Tonight, Thursday, Aug. 6, will be one of the greatest nights of summer television broadcasting in a non-Olympic year EVER! With only a scant 460 days before the next presidential election, we are going to be treated to the first Republican presidential debate. (It’s only a coincidence that it’s also the 70th anniversary of the atomic bombing of Hiroshima.)

While there is a lot of stuff that you can binge-watch on Netflix or Amazon Prime, most of the broadcast material is weak this time of year. Denis Leary’s show about an aging rock star is OK and it’s kinda fun watching “Rizzoli and Isles” to see just how much weight Angie Harmon can lose before she finally turns inside out and becomes a wormhole to her former self. In the old days (like 2012), presidential politics didn’t really kick in until the start of the election (and Olympic) year. But now with all that dark money floating around just waiting to be misspent, everybody wants to get a head start.

This political season is going to be different from the past. Tired of having their candidates embarrassed by tough questions, the Republican Party and Fox News (if you’ll pardon the redundancy) have taken control of the process. From now on, the questions will run the gamut on the hardness scale all the way from beach ball to marshmallow. (Sample: Gov. Rick Perry, are you sure that you have your glasses on the right way?)

Some long-time readers say that I go out of my way to take shots at Republicans and I’ll admit that it does sometimes tiptoe up next to my lifelong personal policy of never picking on the handicapped. But really, just look at this cast of characters. You’ve got a medical doctor, who is also African-American, comparing a health-care program that will save millions of lives from slavery. (That’s in the tradition of the really-awful Supreme Court Justice who once compared being asked a few questions by United States Senators to a lynching.)

You’ve got a Jesus freak who claims to be the best friend of the Jews talking about walking people up to the ovens. (I’ll bet Jews just love that kind of talk. It’s like the self-proclaimed cool white guy who thinks it’s okay to use the N-word.)

I’m actually drawn to the people bringing up the rear, those who, even this early in the process, have almost no chance of winning their party’s nomination. Near the bottom is Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, whose “Hey, I’m sort of a minority and I went to a fancy college” schtick isn’t catching on with the Republican base. (Gee, I wonder why.) I’m sorry, but if Jindal stooped over a little bit, he would look just like Dobby the House Elf from the “Harry Potter” movies. Somebody needs to throw that dude a sock so he can be free from the Republican Party.

Right near Jindal in the standings is Carly Fiorina, the only woman in the race. She first became famous for becoming the head of Hewlitt-Packard, one of the 20 largest companies in America. Through the sheer force of her will, she managed to cut the value of HP in half in just a few short years. She then tried to buy a U.S. Senate seat in California and when that didn’t work, she decided to paint herself as the Republican who is best able to attack Hillary Clinton in a shrill and unproductive manner.

For Fiorina, the answer to the question “How do you make a small fortune in the tech business?” is “Start with a large fortune.”

At the very bottom is South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham, who is the hawk-iest hawk of all hawks. Unfortunately for him, the country (including a stunningly high percentage of Republicans) is war-weary. I think that his passion to bomb stuff can be traced to the fact that he has had to spend 60 years on this Earth with the name Lindsey (which is an Olde English term for “please kick my ass”).

In the Really-Strange-But-True category is the fact that Lindsey Graham’s late father’s first name was Florence. That explains the Lindsey thing. The dad probably wanted to give his son a name that was really macho by comparison.

John Kasich is in the mix, but is probably running for vice-president. He’s the governor of the swing state of Ohio and he’ll try to convince the front-runner that he can deliver his home state. (John F. Kennedy, in 1960, was the last person to win the presidency without winning Ohio.) About the only thing interesting about Kasich is that he has been divorced.

I remember the old days when Republicans erected the fake Family Values platform on which to stand and glare down at others. Divorce was a big no-no back then until Ronald Reagan came along and then it was, “It’s okay as long as you don’t talk about it a lot.”

I just wish I could ask one question to the people on stage. It would be, “In the years since President Obama was first elected during the Great Recession of 2008 (please note that I didn’t refer to it as ‘the Bush Recession’), how have your personal financial portfolios performed?”

That would be like turning on the light and watching the cockroaches scurry for cover.

This article appears in Aug 6-12, 2015.

23 replies on “Danehy”

  1. In the last few presidential elections the “clown car” full of Republican wannabes has become cliche. This election will move that characterization from cliche to an entry in dictionaries and encyclopedias. There is no Republican candidate, yet announced, who can seriously be considered presidential caliber. Hopefully the “debate” will be streamed on Fox, I’m stocking up on beer and pretzels.

    That said, on the other side we have Her Inevitableness steam rollering her way to the Democratic nomination. The Democrats need to wake up to the fact that many in the party can’t stand her and seem to be hoping her campaign will implode well before the convention providing time for another candidate to emerge and take the reins a la Obama in ’08. If Hillary does win the nomination, even a Republican Bozo stands a chance with the country nearly evenly distributed between the two official and sacrosanct parties.

    Independents, myself included, will watch the great debate tonight with the same level of fascination as a jello wrestling ticket. On the other hand, many of us will hope for Clinton’s campaign to come apart offering a more palatable alternative. Like Tom said, there’s only a scant 460 days before the next presidential election. Plenty of time for the cast of characters to change.

  2. Let’s look at the Democratic side. A phony bitch who’s antics could put her in jail. The same Hillary who was supposed to be president now if some unheard of troublemaker from Chicago didn’t come along and knock her out of the box.
    An all-out Socialist who wants to close the stock market and put a free clinic there.
    And now we may have good ol’ Uncle Joe in the race. You know joe. The one who called Obummer ‘clean and articulate’. The stooge who asked a guy in a wheel chair to stand up so we can have a look at ya.
    Very impressive,Tom. Very impressive.

  3. You have not mentioned “the Donald”, that beloved American hoaxr, who is of course not running for president but has made a commitment to demonstrate to the American voter what a class of clowns the Republican party has presented to them this time. I am hoping that one or more of the assembled incompetents makes the mistake of attacking him. That should provide us with some fun in his retorts, using the New York brand of put down humor, so endearing to those folks in the other 49 states. Laugh On!

  6. Hey Danehick ~

    Congrats on another yet another typically obtuse (look it up), lefty column.

    Of course you can’t acknowledge the fact that at least the Republicans HAVE people seeking the nomination, as opposed to your suck-@ss party which is laying down for the scumbags from Arkansas.

    Or should I say thieves, proven by recent articles which documented that the Clinton Clan ransacked the White House upon their departure in 2000:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2002/06/12/us/white-house-vandalized-in-transition-gao-finds.html

    In any event, here is — yet again — another “Ode to Danehick”:

    Once there was a douchebag columnist named Tom.

    Who wrote virtually everything wrong.

    He claimed to be a genius – when in fact he was clueless,

    Many of us wish he was long gone.

    Yours,
    Danehick Sux

  8. That’s funny rat. They gave Berger probation. He should have gone to jail for stealing 911 documents.

  9. My God your timing is hilarious. Your assertion that Fox would serve up “beach balls” and marshmallows” ……… wrong as usual Tom.
    The debate was entertaining and the questions were tough.
    Now go back to Sharpton and Rachel the mad cow on MSNBC ( oops, that sounded like Trump)
    I don’t know who you will steal your material from now that John Stewart is gone.
    Good luck finding new partisan talking points. Maybe your side will quit protecting your front runner and have their own debate.

  10. Vince, I, too, want a Democratic debate. It might be nice to wait until the actual election year so that it will be a bit more compelling and timely. And shame on you. You’ve talked to me often enough to know that whatever comes out of my mouth is my own stuff, for good or bad. Besides, I watch “SportsCenter” late at night, not “The Daily Show.”

  11. Hi,
    It worked. I smoked you out. I do not doubt that your material is all original ( gangsta).
    I thought you might like to see how it feels to be accused of stealing ideas.
    Your more conservative readers ( all five of us) are told that we are “parroting'” talk radio or O’Reilly every time we type a response to your weekly column. This comes from your NPR and Bill Maher loving readers, not you of course.
    Personally , I steal my talking points from ” Real Clear Politics” so at least I have to read an opinion column or two before the brainwashing sets in, and I start an argument with you.:-) Usually George Will or Steve Forbes. I also figured out that Trump might be a “Clinton plant” long before any pundits brought it up.
    By the way, a “debate” in the ” Democrat” party will probably consist of more questions like ” so Mrs. Clinton, what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?”
    Did she really wear an orange pantsuit last night when she took those selfies with the Kardashians?
    All week long we have heard jokes about The FBI raiding her house in Chappaqua to find her server
    and how she will show up in the debates wearing orange and a ball and chain, and guess what, she frickin wears an orange pantsuit to Hollywood.
    Talk about clueless.
    Please run Sanders or Schultz or Biden or Warren or O’Malley or the corpse of Lyndon Baines Johnson.
    Just not this phony, pompous …………….. I’m trying not to swear anymore.
    Best wishes……V

  12. Great job as always, Vince. The only reason I’d like to see the queen of pants suits run is if Carly got the Rep. nomination. I’d sell my soul to see them debate. Even with the narrators tossing soft balls at the Hillster and hand grenades at Carly, she’d still mop up the stage with her just like she did with that asshole Chris Matthews.
    Other than that, give me Biden. Talk about funny. It would be like the old days. Smoke a nice,fat joint then go to the movies for an all night Marx Bros. festival. laugh yourself sick. ” Stand up Jim, let’s have a look at ya!!”

  13. I’ve watched Carly F. go through the steps of her time on the floor cackling like a hen,
    it seems at times she can’t get the word out of her mouth, due to the foot being in the way…….I can’t see why any one would sell their soul for that CW 13.

  14. The NY Times just released an apology for misleading the public on the Planned Parenthood videos. They now say they were not edited and the full video always was available to them. Funny they waited until the first debate was over.

    What other tricks will you liberal progressives stoop to?

  15. Maybe it’s just that, you’re an old man. She would mop up the floor with that phony bitch.

  19. 59 dislikes and only one comment. And that one was just another stupid, childish insult from Catwoman. Know what that shows me? That all 59 of you know what a lying, shrill BITCH Madam Hillary is and she’ll never be president. Hell, she very well may not even get the nomination. Tough to run a campaign from a jail cell !!!

  23. I love my day job CW13…..I get up when I want, eat and sleep when I want…..As for you I wouldn’t be bragging about your party affiliation, they’re going down. That’s what makes the hatred in you come out.

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