There must be a special place in hell for people who write catchy jingles. You know, those 10- or 15-second ditties that burrow their way into your brain like a Ceti eel larva, and—just like in The Wrath of Khan—wrap around your cerebral cortex and cause you intense pain.
Such is the case for a jingle that I hear on the car radio about 8,000 times a day. It’s for DUI lawyer Thomas Wilson. It’s got kind of a Bruno Mars, retro-soul feel to it and it’s catchy as all hell. I can’t get it out of my head.
The initial lyrics lay out what the commercial is about: When you need a lawyer who knows how to fight/ Let a Marine fight for you and do it right. Lame, but effective.
But then comes: If you’ve got a DUI and you need expertise/ To get you back on the street … .
I’m sorry, but if you’ve got a DUI (and you did it), I don’t want you back on the street. I want you sitting in a jail cell for a while, and maybe when you’re standing in the lunch line, getting winked at by a guy named Aryan Brother. Maybe then, the next time you’ve had too much to drink, you might think twice about getting behind the wheel.
I know, I know, I’m way too sensitive about this stuff. I mean, I’ve only lost a sister-in-law, a childhood friend and a college teammate to drunken drivers. That’s about average, right?
I know that people have the right to legal defense and I’m not suggesting otherwise. But that song is cruel and unusual. It won’t leave me alone. The only way to beat it is to drown it out with an even catchier jingle. So … hold the pickle, hold the lettuce… .
• We all know how much it would suck to be a lawyer. Can you imagine having to twist, dodge, mutilate and/or avoid the truth for a living? It would be like being a conservative talk-show host, only with a better wardrobe.
I just about gagged when I read the official statement released by Ka’Deem Carey’s attorneys, Ali Farhang and Maria Davila, after the Tucson City Attorney’s Office decided not to proceed with the case against the Wildcat running back over an alleged altercation involving Carey’s ex-girlfriend, who was pregnant when the incident occurred in December.
It reads: “We are very pleased with the City Attorney’s decision to unilaterally dismiss the charges against (Carey).” Excuse me, but how else are charges dropped, except unilaterally? Carey’s side didn’t have the option of dropping the charges.
But here’s the best part: “(Carey) did nothing wrong, and the City Attorney’s determination to drop the case is an acknowledgement of that fact.”
First off, based on the public statements that were made, we’re all fairly certain that he did do something wrong. There is a chance that his actions didn’t rise to the level of criminal activity. However, that’s like confusing “innocent” with “not guilty.” Lawyers use those two terms interchangeably all the time, when they certainly should know better.
What probably happened is that the City Attorney’s Office saw some inconsistencies in the stories and figured that it would be hard to get a conviction. Or maybe they just shrugged, figuring, all things considered, it wasn’t that big a deal. Whatever the case, dropping the charges does not instantly equate to “he did nothing wrong.”
The statement also said that Carey “thanks God for this correct outcome and extends his utmost gratitude to his family, friends, teammates and coaches … .”
How times have changed. Back in the day, friends, family members, teammates and coaches would have been lined up, ready to smack us upside our fat heads for having screwed up. Nowadays, an attorney tells us we did nothing wrong.
I enjoy watching Carey play football. He’s young and we all hope he learns from this. Still, it would have been nice to hear “I messed up. I put myself in a bad situation and I’ll try to do better in the future.” That would go a whole lot further than “my lawyers said I did nothing wrong.”
• Finally, this is a relatively minor point, but gee whiz, Arizona Daily Star! Where are your copy editors? I understand that people make mistakes—I made a doozy of one just last week—and I’m not just talking about misspelled words (although the Star did have a sports headline last week that read “Hellickson, homers hault streak”).
And yes, I double-checked to make sure I didn’t misspell “misspelled,” lest I be swept away by a tsunami of irony.
Just today, I noticed a Star sports story by The Associated Press in which “neither” was misused as plural. What really bothered me, however, was a series the paper ran contrasting different Wildcat sports figures. Each day, it would present two athletes who had worn the same number, highlight their respective careers, and then ask for a vote. Unfortunately, each day, there would be this big-ass headline on the top of the front page of the paper that read “Who wore it best?”
When it’s three or more, it’s “best.” When it’s only two, it’s “Who wore it better?” Are you going to tell me that nobody at the paper caught that? Come on!
This article appears in Jul 4-10, 2013.
I got a DUI. There are 50,000 DUI arrests in AZ every year, and over a million nationwide. DUI has overtaken marijuana arrests as the most common criminal charge, because it generates more revenue. I was asleep in my vehicle. No damage. No injury. I wasn’t even drunk. It ruined (ended) my career. I’ve been unemployable, since. The law I was arrested for and prosecuted by was signed by Brewer- who was herself arrested for DUI, after slamming into a truck on the 202, and having two stories (I only had two glasses of wine with lunch, and I only had a little Scotch with lunch), but who was for some unknown secret reason never prosecuted for her DUI. Now here we have TW, that advocates marijuana use for almost everything (a federal crime), wanting ‘get tough on drunk driver’ laws? Do you realize for example, that in Arizona, it’s a not only DUI, but a felony, to register ANY blood alcohol if you are driving anyone under 15 in your vehicle? I want to go to Applebees, for instance, and ask Grandma drinking her sole glass of wine with her grand children, if she’s aware of the frightful and life-altering risk she is taking?
The hypocrisy and ignorance of this article is just stunning. Somehow, someway, the insane conservatives are cooercing their enemies to decide their own fates.
By the way- since my own DUI, 9 Tucson police officers have also been arrested (and fired) for DUI and 4 of them also had additional drug charges filed against them. Also, I must note the arrest for DUI of the U of A Law School for DUI, to stay on point. His lawyer got him off, because he claimed: “In Arizona, it’s NOT illegal to drink and drive”.
Really?
Not to mention TW weekly posting banner ads for ‘five beers for $20’ at Hotel Congress, but also an ad for Sky Bar. Too sick of hypocrisy to comment on, otherwise.
Drinking and driving is against the law. Get it through your alcohol soaked brains people. Why shouldn’t there be ads for places selling alcohol? At some point people need to take responsibility for their actions and stop blaming the media or other people. I agree with the article Tom wrote and look forward to reading more about this issue. I am thrilled to see that TPD is enforcing the rules for it’s own, this means they are protecting us from drunk drivers. If you don’t like the laws in this state move somewhere else or shut up, we didn’t ask you to live here and believe it or not you do have a choice of where to live.
I more or less agree with Jan Rose’s comment but have to admit that I was thrilled that she misused “it’s,” as in “I am thrilled to see that TPDis enforcing the rules for it’s (sic) own…”
Which translated is “…enforcing the rules for ‘it is’ own…”
Petty of me, I know, but it drives me nearly crazy when I see what surely is one of the most common “spelling” errors.
(Along with misuse of “their, there, they’re,” of course.)
DUI enforcement is clearly out of control, part of the increasing political and law enforcement responses to victimization in our society. Mothers Against Drunk Driving and victim “rights” advocates energize self-serving politicians, District Attorneys and aggressive law enforcement departments and contribute to a growing police state in America. Local examples are DUI Sweeps, where citizens are stopped on public streets and asked if they have been drinking, tested and even blood tested without permission, and the embarrassing Sherriff of Phoenix. There must be a balance between protecting citizens and protecting the right to live free, between arresting a sleeping driver or unlucky grandmother and a dangerous alcoholic. The criminalization of an increasing number of Americans in the age of the computer ruins lives and, if not resisted, will end the American experiment of freedom.
I don’t know why you are so suprised by the Red Star. Any paper that keeps that fool Fitz on the payroll has to be run by illiterate morons.
Fritz rocks!
Frank, you’re spot on. I’ll add here for the pot heads that are so vocal about ‘drunk drivers’, while insisting that marijuana does NOT impair their own ability to drive: The only reason so many states have allowed medical marijuana (remember, it is STILL a federal crime!), is that at the same time they are crafting ways to arrest those people for DUI, by virtue of even having distant metabolites in their systems. They just haven’t fine tooled their equipment to the point of a hand held breathalzyer that will be able to detect those traces of marijuana- when that happens, the number of drug DUI’s is going to explode. And for the record, people- drunk driving has already become driving after drinking, because of the impaired to the slightest degree laws. One drink, you are as guilty as the person that may be drunk- you just haven’t been caught. YET. Be careful what you wish for…
I think you mean Fitz not Fritz, but what do I know, I’m just a dumb right-winger. For someone who is so adament about spelling you might start to pracrice what you preach. Instead of rocks how about should be stoned ?
Art: If you can explain why legitimate businesses can’t advertise their drink specials (or why we shouldn’t allow them to do so), I’d be interested to hear it. I manage to drink at those establishments without driving drunk, as do many others.
Or was my issue, actually- why TW accepts ads for bars, booze, and dope stores- all that lure people in and account for ever more DUI arrests (victimless, for the most part), while badmouthing a defense lawyer for advertising his services? I just left Applebee’s, BTW- at 3 tables there were adults (all were drinking) with children. All of them are going to drive their children home, commiting de facto DUI felonies. If you think you have to be drunk to get a DUI, you’re among the tragically misinformed majority. Like Nancy said- be careful what you wish for.
Art: There’s a distinct difference between the opinion of Danehy (or any of our opinion writers, really) and that of the Weekly as an organization. He doesn’t have any control over who we sell ads to (except in the sense that Wilson’s probably not buying one from us anytime soon) and I don’t tell him what to write.
Danehy is listed on your site as a ‘columnist’. It doesn’t indicate that he is a visitor, or a visting opiner, or even that his opinion may not gel with the political views of TW. I will assume that he smokes a lot of dope (and most likely feels it is just fine to drive stoned) based on what he writes about, and his oft times incoherent rantings. Maybe that is why, even more so in this ‘op ed’, that he simultaneously attacks not only the right of a defense laywer to advertise (maybe it’s because he’s not advertising in the TW?) his services, while telling us that ‘drunk drivers’ need to be jailed, and raped – but at the same time he rants about a prosecutor’s decision to dismiss criminal charges against another defendant? Where is this guy coming from? The right? The left? The HIGH? Does TW know what message you are trying to send, any longer? Maybe you all need to back off from the weed issue -again, a FEDERAL CRIME with consequences even worse than a DUI. And, Dan? Since you admit that you drive after drinking, let me tell you one more thing: I hope a DUI never happens to you. It ruined my life, like it will ruin a couple hundred more Tucson lives this weekend. The Puritanical hypocrisy of the (ever slowly shrinking and fading away) TW makes me want to puke.
“And, Dan? Since you admit that you drive after drinking, let me tell you one more thing: I hope a DUI never happens to you.”
I’m very sure Mr. Gibson is able to defend himself, but I just couldn’t let this one go. Not once did Dan say anything about driving after drinking at these establishments, he stated that he manages to drink at these establishments without driving drunk. It’s very possible that he manages to drink with a group that is responsible enough to designate a driver or he lives within walking distance of the establishments he frequents.
I can tell that Art is very passionate about this subject, but that shouldn’t make the attention to detail become obscured.
I can not stand the Thomas Wilson commercials.
Art: I’ve been on vacation, so I didn’t give your crazed rant the time it deserves. My apologies.
You have no idea what you’re talking about, but I applaud your zeal in doing so.
Cheers.