(Note: I am seriously this close to accidentally typing “chocolate covered anuses,” which would make this a substantially different product.)

It’s amazing how much I think I’ve seen before the Internet tells me that, once again, I have no idea.

Anyway, if you’re one of those people too, then we’ve got some sharing and learning to do, friend! I present to you, the Edible Anus!

EdibleAnus.jpg

That’s a beautiful image. The best part, though, is the copy, which is in full below if you can’t read it:

Rings of succulent chocolate lovingly cast and crafted from the delectable posterior of our stunning butt model. This luxury chocolate is unique and manufactured entirely in the UK. Watch Grandma’s face light up as she unwraps a homely selection of chocolate cracks. The perfect gift for all the family.

PRESERVATIVES? NOT HERE WE ONLY SELL FRESH CHOCOLATES!

For us, making chocolate is an art, which is why we only produce traditional hand made chocolate of the highest standard. We also believe the anus range can dissolve cultural boundaries of race, gender, class and sexual orientation. So join the uprising, spread the joy and let’s teach the world to LOVE THE ANUS.

I don’t know about you guys, but I cannot imagine a world in which I present a box of chocolate anuses to my nana.

Regardless, this (w)hole thing raises a number of questions: One, can we see the butt model? Not necessarily the exact, uh, “region” from which the mold was formed, but at least to get an impression (ha!) of the ass we’re eating? Two, why are we limited to only white chocolate, milk chocolate and dark chocolate? I feel we should at least get mocha and strawberry-vanilla flavors, to truly represent the anus spectrum. I mean, there’s got to be a practical rainbow of asses out there, right? And three, doesn’t it just make sense that one of the members of the Scissor Sisters endorses these things?

But don’t worry, folks. If an Edible Anus is too much for you, there’s something even better coming down the pipeline, we’ve got a better solution: an Inedible Anus formed from silver, complete with engraved edition number. Y’know. For the person who needs to have one of everything.

Just note that each order of a box o’ butts will cost you at least $36 (five boxes, three anuses each), plus $12 for shipping and handling.

You don’t want them to be rough with your new anuses, after all.

[Edible Anus; h/t Laughing Squid]

This article appears in May 30 – Jun 5, 2013.

7 replies on “For the Person In Your Life Who Needs to Have Absolutely Everything: The Edible Anus”

  1. “For the Person In Your Life Who Needs to Have Absolutely Everything: The Edible Anus”

    I’m glad I don’t feel the need to have absolutely everything after reading the heading.

    Oh, by the way, very punny article Mr. Mendez. You deserved that one horrible pun thrown back at you for all the ones you hurled at the readers in this piece. I kept hearing rim shots in my head while reading this article.

  2. I wanted to make a salad tossing joke in there somewhere, but it was just too hard to fit it. That’s not the kind of joke that you can just shove in — you need to kinda warm up a bit before.

  5. Sounds like a perfect gift for Jan Brewer. When she opens the box, she will see her own likenesses.

  6. David, They don’t say anything about calories in their Edible Anus. Should we only have one or two?
    I’m sorry I can’t stop laughing. Thanks for sharing.

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