Now that the temperature has finally dipped below 90 degrees (and a pox on the TV weather people who ooh-ed and ahh-ed their way through the once-in-a-century Thanksgiving heat wave like it was a freakin’ fireworks display), we’re in the holiday season, and some of my thoughts are turning to the plights of my fellow man. Among them:
• A Guy I Actually Sorta Feel Sorry For: Jeff Flake. Seriously, just imagine that you’ve spent your entire life doing things the right way (or, at the very least, doing things in what you consider to be the right way). He was born in Snowflake, which is half-named for his great-great-grandfather. (Yes, the other founder was named Snow, so if the one guy had been really stubborn, we could have a Mormon enclave in the White Mountains named Flakesnow.)
He grew up strong and proper, went to church, played ball, and got good grades. He made his LDS hajj to Brigham Young University, then went off on a Mormon mission to South Africa and Zimbabwe. (I wonder if Flake has ever snuck into a showing of The Book of Mormon, which is about two LDS missionaries in Uganda.) He even speaks Afrikaans, which means that he can sound like that embassy worker in Lethal Weapon 2 who, when told that Danny Glover’s character wants to emigrate to apartheid South Africa, says, “But…but, you’re bleck!” (After which, Joe Pesci nods and says, “You are, you know.”)
Anyway, Flake eventually graduated from BYU, married his college sweetheart and started a family. He greatly admired Barry Goldwater, the Arizona political icon who hit the Infamy Daily Double in 1964 by taking a historic presidential ass-whuppin’ at the hands of Lyndon Johnson and joining with the Southern Racist Bloc in voting against the Civil Rights Act.
Flake even became, for a time, the head of the Goldwater Institute, a right-wing group that used to have a philosophy but is now just a cabal of money-grabbers and teacher haters. He eventually found a gerrymandered congressional district and began his political career in earnest.
He worked on his political chops like they were guitar licks. He embraced his blues side like Jeff Beck; he mastered chords like The Edge; he even worked on bending the guitar neck like Stevie Ray Vaughan. If his time ever came, he had to be ready.
And then, suddenly, unexpectedly and inexplicably, came the election of 2016. The Republicans were going to hold a majority in the House and the Senate, and they would also have the White House. Flake’s time had come. He would soon be driving the rhythm for a Hall of Fame band like The Eagles or maybe showing off his funk chops with Earth, Wind and Fire. Life was about to get real good.
Instead, he shows up for the gig and the only band that’s there is a lounge act from the local Holiday Inn, one that plays covers of covers, losing 20 percent of the quality with each iteration. They can’t do any originals, and the players are barely functional on their instruments. They know the words to the songs, but they can’t really sing. And their leader is a bad Elvis impersonator with the white suit (to show off his racial preference), the big gut and a head that looks like an alien life form just fell out of the sky and plopped down.
Flake, who had spent his entire life getting ready for his Shot, realized that his dream band no longer existed. Over time, they had gone from Muddy Waters to Led Zeppelin to Def Leppard to…Ted Cruz. He has to be seriously bummed.
But he’s still young (he turns 55 on New Year’s Eve). Maybe real conservatism will make a comeback in his lifetime. He’s going to have a hard time in the near future seeing as how the majority of Republicans in Arizona have lost their damn minds and have pledged their undying love and supply of bodily fluids to the Elvis Impersonator.
• A Guy You Might Think I Should Feel A Little Bit Sorry For, But I Really Don’t: Coach Sean Miller. So, you lost three straight games? Big whoop! It happens. Well, it’s never happened to me, but I just coach high-school girls. Some people might think that that would be harder than coaching five-star athletes, but I’m not so sure.
The problem for Miller is twofold. First off, he’s got a bunch of players who, from the time they were 10 years old, have had their butts wiped by adults who really should know better. They’ve played on travel teams named Elite and Stars and Ballaz. Not one of them could guard a chair with a gun, though. Defense is for lesser beings.
Coach Miller, my teams always played man-to-man until, one year, I had a squad with only six players. We had to go zone to stay out of foul trouble. You should try it. Maybe your guys would end up close enough to their opponents to actually get into foul trouble. That would be a welcome change.
This article appears in Dec 7-13, 2017.
Al Franken just resigned and helped MAGA. Trump is letting these guys drain their own swamp creatures. How great is this?
Love it !!
Nicely done, another liberal rant sprinkled with name calling. YAWN, again
Flake liked to have it both ways. In words and print, see his NY Times Opinion piece about his father’s passing and the gentleman the family hired as a ranch hand, who eventually became part of the family. Touching story…Most likely this was an undocumented person. Flake almost seemed like he cared for the ranch hand. He seemed fair, intelligent, and sane in these current political times. But simply look at his voting record. He sides with our baby president over 90 percent of the time. Good riddance.
Also, although I am more liberal than most, good riddance to Al Franken. He screwed up…just like our baby president. Both need to be replaced by new blood who act on ethics, morals, and truth. Clean house and senate of liars, and greedy corporate !*#*suckers, whose only interest is lining their pockets with money. I don’t even want to discuss Roy Moore, the pediphille who has the cojones to invoke the bible as rationale for his sins!
Franken should not have resigned. He was a champion for women’s rights. The women that complained were probably paid by Trump to say it. And so what if a couple got their feelings hurt. We let Bill Clinton get away with it because the economy was doing so good, and our party agreed. And now the conservative democrats have turned against him. Stay strong Mr Franken, We can make you an Ambassador to Saudi Arabia once we dump Trump. Or maybe even Libya.
Are you serious ??
Politics is a virus that attacks everyone who engages in it. It attacks the patient’s integrity, ethics, and morality genes and destroys them, replacing them with an insatiable hunger for money and power. Its reservoirs are House and Senate chambers, Governors’ offices, Regulatory agency Administrators’ offices, and so forth. After infection, which can happen even before the politician takes the oath of office, there is a short period of incubation during which the patient expresses what will be the last expressions of integrity, humanity, and reason every to exit his or her mouth.
After the disease is in full progress, signs and symptoms appear such as serial lying, truth-bending, an insatiable lust for money and those who have it and want to control politics, complete loss of conscience, abandonment of common sense, the inability to feel empathy for those with less money than their donors, and myriad other signs and symptoms.
The only cure is removal from office.
Yes, Mr Gandy, politics has become viral, a bacteria, a cancer on our culture. Yet there is a need for some type of governance. We must look out for the underdog. Regulations are necessary for clean air and water, and other basic needs like homeland security, and something as basic as garbage pick up. What ever happened to the notion of term limits? Why do we let the lobby’s influence dominate? Why do corporations get what they want when a working stiff, works harder if he/she has a job, for less? And his/her taxes are about to increase, while their salaries or hourly wages will not increase.
….A new system has to be investigated. This country is becoming a resort for the 1%, white elite.
I am dreaming, I know, but it’s time to clean the slate, and start over so that the other 99% can get theirs.
I knew it. Sooner or later it is about skin color. How sad that you steal from hard working successful non whites the ability to take personal credits for their accomplishments.
Allen,
I’ve stolen nothing, from anyone.
By working stiff, I mean white working stiffs, black working stiffs, any working stiff that is not part of the corporate 1% wealthy that are often paying less income tax dollars than the rest of us. The rest of us whites, and other 99 percenters. Corporations in this country are generally made up of whites. There are exceptions, but show me. It’s not about skin color at all. It’s about the power to earn a buck, and keep a good percentage of that dollar. Baby president has made it so corporations regardless of their dominant color, are going to pay less in taxes than working stiffs, regardless of their color.
What about the Republican rant over the previous 8 years of the deficit? You don’t hear any Republican ranting about the deficit that this tax “plan” will bring. I don’t believe the Republicans are the only cocksuckers in the lobby’s pockets, the Democrats are equally repugnant.
“Lifelong Democrat” sucker punched you progressives and you fell for it. Read it again and you will find that you are sexist and only care about your own gains. So you are really the 1%ers. LOL
Wayne Olson sucker punches himself with each stupid comment posted. Night in the Ruts even.