I recently had the opportunity to coach a foreign-exchange student from Germany. The young lady’s name is Eva (no, really) and you pretty much knew she was from Germany before she even opened her mouth. Her grasp of English was quite good as long as she was being spoken to slowly and clearly. That’s why I talked really fast whenever I called her “Master Race.” She finally caught on and said, “Zat’s not funny any more.” So I switched to calling her The Girl From Brazil. (Even if she and her teammates heard what I was saying, they wouldn’t get the reference.)
Eva was taking a class in U.S. government and she asked me to help her understand the differences between the various political parties in the United States. I told her the following story.
A Republican, a Democrat, a Tea Party member and a Libertarian approach a four-way stop at the exact same time. After all have come to a stop, the Republican goes first, believing in his heart that he is in the right, both politically and morally. The Tea Party guy would go next because he really doesn’t give a crap about anybody else and he hates the fact that the Republican didn’t defer to him, as in most other cases. The Libertarian goes next, not angry with the other drivers but upset with the government intrusion into his life, what with installing stop signs and all. The Democrat goes last, fearful that the other drivers might be armed. She still wasn’t clear on it, so I gave her some more examples as to how the parties differ.
They include:
In dealing with the rapidly shrinking middle class in America, the proposed solutions would be:
• Democrats—Try to help poor people move up and help those currently in the middle class to at least maintain their position.
• Republicans—Make more rich people.
• Tea Party—Defund Obamacare.
• Libertarians—Legalize drugs.
In the matter of climate change:
• Democrats—Ban coal.
• Republicans—Ban science.
• Tea Party—We live in a cave where the temperature is always the same.
• Libertarians—Mother Nature is a saucy wench; leave her be.
If we just got our butts whupped in the last election, the best strategy going forward would be:
• Republicans—Just pretend the election didn’t happen.
• Libertarians—We’ve never won anything, so let’s just arm people and give them lots of drugs.
• Tea Party—Double down on the toxic agenda that most Americans find completely repugnant and, at the same time, try to rid the Republican Party of people who have a chance of winning a general election.
• Democrats—We won, so we should now find a way to be complacent and incompetent at the same time.
People in this country illegally are looked upon as:
• Democrats—Future voters.
• Republicans—Future gardeners and landscapers.
• Tea Party—Current commie invaders.
• Libertarians—A potential source of soon-to-be-legal drugs.
Favorite McCarthy:
• Democrats—Eugene. He ran such a spirited campaign until his anti-Vietnam War dinghy was swamped by the wake of the Bobby Kennedy speedboat. But we all know how that turned out.
• Tea Party—Anti-science moron Jenny. In this day and age, the most dangerous person on the planet is the suburban parent who is sorta informed. Vaccines DO NOT cause autism and while parents have the right (given to them by the anti-science idiots in the Arizona Legislature) to opt out of vaccinations, they should not have the right to send their ticking-time-bomb germ factories to school with normal children.
• Libertarians—Charlie. Many Libertarians believe that Charlie McCarthy was the half-brother of Candice Bergen.
• Republicans—Joe. Right-wing politi-skank Ann Coulter has been quoted as saying that Joe McCarthy saved America. From what, exactly? Free speech? It has never been against the law to be a communist in the United States, nor should it be. It’s just stupid, but if stupid was against the law, our prisons would be full of people who drive monster trucks, root for the Cowboys or listen to Lana Del Rey.
The treaty with Iran:
• Democrats—A cautious first step in a pragmatic approach to a problem that has helped make most Americans grow weary of being in constant run-up-to-war mode.
• Libertarians—After much spirited debate at our party conventions (generally held at Red Roof Inns during the offseason), we have come to acknowledge that other countries exist. That doesn’t mean that we have to talk to them.
• Republicans—Treason.
• Tea Party—TREASON!!
Eva got an A-minus on the paper. I think her teacher was a Whig.
This article appears in Dec 12-18, 2013.
Was ist los mit du?
Too bad you filled her mind with a lot of misconceptions. The party of the rich is the Democrats, the richest party in DC and those who have done the most to make themselves and contributors wealthier. The party that drove the end of slavery and the Civil Rights Amendment was the Republican party. LBJ sided with the Republicans and proceeded to twist the Southern Democrats arms until they conceded only because it was to be JFK’s legacy. It is too bad the liberal arm of the US continues to rewrite history to make themselves look good. But when you look at the historical documents, you will find it has been the Democrats who have been the villains for the last century and a half. Too bad I will receive tons of thumbs down from the kool-aid drinkers among you.
You called a student from Germany “Master Race”!!?? What an insult. Typical stupid American response. How would you feel if she called you Untermensch.
Nam6870vet: Buffalo bagels. In 1980, Reagan and his cronies simply did away with an economic system that had served us well, and was responsible for all the greatness we had thus far laid claim to, and replaced it with a pyramid scheme. They knew the enormity of what they had done. They knew it wasn’t sustainable. They didn’t care. They still don’t. He who dies with the most wins, right? Now the 1% feeds us table scraps, and tells us we’d be better served by making sure they get better meals. And Tom, things like the “master race” remark are the reason people came up with the term “ugly American”.
Master race !!?? Very civil,Tommy. Very civil. Nam6870vet, don’t let the thumbs downs get to you. You’re talking to the heavy weight champ of dislikes. Consider it an honor that you’re annoying these clueless liberals. Buffalo bagels?
Signed up yet, Tommy ?
CW13, I don’t let the narrow minded bother me too much. I used to be that way. I had a mentor tell me in order to broaden my mind and see different sides of subjects, I should read, specifically the books folks told me not to read. I found by reading a wide variety of material, liberal, conservative and everything I could get my hands in, I learned to tell the difference between what folks want you to believe and the facts.
One of my favorite quotes came from a very strong Democrat, D.P. Moynihan “You’re entitled o your own opinion, but not your own facts.”
It is very sad so many of his own party cannot grasp the logic and simplicity of the statement.
Tom, one final thought before I close out. If you believe the Tea Partiers are guilty of treason, maybe you should settle in with a copy of the Constitution. Once finished you will discover the only party guilty of treason is the Democratic Party and its blatant disregard for the Constitution they swore to protect, defend and uphold. The majority of Tea Partiers want us to return to the founding document rather than continue down the path to socialism. I have always found you an interesting read, even though I continue to disagree with your very narrow perspective on the world and politics in general. A man of your education and experience should be better rounded in you opinions. Just because a conservative says something, doesn’t make it wrong and the same goes the other way, just because a liberal says something doesn’t make them correct. Reality is both sides have their agendas and are fairly much in lockstep. We need some thinkers and folks who will represent their constituents rather than the lobbyists and donors. I became an Independent voter because both major parties continue to say one thing and do another. The Tea Party representatives went to DC to return us to the Constitution and became entrapped in the same political jungle that has existed for longer than either of us can remember. When your fair haired folks, Obama, Pelosi and Reid, publically state over and over again that they will not negotiate or compromise, they become the obstructionists.
nam6870vet made more sense in one comment than Pulitzer Tommy has made in years of so called columns. And already he’s racking up the dislikes. That’s because you leftists hate facts. Keep up the good work my friend and thank you for your service to our country. I’ll bet that most of the readers have no idea what you name stands for. Guys like you make me proud to be the right-winger that I am. There’s a reason we’re called the RIGHT.
Dear nam6870vet, Tom did not say Tea partiers were guilty of Treason. He said that they believe a treaty with Iran would be Treason. Try reading it more carefully before you get your panties in a bunch.
Panties in a bunch? Another civil liberal. Hope this doesn’t get your boxers in a bunch.
jlm713, the implication for both the Republicans and Tea Party is treason. Meanwhile the consistent comments how great the Democrats are and how bad everyone else tells the entire story of Tom’s narrow-mindedness and bigotry. If Tom were to remove his head from his ass and read something other than the DNC and White House talking points, he may have a chance at making an informed statement. As with the rest of the “liberal lemmings” they are afraid to do any research because they would discover how wrong they have been for many years.
LouisWoo, you may want to read something other than the revisionists’ history and look at facts, your ignorance of the FACTS is appalling.
FACTS… a wooden stake in the heart of liberalism.
with the abandonment of science, logic and reason in the republican and tea party platform, I find the irony in your statement(s) supremely amusing.
They want their Mayberry back. Problem is, for most it never existed. It was a fantasy reserved for those with the right income and skin color. Over the years, this bubble has been getting smaller and smaller, but unfortunately stronger. It will eventually fall under it’s own weight, but not without doing this nation serious harm first. They’ve already made us painfully aware that they’d rather see this country burn, than be wrong. It will eventually die a natural death. But some things are never dead enough.
How pitiful. Making fun of a young german for something done by a madman 75 years ago is much like continuing the racism and slavery towards blacks. What were you thinking?
95 dislikes between me and namvet. Not a bad weeks work. Does my heart good.
RU NUTZ?
In dealing with the rapidly shrinking middle class in America, the proposed solutions would be:
• Democrats—Try to help poor people move up and help those currently in the middle class to at least maintain their position.
I’m in the lower middle class, and the democrats haven’t lifted a finger ( except for the middle one ) to help me. They AND the Republicans ( whoever the hell is in power ) have just taxed the hell outta my ass, and blown the money on ways and means of securing their oppressive domain.
Libertarians should be in power, because at least I would be able to get high and laugh at this pathetic excuse for a government for the people by the people.