him home, he said he indeed needed
to go home—so his parents could take him to heaven. He then
started calling people on his cell phone and saying, “I know I’m going
to heaven.” When his friends tried to get him in a car to take him
home, he entered willingly, but requested to be taken to heaven
instead. Just after the car began moving, he dove out head-first.

He began approaching everyone in sight, telling them he loved them
and that Jesus loved them, while also attempting to hug them. He
sometimes asked for random items such as his glasses or a phone. He
then disrobed in the middle of a parking lot and began running around
naked.

He was taken to University Medical Center, where staff tried to
cover him with a blanket, but he kept removing it, insisting he didn’t
need clothes to be with Jesus.

The subject’s mother said he had been under great stress. He was
involved in a large project and was about to graduate. He was also
being evicted from his residence.

The subject was kept at UMC for treatment.

ALMOST A COMPLETE BREAKFAST

NORTH FORTY NINER DRIVE

MAY 3, 10:30 P.M.

Unknown pranksters wasted food and sports equipment on vandalism at
a northeast-side home, said a Pima County Sheriff’s Department
report.

The homeowner said someone dumped three large boxes of Quaker
oatmeal in her pool. Her son had gone to the door immediately after
this occurred and saw three individuals running from the residence,
dressed in black and wearing black stocking caps.

This was not the first time her house had been vandalized, the
reportee said. Recently, a gallon of milk had been poured on her front
doorstep, and a week earlier, exactly 369 golf balls were found in her
pool.

No suspects were located.

This article appears in May 28 – Jun 3, 2009.