Dear Mexican: I live in a little village in England in a house
that’s 200 years old, just down the hill from a tiny church that’s so
old, it was actually built before God said, “Let there be light,” thus
proving that Stephen Hawking is a blowhard. The only industry around
here, apart from digging potatoes and interfering with cows, is the
cement factory, and that has been taken over by Mexicans. It used to be
Rugby Cement, and now it’s CEMEX.

Not much changes around here, and people don’t much like change,
but there was an expectation that the new management would liven the
neighbourhood up—that mariachi bands would stroll the streets,
that burros would appear ridden by sleeping guys in sombreros, that the
night’s quiet would be split by the thrumming of guitars and the
crackle of brisk exchanges of gunfire as executives settled their
budgets for the new financial year.

None of this has come to pass. In fact, no Mexicans have been
seen in the village at all, despite the village pub having legendary
chili nights. Is CEMEX an illusion, a mere corporate fiction that is
actually run from Lichtenstein with Arab oil-money? Or are the Mexican
managers all brujos who can make themselves invisible by
drinking concoctions of jalapeños, tequila and dried armadillo
brains from scooped-out human skulls? Toodle-pip, old chap!

Baron Botolpho Winkletje van der Griezels

Dear Limey: Isn’t it great that the Reconquista is now global, and
that American stereotypes of Mexicans easily crossed the pond? And
don’t think this Mexican has forgiven Genesis for their
pendejada of a video for their song “Illegal Alien.”

But, yes: CEMEX (a syllabic abbreviation of the company’s original
name, Cementos Mexicanos) is one of the world’s largest cement
companies, born and headquartered in the city of Monterrey (whose
natives are as notoriously stingy as your Scots). Other Mexican
corporations with worldwide reach include Grupo Bimbo (bread makers),
Televisa (creators of telenovelas) and the Mexican Nalga
Fund.

Why do white Americans buy into this Reconquista bullshit? I
believe these babosos talk about it more than Mexicans
do—I have yet to meet a Mexican that is part of this “movement.”
Every Mexican I know has come to America to work, seek a better life
and buy a Chevy Tahoe or Suburban—that’s it. I guarantee you that
if any white American actually spoke to a Mexican and asked him about
the Reconquista, the Mexican would respond, “¿Que que?” I
was born and raised in San Antonio, served my lovely country in the
U.S. Army (2003-2008) and now live as a disabled vet in Denver. My
parents were from Zacatecas and Jalisco. I asked them about the
Reconquista and got the same response from both of them: “Dejate de
pendejadas.”

So, gabachos, when you come to ¡Ask a Mexican! to
ask stupid questions, consider this: Most immigrants go through shit
and high water to come to America. Why would they even want to reclaim
the Southwest back for Mexico? You think they would want to travel an
additional 800 miles to come to America? As a child, I have been to
Mexico on family trips, and let me tell you: I would not want to live
there. We Mexicans grow attached to the American way really
quick.

But back to my original question: Why do gabachos buy into
this anti-Mexican bullshit when they have way bigger things to worry
about?

El Sargento

Dear Sargeant: Primeramente, gracias for your service.
Secondly, to our Know Nothing audience: Cut out this letter; staple it
to your foreheads without anesthesia; and get it through your thick
heads that this is the reality of the
Reconquista—especially the Suburban part.

Why do they believe this, Sargento? Por pendejos.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and remember to add serranos to your
stuffing!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net,
myspace.com/ocwab or facebook.com/garellano; find him on Twitter;
or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim,
CA 92815-1433!

This article appears in Nov 26 – Dec 2, 2009.