When Arizona voters passed the Medical Marijuana Act, I was a happy camper.
Finally, after the better part of two decades here, I would be living in a state with some sense about something. Finally, the nation’s eyes were on us for something good, not for our wacky Legislature or goofy governor.
I decided to wait for the dust to settle before I got a card. Then, when the Tucson Weekly posted this writing gig, I decided to embark on the pot-clinic route to certification. I wanted to see what the street-corner-sign-waving was all about, to get a peek inside the circus tent for potential publication.
Before I tell you this story, you should know that I’m not accusing anyone of violating any laws or medical standards or regulations or oaths or creeds. I am not accusing anyone of anything; I am telling you a story. Your mileage may vary, so to speak.
Anyway, when I started Googling, I quickly found USA Cannabis Physicians Group (www.eMedicalMarijuanaCard.com). It has a Tucson clinic.
“If the physician does not approve you, you do not have to pay any fees,” the website says. How could I lose? I called (888) MY-420-MD for an appointment.
I started to get concerned when I saw the sign on the clinic, at 3816 E. Fifth St. It was a sheet of paper, straight from the printer, hanging from the glass by a single piece of tape. There was no brass plaque with the doctor’s name, and not even a cheap plastic sign from OfficeMax.
This was going to be interesting.
I walked into the waiting room. “Interesting” is one way to put it. The aged, well-worn furniture didn’t match. There was no music. It seemed stuffy and droll. I told the scrubs-clad receptionist my name; she handed me a questionnaire and took my credit card. Cha-ching. The bill was $143.
“The doctor will see you in a few minutes,” she said. She didn’t smile.
While I was waiting, I heard a snippet of tense conversation between the receptionist and the doctor.
“If we don’t, then we’ll have to do a refund,” the receptionist said. She sounded a little pissed. Great.
After a few minutes, the nurse called me for my exam. It turned out to be just like any medical exam—except it didn’t seem medical in any way whatsoever.
Usually, when you wait for the doctor, there are interesting, colorful diagrams on the walls: How Your Colon Works. Your Spine Revealed. Where Fat Comes From.
Here, the walls were bare. The exam table had a hole for my face, not stirrups. There were no potential roach-clip hemostats to consider stealing.
The nurse came in.
To her credit, she did have a stethoscope—a real one, not the pink, plastic kind my daughter had when she was little. The nurse wrapped the cuff around my arm and listened very carefully, as if she were actually taking my blood pressure. I think she did.
I went back to the waiting room, and after a few minutes, I went in to see the doctor.
I sat down as he glanced through my questionnaire, making a few notes on it while he asked about the severity and frequency of my pain. He looked out the window at the parking lot.
“Do you like your motorcycle?” he asked in a thick Slavic accent. “I just came here from New York, and I was thinking about getting one. Is it a good place to ride a motorcycle?”
“Yes. Tucson is a perfect place to ride a motorcycle,” I said, wrinkling my brow. He seemed more interested in my motorcycle than my health.
He wasn’t even looking at me. He was talking to my questionnaire.
“This isn’t enough. I need to see your medical records,” he said dispassionately, glancing up at me.
He directed me to the front desk, where the tattooed receptionist/nurse gave me a form she would fax to my doctor. She assured me she would send it out that day, and I left.
As I was enjoying my ride home in the Arizona sunshine, I realized the doctor hadn’t even told me his name.
Next week: How to get a pot card, Part 2.
This article appears in Nov 10-16, 2011.
As long as you are on the subject, here is a good question for you to answer.
You probably know that you can go to a doctor and get a prescription for aspirin, Tylenol, or other similar drugs. All it takes is to tell the doctor that you hurt somewhere. You mention that you have pain and would like a pain killer and the doctor will write the scrip. No further evidence needed. I have even seen occasions when the doctor wrote the scrip without ever looking at the patient or their medical records.
If you are old enough, you may remember the old joke (back when doctors still made house calls) about what the doctor will say when you call him in the middle of the night: Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
So what, you ask? Well, NSAIDS like aspirin and Tylenol kill thousands of people per year in the US — as opposed to none for marijuana. According to the DEA’s own Chief Administrative Law Judge, marijuana is probably the safest therapeutically active substance known to man. In fact, it causes fewer overdose deaths than water (water overdoses – drinking too much, not drowning – kill about 100 per year). (See http://druglibrary.org/schaffer/Library/st… for the full text of the DEA judge’s decision. )
Now, if you can get a drug that kills thousands of people per year by doing nothing more than telling the doctor you have a pain, then how much justification should be required to obtain a drug that kills no one?
If you can’t answer that question, then you really haven’t illuminated anything with your writing. All you have done is write another forgettable story to titillate people’s prejudices.
While you are pondering that, you will want to read the short history of how we got into this mess at http://druglibrary.org/schaffer/History/wh… It isn’t what you expected.
clifford,i could not have said it better.it makes me wonder if doctors at the medical- marijuana clinics will be rounded up and marched off to prison,as happened to thousands of doctors when the government decided they where over prescribing morphine in first half of the century.i consider these doctors at the med-marijuana clinics to be brave warriors,willing to put it all on the line to help fight for the ill at all costs.are you J.L Smith?support these clinics,and admire these professionals who are ,in their own right,are fighting for our freedom of choice.these days that is rare.”if we don’t stand for something we’ll fall for anything”,support,don’t attack them.we need them and they need us.”the revolution will not be televised.”
Actually, you don’t even need a doctor’s permission to buy potentially lethal drugs like aspirin and Tylenol. Which underscores the insanity of our drug laws even more.
As for myself, I prefer, “The evolution will not be terrorized”. 🙂
Slavic/New York/Tucson
Part 1 and 2
I love a good story about Cannabis that resonates from EARTH.