Dear Mexican: Looking back on my distant youth in northwest Ohio,
I came to the realization that the sweetest, most beautiful girl this
gabacho ever went out with (indeed, in my entire senior class) was the
pure-blooded daughter of Mexican immigrants. Am I under the sway of 1)
simple nostalgia, 2) racist exoticism, 3) premature senility, or 4) a
deep sense of loss for what might have been? Please help before I start
reading Proust!

Couldn’t Help Wondering

Dear Gabacho: None of the above. Face it: You fucked up. Era the real deal. Now, go drown your mistake in bottles of Sauza (rotgut
tequila; you don’t deserve the amber heaven that is Herradura); put on
Pedro Infante; and weep like a good macho.

After that, find her on Facebook and say what’s up.

I used to look forward to reading you, but I must express my
disdain over a previous edition of your column. A guy asked why so many
young Latinos grab their dick, quote rap and don’t embrace their own
culture. Here was your chance to do something that LULAC, MALDEF and
every other farce of a Latino voice should have already done: Rip
Mexican youth a new one for loving black culture.

I don’t know how old you are, but blacks had their shot:
abolishing slavery and civil rights, just to name a few big ones. They
have made great advances. But at the same time, any young or old pendejo can see that they also suck: Look at incarceration rates,
HIV-infection rates, abortion rates, low school-testing scores and
adoption candidates. These are facts since we started keeping
score.

So here is this older, confused Chicano who wants you to perhaps
help inform the young Latino flock of sheep to stop this edification
and false idol worship, and you turn it into our (Latino and
black) struggle! Wake up, pendejo: They had their chance; it’s
our turn.

(Mexican’s note: He goes on to ramble for a couple hundred more
words, so now we jump to the conclusion.)

Are you politically scared? Do you want to stick to funny? Or are
you, I think, like the misguided “I love to suck black cock” sheep of
dumb America?

Dewey del Diablo

Dear Readers: I print this letter as an educational experience.
Dewey wrote it a couple of years ago, so may it give hope to the
thousands of you who have sent in preguntas and contact me
months later wondering if I’ll ever answer them. Patience,
gente: patience. I will, but make like legal immigrants, and
wait your turn in line.

Dewey is a racist Mexican pendejo—his “facts” are as
laughable as those created by FAIR, but I’ll let negrito bloggers debunk them—so may this show Mexican apologists that we
can dish the hate as well, if not worse, as Know Nothings. Best yet,
Dewey actually introduced himself to me at a Houston book-signing last
year with the best possible compliment: “You’re like the Bible, man. I
hate you, but I can’t stop reading.”

Want to hurt me, Know Nothings? Don’t write to me. Every time
ustedes do, it’s further proof that the Reconquista not only is
real; it’s HILARIOUS.

Explain to me, por favor, why Latinos—including
Mexicans and Chicanos, but not Guatemalans—are the most superior
baseball players on the planet? Is there some socio-political
conspiracy going on here?

Latino Umpire Laughing At Caucasians

Dear LULAC: Seems to be steroids. Thank God that the most notable
baseball players past and present of Mexican descent—Fernando
Valenzuela, Ted Williams, Nomar Garciaparra, Evan
Longoria—achieved their greatness through sandlot baseball,
college programs or a steady carne asada diet.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net or myspace.com/ocwab;
facebook.com/garellano;
find him on Twitter; or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O.
Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

This article appears in Jul 2-8, 2009.