Danehy

Four years ago, just around this time of year, we were beset by the Pokemon Go craze, with people of all ages wandering through parks and malls (but, unfortunately, not onto busy freeways), cellphones in hand, trying to find invisible Pokemon characters to fight.

Today, in a call to action, we need that same intrepid army to get out there and try to find even the slightest evidence of guts, timber, grit, testicular capacity, nerve, estrogen, backbone, spirit, stones, fearlessness and/or courage that can be traced to the three majority members of the Pima County Board of Supervisors. In one of the lamest political moves in recent or even distant memory, the three Democrats who control the board, in response to the massive spike in Coronavirus cases, voted to make mask-wearing mandatory in Pima County.

And then they added that there will be no penalty if you don’t comply. You’re freakin’ kidding me! They should hire themselves out to kids’ parties because, suddenly, they’re the three biggest clowns in Southern Arizona.

What’s next? The speed limit around schools that are in session is 15 miles per hour. But if you’re pathetic sensibilities are offended, you can drive 100. And if you get pulled over, Ramon Valadez will ask you nicely not to do that again.

During the pandemic of 1918 (the horribly misnamed “Spanish Flu”), there was a time where it was mandatory for residents of Phoenix to wear a mask whenever they were outdoors. The fine for a violation was $100! (That’s around $1,500 in today’s money.) Today, in Pima County, it’s mandatory to wear a mask when you’re outside around other people. The penalty? You might get a mean look from someone who actually gives a crap about other human beings.

All that Arizona Gov. Doug Ducey needs is a gap in his teeth and a T-shirt that reads “What, Me Worry?” He denied the facts and dodged the truth for as long as he could hold out before finally giving in to demands by Tucson Mayor Regina Romero and others to give cities the right to make decisions that are in the best interest of their citizens. There’s no way that Ducey would have mandated the wearing of masks what with his spiritual guru, Trump, coming to town again. So, just as Trump shirked his responsibility by dumping the COVID mess on the states, Pontius Ducey is washing his hands of it and throwing it out to the cities.

I have to be honest here: If it were just me and the virus, I wouldn’t wear a mask. I have zero fear of contracting it (or maybe I already have). I’ve always been annoyed by people who utter the phrase, “I never get sick.” But, seriously, I almost never get sick. To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never had the flu (either that or it was so mild, I didn’t notice). Weird fact: I’ve never thrown up. Not once. Ever.

That’s not because of any great thing I’ve done to take care of myself. It’s just the lucky draw of genetics. I’m just blessed with a strong immune system and a cast-iron stomach. (I also don’t drink or smoke or use drugs, which probably helps.)

But it’s not about just me and the virus. Unlike the morons who gathered by the state capitol a few weeks ago, screaming for Ducey to open the state’s economy, I actually care about other people. I’ve actually read the Constitution. Nowhere in that document does it say that I have the right to make other people sick. And that’s what it comes down to. Despite all the crowing about the Constitution and liberty, they just don’t get it. Plus, if you asked one of those guys to spell “liberty,” they’d probably put a “6” in it.

When most of us were taught about personal liberty, we were given the example that a person has the right to swing his arm around, but that right stops at someone else’s chin. And that’s what we’re dealing with here. You have the right to breathe free; you don’t have the right to spew your nasty, diseased breath on people.

I went to the Fry’s up on Tangerine today. The vast majority of people were wearing masks. Some people weren’t. They’re the bold ones, the ones who don’t give a sh-t about anybody else, the ones who are going to see to it that this thing drags on far longer than it should have.

Standing in the line to check out, I was looking at the people who weren’t wearing masks (even though Sharon Bronson had told them to!). There was no discernible pattern. Directly in front of me was a young couple—late teens, no masks. The guy turned around and looked at me and stifled a chuckle. (That doesn’t bother me. Being incredibly unattractive, with the mask on, I probably look like Darth Vader when they took his helmet off. Plus, I’ve got a raggedy mask.)

He saw that I saw him staring at me and so he said, “Nice mask.”

I responded with the greatest of all two-word comebacks, the one that cannot be printed herein.

Taken aback, he said, “You probably hope I get the virus, huh?”

I said, “No. I hope you give her the virus.”

This article appears in Jun 25 – Jul 1, 2020.