To Your Excellency, the Most Rev. Gerald Kicanis, Bishop of Archdiocese of Tucson:
I have a question for God, but I thought I’d run it by you first. I have to be careful how I word it, because I don’t want God to think I’m trying to strike a deal with Him. When I was young, I went to a friend’s black church. The preacher shouted, “God don’t negotiate!” (I was going to raise my hand and correct his grammar, but he was on a roll. In retrospect, it was probably better that I didn’t.) But he made his point.
My family and I went to church on Easter Sunday a few weeks back. I thought I’d be over it by now, but I’m not. I’ve been a Catholic a long time, and I understand that there are lots of people who only go to church on Christmas and Easter. That’s better than nothing. My parish pastor even made a point of welcoming them during his sermon. That’s fine; I’m not holier than anybody.
Before I forget, is it a sin to fantasize about stuff during Mass? Not that; something else. Every time the guy at our Mass starts to strum his guitar and sing, I dream that I’m John Belushi in Animal House. I’m standing on the stairs, and I grab the guitar from Stephen Bishop (no relation) and smash it against the wall. That can’t possibly be a sin, right?
If the guy who sings (and sings and sings) at our Mass were a Native American, his name would be Guy Who Turns Two Words (Alleluia, Alleluia) Into Five Verses and Four Choruses. And, Bishop, if you happen to know that guy, please tell him to stop trying to get me to sing. I don’t like to sing. I stink at singing. When I try to sing, my voice sounds like a moose that’s gargling Drano.
Anyway, I usually go to Mass on Saturday evening, because I work on Sundays. But, as you know, there’s no evening Mass on Holy Saturday because of that whole resurrection thing. (This is like an industrial-strength example of preaching to the choir.)
So my family and I went to Mass later in the day on Easter, hoping to get a more-experienced crowd. No such luck. You remember how, in the old days, you’d show up for Mass 10 to 15 minutes early, and you’d sit there and meditate or pray or reflect or whatever? We showed up early to get our regular seats and then watched in horror as the church filled up.
First off, since when did Easter dresses go slutty? It’s really embarrassing. I saw one teenage girl walk in, looking exactly like Snooki. If you don’t know who Snooki is, she’s on this TV show about some (illiterate) fallen angels who live on the Jersey Shore. I’ve never actually seen the show, but with what passes for celebrity these days, she’s everywhere. And if she keeps eating those pork rinds, she’s going to be everywhere plus an extra three feet on either side.
Then, at least 30 people ambled into church, texting as they walked. Can’t God just smite one of ’em as a lesson? Just one.
Finally, as I was trying to reflect (or whatever), I realized that there was a steady drone of conversation throughout the church, and it was loud! It sounded like the start of Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On?” I kept expecting to hear, “Solid, man. Everything’s everything.”
I thought to myself, “Holy cow (in a non-sacrilegious way), I’m going to church with the Clampetts!”
They kept on coming and coming, although about 15 minutes into the Mass, the stream of arrivers slowed to a trickle of only a couple dozen per minute. That reminds me: You know how the church gets really full on Christmas and Easter, and then the priest gets up and asks everybody to squeeze together so that the people who got there late can sit on the aisles? Is that some kind of test, because, if it is, I fail miserably. I get there early so I don’t have to sit in the middle. Why do I have to scoot over just because Jethro took too long getting out of the cee-ment pond?
Most people had stopped texting by the time the sermon started, although some of them still had their phones in their hands. I think they were gauging whether it would be possible to use their phones to peg the Guitar Guy.
My question is this: Can those of us who go to church the other 50 weeks of the year skip Easter and Christmas—like, maybe get a note from you saying that it’s OK? I know that Easter is the holiest day of the year, but it gets kinda frustrating.
I really like going to Mass on Christmas and Easter. Maybe you could have a special secret Mass for the regulars. We could be like the Stonecutters on The Simpsons, the ones who know that the real emergency number is 9-1-2.
My wife went to the Vatican last year. I was going to have her ask the pope that question, so then I wouldn’t need to bother God with it.
By the way, do you think it’s a good idea to tell a German that he’s infallible?
Respectfully, Tom
This article appears in May 12-18, 2011.
St Paul had the same problem with people not worshipping the way he did. He would have been aghast at the way the roman mass is performed and the whole “going to mass every Sunday” thing happening today. But, he wasn’t a wage laborer who has to use part of his weekend to attend church. I used to attend the St. Pius X “hootenanny mass” on Sunday with guitarists and drummers and hanging planters at the alter and paisley print vestments. That’s what happens when laity literally takes over and turns the mass into a “hoedown”. That kind of nonsense drove me away from the church. I’d rather fry in hell for eternity than listen to one more drum solo in church.
Tom. Stop writing about your Catholicism. We know you go to Mass every week (you repeatedly remind us), without being holier than the next guy (that would be a sin, wouldn’t it?). We know that the great unwashed masses ruin your experience of the high holy days. You’ve written this column before. Several times, in fact. Write your letter to the bishop. Just don’t pass it off as your Weekly column. It was a bore the first time. Now it’s insufferable.
Frankly, I don’t know how Tom Danehy nails it EVERY SINGLE week. I don’t agree with a lot of stuff (the whole school thing, for example….I think we throw our money at the system and since it doesn’t ‘trickle’ down as it should, throwing more at it is just inexcusable..but another comment for another day), but when I write ‘nails’ it – he is funny, he is literate, he is brilliant and I look for his commentary every week in a paper previously not even picked up for FREE. Tom, keep it up. Your writing is a perfect start to a day and a perfect way to almost end the week!
About the slutty attire – Amen, Tom! If you’d like to take that a step further, or in a different direction, attend some local school’s end of year children’s performance. Now, this is a school event with a lot of young children there, young impressionable children. (Hey! I remember when I was in first and second grade, if some hoochie mama walked in showing off her chest, I was all stares and mouth agape, and I’m not a perv, just a guy). So, we (my girl friend and I, who is a nice girl from Minnesota – she could be an extra on “Prairie Home Companion,”) take in Fine Arts night at a local school. Fine Arts? Some of the women there with all the overhang, underhang and side-hang and jiggle looked like they were posing for “Nude Descending A Staircase,” except it was not at all abstract, it was blatant. My girl friend didn’t say a word until we were leaving and back in the car out of the ear shot of the hoi poloi, and she says, “So what was that? Take your tits and tats to school night?” Yeah, I know I’m way old and very 20th Century, but when you’re somebody’s mother you’re not supposed to dress like a hooker at a public school event. Or are sluts at school another thing that’s the fault of the teacher?! But that’s another conversation. Keep up the good work, Tom. Keep those rants coming!
Tom, you will be happy to know that I wasn’t there. I don’t go, even on easter. And I suspect we are BOTH happier about it.
I still haven’t become used to people putting money in the collection basket and then taking change from it. Or… at Sacred Heart, running over the little old lady bringing in food for the food bank because they were running late and wanted to park near the front. This is progress?
When you write something as brilliant as this, can’t you please preface or conclude it with “All church secretaries are hereby given permission to reprint this in their Sunday bulletins, as long as they don’t change a word!” As a church musician I know many, many churches in Tucson and I don’t know of a single one for which this does not apply perfectly!
Oh, please… a church is a building and nothing more – someplace that a god would most certainly avoid. Sundays are for brunch and mimosas.
Kudos Tom!
I enjoyed your article. I used to see such behavior at other churches. Our son is the Altar Server for the Saturday Afternoon Mass at San Xavier. Many of the people who go are long time regulars and you don’t see any of what you’ve described. They are respectful of the church and the priests that conduct the Mass. More than once, the priest leading the service has stopped what he is doing and asked that a ringing cell phone be turned off or the owner step outside. Maybe next time you and your family should come and attend the Mass on a Saturday.
Xochi
It’s called the Birth and Resurrection Society. They meet twice a year.
Amen on people texting in church, and the women who think letting it all hang out is appropriate for any service in any church.