Guest Commentary

Hi. I’m Robert Mac, and I’m about to motivate people to fix the immigration issue once and for all.

See, I’m a motivational speaker, and I’m really good. Last week, I spoke to a group of people, and within five minutes, they were on their feet, motivated out of the building to do something more productive with their lives. While I was talking to them!

Anyway, Arizona’s immigration law, SB 1070—which sounds like the world’s strongest sun block—is a stupid idea, if you ask me, and I know you were about to. Plus, I’m kind of an expert on stupid ideas.

Why is it a stupid idea? Well, for one thing, if Arizona’s law-enforcement officers are busy checking people’s immigration status, who is going to harass all the gays and bicyclists? They’ll be able to peddle their asses up and down Fourth Avenue, and without anyone keeping them in check, Tucson will face spandex shortages. And without tight-fitting, colorful outfits, concealed weapons will be that much harder to find.

But it gets worse: Just the other day, Gov. Jan “Stoopid Ideas” Brewer said that most immigrants crossing the border are smuggling drugs. It got me thinking, which I do a lot—why do you think they call me mental? And here’s what I thought: In the last election for governor, I got the same number of votes that she did! How come her ideas are becoming laws, while mine remained trapped, genie-like, inside my head? My brain is so dense with ideas … I don’t want to make it sound like I’m bragging, but I’m probably the densest person in Tucson.

Granted, she did receive a radiological technologist certificate from Glendale Community College, giving her the ability to see inside people’s souls. But she received no training in politics, international studies or even hotel/restaurant management.

I, on the other hand, have visited the University of Arizona, the “Harvard of the West,” or (since Harvard fancies itself as the University of Arizona of the East), the “University of Arizona of the East of the West,” or “U of A” for short. Lately, some people on campus have been mistaking me for an immigrant, saying, “Go away,” which proves that they think immigration in Arizona is a big problem. But I’ve read a lot of stories on the TV and the YouTube, and I know immigration’s not a problem. It’s a combination of problemS, with a capital S, but that’s too much for most people to wrap their brain around. Well, lucky for you, my brain’s a lot more flexible than that.

You say, “Think outside the box.” I say, “How high?”

Immigration is actually two problems: 1) We’ve got a bunch of people who want to be in our country because we’re No. 1, and B) which stands for border: We have a border that’s too long to protect.

Have you looked at a map recently? It’s a 2,000-mile dotted line. Well, no wonder so many people are getting through—it’s a dotted line!

Do you know how long the Panama Canal is? Probably not, because no one motivated you to look it up. Well, it’s only 10 miles long. Violà! (which is French for “Ta-da!”). All President Obama—who went to the University of Arizona of the East, before he taught at the University of Tucson of the North—has to do is issue my Shorter Border Order—the SBO#1. Here’s how it works: We move the border to the Panama Canal—which is very secure, what with all those locks—and then take over all the countries between here and there:

1. Panama.

2. Mexico.

3. All the other ones.

All the people who want to come to America won’t have to come here, because they’ll already be here, but now they’ll be paying taxes to Uncle Sam instead of Uncle Tio, or whoever. (I’m not sure which of their relatives is in charge of revenue services.) We’ll make a bunch of money in taxes, and the border will be shorter and easier to keep in order.

You’re totally welcome.

This article appears in Jul 15-21, 2010.