As opinionated as I am, I find that one of most surprising and refreshing occurrences in life is when somebody presents me with information that prompts me to change my mind about something (or, at the very least, to give a subject a lot more thought). This will not be one of those columns because the people about whom I will be writing are so close-minded, so tunnel-vision-ed, so absolutely certain that they are right, that they will probably argue with St. Peter when he opens up his ledger of Minor Transgressions at the Pearly Gates. But, just so someone will be on record on this matter, you people are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooo wrong. Plus, many of you smell bad.

I was in a grocery store the other day. I won’t name the store, but it’s the same stupid-ass store that invites intra-customer conflict with its express lanes that say “15 or so Items,” as though the world isn’t full of jackasses who get up every morning just looking for situations in which they can mess with decent people. (I know I said that I wouldn’t shop at that store any more, but they had a sale on a certain type of cheese that I like. Plus, I boycotted them for, like, two full weeks one time. I’m fairly certain that it showed up on their year-end balance sheet.)

Anyway, I’m walking through the store and when I get to the cheese section, there’s this young couple there with a shopping cart that’s basically in my way. I’m very patient and polite in such situations and I wait my turn. However, I looked in their shopping cart and was taken aback. I said to them, “You have a dog in the shopping cart.”

They looked at me with puzzled expressions, then she said, “So?”

“So it’s a dog! In a grocery store! Where they sell food for human beings! It’s a dog!” (There are some situations for which all those years of education—and communicating for a living—still leave you unprepared.)

“What do you expect me to do?” she snapped. “Leave (it) in the car?”

“No,” I said, “that would be cruel.”

I have to be real clear here. I hate it when I hear about cases of animal cruelty, of animals that are beaten or deprived of food or water. The people who do that should be punished severely (or, if their dad is a U.S. Senator, they should get a stern talking-to before the charges are dropped). I would never be cruel to an animal and I won’t even travel to a country where culture includes dogs as part of the local cuisine, even if they’re making that Italian dish, fettuccine al-Fido.

(All you PETA people can just go back to not bathing or shaving. I readily admit that I occasionally consume animal products. I think it’s the fault of pigs and cows that they’re just so delicious! People tell me that pigs are relatively intelligent. They’ve got to be aware of their own bacon-osity.)

I finished the thought, “You should leave it at home.”

She looked over at her husband/boyfriend/whatever, apparently expecting him to be gallant and join in the fray. He had a look on his face like, “Please let me be anywhere else! Please let me be anywhere else!”

She had her dog in the shopping cart, but I know which items of that guy’s she had in her purse.

When she realized that the guy wasn’t going to be any help, she leaned on that urban myth as she said, “I don’t know what your problem is. Everybody knows that dogs are cleaner than people.”

I said, “Oh, you mean like your dog that just sh-t on the floor?” The dog hadn’t, but I made her look. She said, “You act like you’ve never seen a dog in a grocery store before.”

I said, “My friend and I went into this Vietnamese grocery store in central L.A. once … but I don’t want to talk about that. And no, I’ve never seen a live dog in a grocery store before.”

The store manager turned out to be no help. He didn’t know if it was against the law or even against store policy to bring a dog into a grocery store. He pretty much had the same constipated look as that guy had had, like he would rather do just about anything rather than having to make a decision.

Apparently, because non-crazy people are too timid to speak up, these dog people are becoming bolder. There’s this woman at church who walks in with a big dog that has a service-dog vest on. I keep expecting the woman to develop a fake limp like those people who park in handicapped spaces for no good reason whatsoever. It’s a proven fact that between 98 and 102 percent of all animals with service-dog vests on are owned by people who bought the vests online so that they could be jerks and take their dogs into places where dogs don’t belong. The church lady might be legit, but the odds are strongly against it.

Let’s be clear: Dogs don’t belong in the store, in theaters or at church. If they’re away from home, they should probably be on a leash, outdoors, preferably at Brandi Fenton Park.

This article appears in Jun 11-17, 2015.

24 replies on “Danehy”

  1. What a cushy life Tom must lead that he has energy to care if a lady brings her dog into a store.

  2. Thank you Tom. I so agree. Now you have to jump over them in airports to get to your flight. Dog owners have become emboldened much like bicyclists that ride three abreast, daring you to pass them. Society has lost it’s respect for each other in it’s own selfish misguided endeavors.

    Next they will demand public dog restrooms.

  3. Your writing has evolved to rely so much on cliche that it blurs content and substance.
    Pablum.

  5. Now imagine that the service dog is a bulldog and it’s in the lap of the guy sitting next to you on a plane. You are allergic to dogs. When you ask the flight attendant for assistance, she invites you to get off the plane. When you complain to the airlines, they tell you the FAA mandates access. The airline has no policy to segregate service animals so you can assure that you are not flying next to one.

  6. Hello Tom. I usually enjoy your columns, but not in this instance, and I did not find your attempt at humor in the least funny. I am deaf. My deafness is partially compensated for with a cochlear implant. I also have a hearing-ear service dog. Your rant does nothing but reinforce negative attitudes and difficulties we service dog partners deal with on too many occasions in the public sector. There are many “invisible” handicaps among service dog owners, hearing being just one example. You cannot look at a service dog team and make an assumption about someone’s disability or their need for a service dog. So I found your comment about the woman in church infantile, as well as your flip assessment of her need. Are there bogus service dogs out there? Absolutely. It is a problem that should be addressed. However, for those of us who depend on our dogs, you might consider being a bit more circumspect in your comments and a little less judgmental in your attitudes.

  7. I didn’t see anything in Tom’s column to suggest he is including service dogs. I, too, do not like to see people toting around their pets (not service dogs) in grocery stores and banks. What about people who are allergic to dog hair? There is no reason to cart your dog around town just for your own pleasure. Don’t leave them in your car, leave them at home! Pets don’t need to run errands.

    Now, about those wailing babies in restaurants and … Hey! You kids! Get off my lawn!

  8. Hey SC,
    I think you have a second implant besides the cochlear and you need to remove it from your backside and rediscover your sense of humor.
    The column was damn funny and this review is from a dog lover who carries food in his work truck to
    feed strays in this lovely Sonoran desert city where animals seem to be disposable in some areas of town. Some folks do force their animals on others and it’s annoying. Especially in restaurants and airports.
    Other people let their damn kids run wild at the Chinese buffet and reach into the General Tso chicken with their greasy little hands. They are even worse than the pushy animal lovers.
    Enjoyed the rant and this is from someone who gives Tommy grief quite often. Never for his wicked sense of humor however. Stop with thin skin and laugh at yourself occasionally.

  9. I love dogs, well, I love some of my dogs, well , some of my dogs love me most of the time, well, all my dogs should love me, hell, anyone should love me if I feed them, walk them, play with them, brush them, push their ugly asses uphill, wash them, shelter them, train them, let them slobber on me, lick me, follow me, make me pick up their shit, bury their shit, let them bring me shit and put up with their shit. But, I draw the line at pushing them around in shopping carts. They might as well be cats that don’t purr.

  10. SC…what, exactly does a service dog do for a deaf person ? Do they hear or read lips for you ?
    Please enlighten.

  15. Rat T. You do know it is letgal for bicyclists to ride three abreast, right? I know, how awfully inconvenient for irate motorists who think their taxes towards streets should give them exclusive access drape bicyclists taxes alai maintaining those public streets that lethally require equal access. It’s so disrespectful for people on bicycles to inconvenience your car. What?

    Look, I agree about the dog business but you lost any credit when you said it is a sign of cyclists (societsl) selfishness being minority inconvenienced by bicyclists NOT breaking any traffic laws but preventing you from scarily zooming past them as they hug the curb. Ohhhh so you being selfish about exclusive access to streets with your motor driven vehicle trumps everyone else? Totally not a sign of selfish culture? Sigh. Try to see how much you’re actually outing yourself as one of these dog people next time.

  16. Well, stay the hell out of Just about every European country then. People take their dogs everywhere with them. And their dogs are, in general, better behaved, better socialized, and cleaner than dogs here. The only point I’ll agree on is that dogs shouldn’t be in shopping carts. But on a leash, on the ground? No problem.

    And as for that store manager? It is against most retail store policies to ask if an animal is a service animal. There are “emotional support” animals now. Many combat vets with PTSD have them. You confront someone about their emotional support animal and you could be contributing to their problem. Nice was to embarrass and possibly add to the problems of a person, and also a nice way to get sued.

  17. I’d rather see a dog in a grocer than a dude open-carrying a gun, the latter of which I have encountered. Are the angry tomatoes about to attack?

    As for not traveling to a country where dog is part of the cultural cuisine, then you best not travel about the western US anymore, Tom. Read the Lewis and Clark travel narrative and Francis Parkman’s _The Oregon Trail_, and you’ll find that dog–that is, puppy–and horse were once regularly consumed all across the western territories.

  18. Sorry El Jaime you made some assumptions that were inaccurate. I referenced the three abreast from personal REPEATED experiences where the third bike actually comes out into my lane when I am blocked by a car to my left at 40 MPH. I tap the horn and I get the finger from two or three of them each time. Some bicyclists lack moral integrity. Not all.

    But those are actually breaking traffic laws. There is a minimum speed limit and impeding the flow of traffic s illegal. Re read my post.

  19. phill…what the hell does that video have to do with somebody bringing a dog into a grocery store or restaurant ? Even a deaf person. I’d still like to know what a dog does daily for a deaf person.

  21. Dear Tom,

    You sound like a wanker but I agree completely with your article. I worked overseas for a decade and upon returning to the US I’ve found it is infested with dog fanatics. It wasn’t like this before. There are so many irresponsible dog owners and no one to deal with their nonsense that I spend at least part of my day combing the real estate ads looking for properties out on the hinterland where I can get away from these cretins and all their accumulated nonsense. Good luck trying to steer the herd back to some sort of modicum of reasonableness.

  22. I think this is utterly disgusting too, a dogs ASS where the food goes. Dog feces carries bacteria and parasites. Stores should strongly discourage this behavior, also because when a dog bites someone in the store they are likely to be liable if they didn’t.

    Leaving the dog HOME is for the dogs protection as well. I know of several occasions where dogs have been attacked and killed by other dog while out in public, even at coffee house patios and store fronts.

  23. Holy Dog Crap!!! This article literally had me laughing out loud til’ I was crying! I was recently diagnosed with a large tumor; and have had a few weeks of blood tests, a CAT Scan, and ultra-sounds done. I have missed a lot of work- and am stuck at home having to listen to a Horrible Dog barking incessantly, for almost a week straight now.er calling property management, animal control, and putting police dept. in my contacts list on phone…I stumbled across this gem!
    OMG!!! This made my day! Hilarious!–but true!!! Never thought I’d laugh so hard again dealing with my circumstances! To ANYONE that read this article–and it made you laugh –PLEASE–forward to a person you know that is having a rough time, or going through some bad shit. You don’t even know–but it WILL make a BIG difference in their day!!!!
    –And Thank YOU! Mr. Danehy–for making me laugh so hard again—that my muscles hurt!
    It’s proof I AM still alive!!!!

  24. Tom,
    You are a garbage writer for a garbage newspaper. Congratulations. Tucson sucks and you and the Weekly are one good example why.
    Tom

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