The other night, without permission from my subconscious and in direct violation of my 40-plus years of adherence to my marital vows, I think I was about to have mind sex with a succubus. This succubus (at the behest of Donald Trump’s new favorite doctor) came from Africa, but she/it didn’t look anything like Lupita Nyong’o or Iman, which would certainly help if one were in the succubus business.
At the last minute—not wanting to experience a spontaneous pregnancy or get all kinds of alien blood in my system—I snapped awake. I was suddenly fully and amazingly conscious. In the immortal words of Hedley Lamarr (Blazing Saddles, 1974), my mind was a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives…
Ditto!
Right then and there, I decided to undertake a quest. I am going to find the first person—let’s call him/her Douchebag Zero—to utter the least-productive phrase of all time: Defund the police. When I find this idiot, I am going to verbally pummel him/her about the head and neck.
There are several variations on a quote originally attributed to Napoleon, who is claimed to have said, “Never interfere with an enemy while he is in the process of destroying himself.” Donald Trump is in the process of burning down the entire Republican mansion and the brainless “Defund the Police” stooges are telling Trump’s sycophants where they can find the firehose.
Republicans have unsuccessfully tried to gain political traction by whining that Joe Biden won’t come out of his basement. If it were up to me, we’d build Biden a sub-basement and provide him with Netflix and Popeye’s Chicken until Nov. 3.
Along those same lines, wouldn’t it be great if the people in Portland would use that social media stuff and pull the greatest gag of all time? After 60-something straight nights of gathering to protest against racial injustice, they should all get together on social media and, one night, have nobody show up. Then Trump’s storm troopers could drive up in their unmarked SUVs and get out and throw tear gas at each other.
Other things that came into a deep clarity on my Succubus Sleepless Night include:
In a letter written to the daily paper, a former UA Law School teacher says that Joe Biden cheated while in law school. I’m sorry, but isn’t that like saying that a guy swam during his lifeguard training?
In his latest attempt to distract people from the consistently horrible news about the virus and the economy, Trump tweeted that America should postpone its upcoming election indefinitely until everybody can vote in person (except Black people and Democrats). In the tweet, he again claimed that there is a difference between voting by mail and voting by absentee ballot (which Trump and his truly-frightening press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, have both done). At most, that’s a distinction without a difference.
It’s like Richard Pryor, in his wino persona, would shout, “Hey, don’t you come down here makin’ all that racket! This is a neighborhood; this ain’t no residential district!”
Anyway, I think we should consider it. Donald Trump, Jr. (I always forget; is he the dumb son or the stupid one?) has said that the virus is going to disappear the day after Election Day.
According to the Constitution (remember that outdated thing?), only Congress can change the election date. But let’s say that they do. If there’s no election and the Electoral College doesn’t meet (why would they?), there’s one thing that wouldn’t change. On Jan. 20, Trump and Pence would both have to leave office. That would mean that the President would be … Nancy Pelosi.
U.S. Representative Louie Gohmert of Texas is a dumbass. In fact, it appears that “Gohmert” is Texan for “dumbass.” And if you stand out as a dumbass in Texas, you’re an industrial-strength dumbass.
Gohmert was about to have a big day. He was going to get to fly to Texas on Air Force One, accompanying Donald Trump on a fund-raising trip. Gohmert was giddy. He was going to get to sit all up close to Trump the entire trip, getting all giggly and stuff. But right before he got on the plane, he was found to have tested positive for COVID-19. So he had to stay at school while all the cool kids got to go on the field trip.
Gohmert was one of the handful of Maskless Morons in the House of Representatives, having chosen macho over mentality. (On the same day that Gohmert got the boot, former Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain, who had been at the sparsely attended Trump rally in Tulsa—without a mask—a few weeks back, died of the coronavirus.)
Anyway, Gohmert, trying to explain his positive test, said that he got the virus from his mask, which is the equivalent of saying, “I got sick from my own bad breath blowing back in my face.”
In response to a column I wrote a month ago, the Daily Star ran an article under the headline “Pancho Villa was a Hero.” In the article, the writer dismisses Villa’s slaughter of 80 people in the village of San Pedro De La Cueva by stating that “he regretted (it) the next day.”
Oh well, in that case, everything is OK. My bad. ■
This article appears in Aug 6-12, 2020.
Some responsible adult needs to intervene and get Danehy help!!!
Tom did say one thing I can agree with, senile old Biden should hide in the basement. Every time he tries to speak he makes a fool of himself.
Speaking of making a fool of themselves.
By the way they have reported that continuous use of marijuana can cause heart damage. To say nothing of brain damage.
Cleverly done Tom. Of course, over the heads of those who don’t already see this.
Dear Much Help Needed: As any of my primary school teachers would have said, “Who are ‘they’?” Without documentation from a credible source you are merely speaking like someone who went to private school where your father’s wealth determined whether you passed or not. Or so it seems with Trump.
Sorry MABEL it was Harvard Medical School. Trump had nothing to do with this.
Sorry I couldn’t find a credible source for you. Kind of like when Pres Obama said “if you like your doctor you can keep your doctor, and a family of four will be saving $2500 per year for healthcare.”
We should have waited for a credible source.
Regardless of the comments above, many of us just wait and hope for Joe Biden. Anxiously waiting for things to get back to normal.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i05gKtHWjGY
As a Boomer, I can only wish this will be the last presidential election with one of our cohorts leading a national ticket. Yes, I get it. Vote blue, no matter who. Check.
But really. We have a functionally illiterate president running for re-election challenged by a guy who is being sequestered and advised to stick with the script lest he begins rambling about disadvantaged families needing to listen to the radio more.
I can’t wait for the debates.
Yet another great article! Thanks Tom.
Medical professionals are lining up to tell their truths about the Covid lies just before the debate. Apparently the fatalities are so skewed and over reported that the real numbers are less than 50% of what the “so called science experts” are telling us. Same thing for the false positives. I expect Americans to be very angry. many, many Americans bought into the lies out of fear.
My bet is that Biden will be a no show for the debates. He will be home spinning records (33 1/3) on his phonograph.
We’re stuck with Joe Biden because this country is just too chicken shit sexist to try nominating a woman for a change. We’ve had plenty of qualified ones run.
But, I’d take a trained monkey over Trump.
I agree that “defund the police” is the worst possible line… it should be “reform the police”….
Although to be fair most folks had no trouble with defunding our education system… and defunding Planned Parenthood. Wouldn’t it be best if parenthood was always planned?
At the risk of sounding pedantic, it is an incubus not a succubus that troubles the innocent sleeper with sexual importunities. I don’t know if it is just the power of suggestion or what but lately my own dreams have taken an erotic turn and I’m thinking this might be incubus related. Then again my participation in these activities seems to be nothing less than wholehearted so who knows? Maybe I’m the incubus. I’ll leave that for science to figure out. Anyway I don’t need the malaria medicine just yet. I’ll just wait until I need glasses or something.