Dear Mexican: As a Mexican-American, I’ve lived in St. Louis for
about 17 years and have seen a substantial influx of my brethren.
Nevertheless, I’m for border security—against the no-good,
godless Canadians. I hate Canadians! Funny accents and cold
weather—ha! Why is America not closing the Canadian border? Those
bunch of hockey-playin’, maple-syrup-eatin’ hijos de putas
should take responsibility for the atrocities they have committed
against good, God-fearin’ American folks—like Avril Lavigne and
Alanis Morissette, among others. Where does the humanity begin and
hopelessness end? I expect that the Canadian-American War may begin at
any moment, and I can hardly wait to bitch slap a non-O-pronouncin’
mawfucka.

El Commandante de Cinco Estrellas de los Chulos del Mundo

Dear Five-Star Commander of the World’s Handsome Men: I will not
stand idly by while you denigrate an entire race. How can anyone hate
Canadians? They’re such simple people who let Mexicans steal their
precious wave, thereby eliminating one of the few contributions they’ve
made to world culture besides hockey, comedians and Lennox Lewis?

Besides, those snowheads with their pleasant ways always ask the
Mexican questions about his hermanos despite the relative dearth
of wabs in Canada. (The swarthy hated folks in the Great White
Norte are the Pakis, I do believe. Or Newfoundlanders. I
forget.) We know why our northern border is largely unprotected: No
Mexicans live on the other side. Besides, why are you trying to
antagonize the last, best hope in North America?

My Canadian peers: Ignore this pinche puto pendejo baboso.
The Mexican nation worships ustedes like the gabacho gods
you are. All hail to the hoja de arce!

I’ve been together with my Mexican boyfriend for more than three
years. At the beginning, I had problems getting along with my
mother-in-law, and now that I’ll get to meet the mother of my
mother-in-law, it seems things might get rougher with her. I try my
best, but it never seems good enough. What should I do? I also have
difficulties understanding that mi novio is looking forward to
scaring the first boy who would approach his younger sister. Por
favor explain to me how to seduce la familia!

Saludos Desde Quebec, Canada!

Dear Facebook Friend: I’ve answered this question before—go
through the ¡Ask a Mexican! archives in my book for further
consultation. One major point I forgot to explicar, only because
it’s so obvious—but for your Canadians, I’ll explain
slowly—is that in Mexican culture, the mother is queen,
and la abuelita is empress: even more regal, more difficult,
more beautiful, and more terrifying. Proceed with caution—tell
her she looks like Maria Félix, but DON’T mention the old-age
home or the prodigal son who’s only going to show up when she dies to
claim his part of an abandoned casa in the rancho.

Around our store in Little Saigon, it’s a running gag that
“Nguyen” is the Vietnamese “Smith,” and “Tran” is the Vietnamese
“Jones.” Which got me thinking about an old question of mine: Which of
these four common Spanish last names—Rodriguez, Lopez, Hernandez
and Gomez—would count as the Mexican “Jones”? And, while I’m
asking, a little historical query: How did those family names become so
prevalent, anyway?

Canadian Guy of English Descent Whose Name Is Not Smith

Dear Hoser Gabacho Who Works With Chinitos: Since the 2000
United States Census counts Jones as the fifth-most-popular surname in
the United States, its wabby corollary would logically be Lopez, since
it’s the fifth-most common Hispanic apellido, following Garcia,
Rodriguez, Martinez and Hernandez. But that means Tran is the
Vietnamese Johnson, and Hoang its Jones.

Prevalence? It’s the way surnames spread: Their carriers schtupped
as much as possible to keep up with the Lopezes.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net,
myspace.com/ocwab or facebook.com/garellano; find him on Twitter;
or write via snail mail at Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA
92815-1433!

This article appears in Oct 1-7, 2009.