Dear Readers: As you drinko por Cinco this May 5,
please take this column, which lists songs that mariachis will gladly
play instead of having to glumly strum through “La Bamba” and
“Guantanamera” for the umpteenth time. The following eclectic choices
(and reasoning) came from hundreds submitted by wabs and savvy
gabachos; make sure to knock back the Herradura, but por
favor designate a nerd as your driver!

“Los Mandados” (The Errands): I could give you hundreds of
songs for Drinko de Mayo festivities, but if a Wayfarer-sporting,
American Apparel-wearing, Elliott Smith-worshiping, Shepard
Fairey-loving and oh-so-ironic gabacho wants to hear a mariachi
play something subtly anti-gringo, they can ask for this.

“El Borracho” (The Drunk): Mariachis love it, and the puto
pendejos que comen en restaurantes mexicanos on Cinco de
Mayo can no doubt remember the title.

“La Media Vuelta” (The Half-Turn): Is there a more
supremely-confident, hyper-macho, Mexican song out there? “You’ll leave
if I say so?” “You’ll stay if I say so?” “I want you to kiss other lips
just to see how great I am in contrast?” Perfect!

“No Volveré” (I Won’t Return): The counter balance to
“Volver, Volver” (another mariachi standard). “I swear to you that I
will never return, even if life tears me to pieces, if at one time I
loved you like crazy, you are now forgotten from my soul.” Beautiful
and painful at the same time.

“La Martina”: A great corrido by Antonio Aguilar about a
young bride who cheats on her husband. She gets caught red-handed and
tries to talk her way out of it. When her father refuses to do anything
about it, her husband takes things into his own hands and empties his
revolver into her. What else was the man to do?

“El Gavilán Pollero” (The Chicken Hawk): Years ago,
our high school Spanish club used to sponsor “authentic” dinners out.
One night, the mariachi played “El Gavilán Pollero,” and one of
the no-so-fluent students asked la profesora to translate la
letra. Our teacher, blushing with embarrassment, actually told us
the song was about a nasty chicken hawk who flew over a barnyard
terrorizing the newly hatched little chicks. (Mexican note:
Metaphors, amigo; the song is about a guy who steals another guy’s
girl.) Now, whenever I hear the song, it makes me laugh so hard,
Negra Modelo comes out my nose.

“El Son de la Negra” (The Song of the Black Woman): Its
upbeat driving rhythms get me smiling even before the first margarita
arrives. It’s pretty easy, and simple enough for a school mariachi to
play.

“El Perro Negro” (The Black Dog): A man kills another man in
his sleep, and the victim’s faithful dog avenges his owner’s death. The
wife of the killer (who the victim admired) finds the two bodies and
buries them in a local cemetery. The dog follows his owner to his plot
and dies there.

“Sabor a Mi” (Taste of Me): Gringos will love this beautiful
ballad, but talk about a little dirty! My favorite line, literally
translated: “On your mouth, you will take a taste of me.” Research
English translation only for laughs—it’s a perfect example of
American influence sucking the passion from anything ethnic.

“Historia de un Amor” (History of a Love): If the white folk
do not get our true intensity by the following lines, “Adorarte para
mí fue religion / Y en tus besos yo encontraba/El calor que me
brindaba” (Adoring you was my religion / And in your kisses, I
found / The heat that it offered), they never will.

“El Sinaloense” (The Sinaloan): It sounds like an entire
group of high school band students are falling down a flight of stairs,
but that they are so dedicated to their craft that they keep right on
playing as they fall. WARNING: Any mariachi who has asthma should not
attempt this song.

“I Just Called to Say I Love You”: Yes, mariachis know
it—and it sounds bad-ass.

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net or myspace.com/ocwab; find
him on Facebook or Twitter; or write via snail mail at: Gustavo
Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

This article appears in Apr 30 – May 6, 2009.