Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans at construction sites always draw a
dick and a vagina on the interiors of port-a-potties? They sure are not
as poetic as they are artistic.

Original Schreck in Houston

Dear Gabacho: Methinks we have a coprophiliac in our midst—how
else would you know the ethnicity of toilet-taggers?

The Mexican doesn’t bother with bathroom graffiti, because he
prefers to read Reconquista for Dummies while cagando,
but he is an avid reader of bathroom-stall-graffiti academic treatises.
Allen Walker Read, in his 1935 publication Classic American
Graffiti: Lexical Evidence From Folk Epigraphy in Western North
America—A Glossarial Study of the Low Element in the English
Language, categorizes such scatological and sexual vandalism as
part of the “well-known human yearning to leave a record of one’s
presence or one’s existence” and notes it emanates from “neuroses
develop(ed) over the mysterious aura that has been thrown around the
bodily functions.” Walker lists citations of the practice, drawn and
written, dating back to the Hellenic era, and it’s fitting, since
writing while taking a dump is all greco to me.

I am curious about your take on English versus Spanish. I am an
obviously Mexican-American woman, but sometimes I get angry at people
who come up to me and assume I speak Spanish. Oh, and when they find
out that I don’t, I get foul faces and rude comments in Spanish. I’m a
third-generation Houstonian and grew up in the suburb of Spring-Klein
(where there were not too many of us when I was growing up). I believe
because I’m an American, and I do live in America, I speak English.
Don’t get me wrong; I really wish I did speak Spanish fluently. I will
be taking a summer course in español this year; it just
gets to me sometimes.

Coconut in the City

Dear Wabette: Don’t get mad people who assume you speak Spanish: In
this country’s psychology, once a wab, always a wab. If it’s a Mexican
who’s giving you grief, they’re just insecure pendejos who
wished they spoke English or were more Mexican. And the best way to
learn Spanish? Los Tigres del Norte.

I’m a Mexican from Houston with great admiration for Latinos in
the film industry, and I’m looking for my big break. Do you think there
is a lack of Hispanic/Latino movie directors? How can we change
this?

Wrapping More Tamales and Less Movies for a Living

Dear Wab: Si, and you can find out how to change Hollywood’s
brown-out by visiting the National Association of Latino Independent
Producers Web site at nalip.org.

I work at an ice cream shop in Houston, so we get all kinds of
Mexicans: from border-jumpers who need to have their kids order for
them, to upper-class güeros who moved from Lomas de Chapultepec to
be closer to an emporio Armani. A common thread is that Mexicans order
butter pecan much more than any other group. Please explain the Mexican
affection with the nuez.

Gabacho Heladero

Dear White Ice-Cream Man: Because it’s bueno. And
porque Tapatío nieve has yet to be perfected.
Next!

What’s with quinceañeras and their entire party
walking around in full get-up at the mall? Go to the Houston Galleria
on a Saturday afternoon, and there’s always a young lady with a big,
puffy, pink dress, a crown on her head, high heels and chambelan
in tow. Is “showing off” at the mall now part of the quinceañera festivities?

Former Pretty in Rosa

Dear Pretty in Pink: “Showing off” is the only reason for
quinceañeras. If Mexican parents were smart, they’d use
the thousands spent on the event for their daughters’ college
fund—but you didn’t hear it from me. Oh, wait: You did!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net,
myspace.com/ocwab or facebook.com/garellano; find him on Twitter;
or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim,
CA 92815-1433!

This article appears in Jul 30 – Aug 5, 2009.