While gay marriage is not legal in Arizona, it is recognized in six
states—and, hopefully, Arizona (and the other 43 behind-the-times
states) will pull their heads out of their antiquated, homophobic asses
and stop clinging to irrelevant biblical tenets and the skewed notion
that a “family” is defined by its ratio of penis to vagina.
But enough about political justice; bring on the celebrity
weddings!
We’ve tritely but lovingly taken the liberty of helping our favorite
celebrity gay/lesbian couples plan their nuptials. You’re welcome,
guys.
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi
The Emmy Award-winning talk-show host and the Australian
small-screen siren (of Ally McBeal and Arrested
Development fame) hooked up in 2004 and have been mutually devoted
ever since. The day after the California Supreme Court announced its
gay-marriage decision (which was later overturned by voters, the
bastards), DeGeneres made an announcement of her own: She fully
intended to make it legal with her longtime love. They indeed married
last August. While we weren’t there—the invitation must have
gotten lost in the mail—here’s what we imagined it looked
like.
OFFICIATED BY: The indignant ghost of Jerry Falwell.
LOCATION: Under a spotlight.
FLOWERS: Calla lilies.
FAVORS: Puppies, which will be seized immediately after your
children bond with them.
BAND: Justin Timberlake, or nothing!
OBLIGATORY DANCE CRAZE: The “Ellen,” of course. Freestyle
awkwardly to ’70s pop music while millions of housewives cheer you
on.
SELECTED READING: The Man Inside Me by Dr. Tobias
Fünke.
Cynthia Nixon and Christine Marinoni
From Sex and the City to same-sex and the city, Nixon shocked
the world by ditching her (male) partner of 15 years, Danny
Mozes—with whom she has two children—and proclaiming her
soulmate to be education activist Marinoni, who continues to astound
gawkers with her resemblance to Danny Bonaduce. The crimson-headed
couplet, who keep their relationship relatively under the radar, have
been going strong since 2003, and are still red-hot for each other.
Nixon announced their engagement in March.
OFFICIATED BY: Cat-fighting Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim
Cattrall, with Kristin Davis trying desperately to get in a word.
WEDDING PARTY: The Partridge Family.
FLOWERS: Lady slippers.
FIRST DANCE: “Sally Cinnamon” by the Stone Roses.
FAVORS: Manolo Blahniks and Doc Martens.
THE CAKE: Layers of carrot cake and gingerbread.
Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka
The child prodigy (paging Dr. Doogie!) and his Broadway-thespian
love kept their relationship under wraps for quite a while, until
Internet gossip prompted Harris to publicly come out, in quietly classy
fashion. Burtka, whose work has included guest appearances on his man’s
smash sitcom, How I Met Your Mother, seems to be just what the
doctor ordered; rumor (and who doesn’t implicitly trust rumors?) has it
that the couple has been together since 2006.
OFFICIATED BY: That loveable goofball Vinnie Delpino.
FLOWERS: Titan arums (also known as penis flowers).
WEDDING PARTY: The entire cast of Rent.
SELECTED READING: An Ideal Husband by Oscar Wilde.
FIRST DANCE: “Dr. Feelgood” by Mötley Crüe.
ON THE MENU: Burgers from White Castle.
OBLIGATORY DANCE CRAZE: The Tootsie Roll.
Luke Macfarlane and Wentworth Miller
They’ve yet to even admit they’re a couple—MacFarlane came out
publicly fairly recently, and Miller hasn’t at all—but ever since
these two “bestest buds” were first spotted together in 2007, tongues
have been wagging, and women have been mourning. The Brothers and
Sisters star and his Prison Break hunk are often spotted
strolling casually together, hands crammed pointedly into pockets,
which, of course, only goes to further fan the flame. If unconfirmed
gossip and scheming speculation are any indication, these perfect
specimens have carried their relationship far beyond the boundaries of
bro-mance.
LOCATION: Gold’s Gym.
WEDDING PARTY: Scads of bawling teenage girls.
SELECTED READING: You guessed it: Brokeback Mountain by Annie Proulx.
ON THE MENU: Nothin’ but beef.
FIRST DANCE: “Secret Lovers” by Atlantic Starr.
BAND: None—a DJ will spin selections from Jock Jams,
Volume 1 exclusively.
FAVORS: Nondisclosure agreements.
A version of this story originally appeared in the Boston
Phoenix.
This article appears in Jul 16-22, 2009.
QUOTE “Arizona (and the other 43 behind-the-times states) will pull their heads out of their antiquated, homophobic asses and stop clinging to irrelevant biblical tenets and the skewed notion that a “family” is defined by its ratio of penis to vagina.” VERY INAPPROPRIATELY WORDED. My best friend is a homosexual man and I have no problems with him. I am a Christian and although I might not agree with his way of life or lifestyle choices, they do not in any way affect our relationship as friends and he knows that I still hold him as a dear friend and brother. The way this is article worded is insensitive and unproffesional! The gay community cries out for equality and wishes that people around them would not be so judgmental, they ask for respect and dignity in the lives they live. I (as a Christian person) will give everyone respect, equality, and dignity, I will not judge you for your actions. If I don’t agree with your lifestyle thats my right, however I will NOT in any way shape or form put you down for your choices, I will respect you not only as simply a fellow human being but also as an individual entitled to your own decisions. All I ask, as a Christian who believes in these so called “irrelevant biblical tenets” that you respect me the same for my decisions. Give me the respect I give you (and just ask my best friend I respect him to the max). Honor my decisions even if you might not agree with them at least don’t downgrade me for my beliefs and philosophies. Equality is equality for all. No man or woman is better than any other and I deserve the equal respect that I give you. To word your article so harshly toward Christian or Bible believing individuals is just as insensitive as all too many people are toward the homosexual community. You want equality and so do I, I feel we must work together to achieve it and stop putting each other down!
AK47, you must not be a very good friend if you don’t support your “best friend’s” lifestyle.
The author has a just as much right to voice her opinion in whatever manner she and her editor choose. Just like you have the right to politically oppose your “best friend’s” civil rights.
Get over it.