Is it true that most Mexicans are carriers of the swine flu due
to the fact that they eat a lot of chicharrones, or is it the fact that
your women are so piglike? I knew that Mexicans have muy shitty
diets, but now we have to worry about them infecting us with a
pig-borne disease? Maybe we should put Clorox in the Rio Grande to
cleanse your people while they swim to our country illegally. Any
ideas?

Penis is Gnat-Small

Dear PIGS: Amazingly, yours was the only cochino comment or
query that the Mexican has received in the two weeks since the
emergence of the most destructive “Mexican” pathogen desde Carlos Mencia. Only time will tell whether the swine flu will fizzle
out or turn us all into zombies (or, in the case of Mexicans,
cucuys), so I’ll just limit my comentario to a few
salient puntos.

Firstly, most of the American cases first affected non-Mexicans, and
nearly all of the infected arrived legally from Mexico, so no need to
blame the illegals this time, Know Nothings.

The best way to protect oneself from any disease is pozole with
serrano peppers, onions and a tequila chaser.

And finally, instead of labeling this disease as swine flu, let us
all unite in calling it the Lou Dobbs flu, both because of his porcine
appearance and because his opinions are little better than pig
caca, but hella more dangerous.

I’m a mother to a beautiful 5-year-old. Her father and I are of
different ethnicities, with his bordering on gringo (he’s Greek). I’m a
dark-skinned mexicana and proud of it! My daughter is the
opposite of me: Mediterranean olive skin with crystal-blue eyes a head
of gorgeous chestnut hair. Anyway, the other day, my nena was
feeling sick, and I took her into the pediatrician. While waiting
there, a woman who clearly had no tact or manners asked me a question I
thought was offensive: She asked how long I had been nannying, and if I
baby-sat in my free time. I looked at her and politely said that I
wasn’t this child’s nanny, but rather her mother. She looked
unconvinced and then had the huevos to ask me if I adopted her
and from where. The fiery Latina in me was heated to say the least, and
thankfully, the nurse called us in before I had the chance to tell
the puta to fuck off. Why is it impossible for gabachos
to believe that darker-skinned Mexicans can make gringo-looking
babies? For the record, my baby speaks English, Spanish and Greek. How
many gringos can say that about their children?

I’ve Got the Scar to Prove It

Dear Wabette: You need to be more sympathetic to the intellectual
plight of gabachos. This column exists solely because most of
them can’t fathom simple issues pertaining to la raza, like the
origins of the upside-down exclamation point at the beginning of some
sentences and why we like salsa so much. You honestly expect them to
comprehend that Mexis come in all colores, especially given that
our loudest yaktivists have anointed us with the shade of brown to join
white, yellow, black and red on America’s racial spectrum?

Sí, gabachos: Mexicans span the color spectrum.
My mother is as white as a porcelain doll; mi papi, as swarthy
as a Sicilian.

Now, excuse me while I scarf down another bowl of pozole to fend off
the Lou Dobbs gripa.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net or myspace.com/ocwab; find
him on Facebook or Twitter; or write via snail mail at: Gustavo
Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

This article appears in May 7-13, 2009.