Dear Mexican: A young California high school boy of Latino heritage asked me why did us whities stole California from Mexico? I asked him who told him that, and he said his father. I told him we purchased California from Mexico, via the treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the opportunity to discuss the history or the details of the transaction with him. Is common for Hispanics to think California was stolen? If so, then, that makes them appear very uneducated about their so-called homeland…don’t you think?

—Retired Teacher

Dear Gabacho: Wow, so many babadas to unpack here! First off, pick: Hispanic? Latino? Those terms ain’t interchangeable. Really, you mean “Mexican”—say our name, pendejo. Most importantly, the U.S. “purchased” California and the rest of Aztlán from Mexico the way the U.S. “purchased” Georgia from the Cherokees. Mexicans see the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo for what it is: a purchase done down the barrel of the Mexican-American War. And it wasn’t just us: Abraham Lincoln opposed it while a congressman, Ulysses S. Grant described it years later as “one of the most unjust ever waged by a stronger against a weaker nation. It was an instance of a republic following the bad example of European monarchies, in not considering justice in their desire to acquire additional territory”—and all those guys did was save the Republic, you know? And even if we play your Manifest Destiny game, the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo was still thievery: it didn’t respect the land rights of the conquered Mexicans, therefore allowing a bunch of Pikers to murder and pillage and rob Mexicans of their lands under the threat of marrying their daughters. “Uneducated about their so-called homeland?” That’s you and your fellow gabachos, pendejo.

Why is it that mid-30s Mexican heinas let their bush go all out? And they get mad ’cause you ain’t eatin’ them?

—I Won’t Make a Pink Taco Joke, Promise

Dear Pocho: Bruh, you’ve watched too much porn—you really think expecting women to have no pubic hair so they can look like a prepubescent is healthy? That’s pedophile territory right there—I should call To Catch a Predator on you. If the mexicanas you bed are au natural, it’s because they’re in touch with Panochamama and rightfully have no shame with what God granted them. As for the second pregunta—I actually answered it a decade ago, with me reporting then that “a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at one point in their life.” Now comes the 2010 results from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Health and Nutrition Examination Survey, which found that 84.6 percent of Latino males reported performing oral sex…but only 72 percent of Mexican-Americans did the deed. And we wonder why so many of our mujeres leave us for gabachos and Salvadorans…

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!

THE MEXICAN NEEDS AN EDITOR!: Last week, I tweeted about the horrific assault on Leslie Jones’ website and tried to use the hacker obsession with Harambe as a punchline. People took it as me comparing the actress to an ape, which shows I REALLY need an editor. The tweet pissed off and hurt good folks—I’ve owed up to my pendejada, and will continue to do so. This column has slammed raza for our inherent anti-blackness almost from the start, and we need black and brown solidarity now more than ever in this era of Trump—and definitely don’t need a weak-salsa satirist fucking shit up.

This article appears in Sep 1-7, 2016.

8 replies on “Ask a Mexican”

  1. I “get it” that white people of Northern European ancestry ripped off California, New Mexico, Arizona, Texas, Colorado, etc. from the indigenous, and from Mexico.

    What about the white people of Southern European Ancestry who ripped off Mexico, Central America and South America from the indigenous?

    Of course I’m talking about Spain and Portugal.

    The entire story of white domination over the indigenous in the Americas is disgraceful!

  3. Mexico possessed California for about 30 years after they took it from Spain by force. They had little or no settlement there. Of course Spain stole it from the native people who stole it from the native people who got there before them who stole it from the Mastodons.
    Mexico has less claim to California than any of the above, including the Mastodons. The U.S. has possessed California for about 165 years and developed it to such a point that, if it were a nation, it would be the world’s 6th largest economy. Mexico would then be 16th.

  4. The proper answer to “Why did whites steal California from Mexico?” is, “…because they could.” The history of the entire human race is one of territorial land grabs, invasion, empire building, dubious purchases, genocide, and plain old “I was here first” exploration. It has ever been thus. Sour grapes over what “used to be Mexico” is simply losers weepers. If land grabs are immoral, then the entire concept of being a “nation” is immoral. The solution is to stop crying over spilt milk, take pride in your country and maybe, one day, if your nation grows big and strong enough, you’ll be able to grab the land back. I guarantee that nobody is just going to give it to you because you called dibs first.

  5. Land belongs to those who are strong enough to TAKE it and KEEP it.

    If you don’t believe me, go ask the ancestors of the indigenous pre columbians who used to inhabit the Americas.

  6. Mexico IS getting back the Southwest (Aztlan) one illegal at a time. Power doesn’t come through force alone but through time and careful planning. If any, it looks like Mexicans learned something right out of the history books before the time of the Alamo when Mexico let Anglo settlers move into Texas. As soon as Mexico saw a big number of Anglos moving into the lands they pulled the red flag and tried halting Anglo immigration towards Texas. However, it was too late and Anglo settlers outnumbered the local Mexican. The thing is that Mexico has found an unlikely ally in the form of the Democratic party to get their agenda going.

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