Dear Mexican: First of all, please don’t think that I’m a
self-loathing Mexican; I was born in the United States to northern
Mexican parents. As far as I know, my ancestry is just Indian, Spanish
and a little French. For some strange reason, I have developed an
intense fascination—you might say love—for Arab culture,
language, cuisine, etc., especially Lebanese, Syrian, Jordanian,
Palestinian and Iraqi, and I don’t even have a drop of Arab blood in
me. I hope to visit Lebanon someday, and Palestine (notice I said
“Palestine” and not Israel), Syria, Jordan and Iraq. I love the dabka, kibbe, kaffiyehs, qahwa, falafel, hummos bi tahini, baqlawa,
Lebanese singer Fairuz, the ruins at Baalbek, the city of Beirut and,
hell, too many other things to mention. Do you think I could be of
Lebanese ancestry and not know it? I mean, there are descendants
of Lebanese immigrants in Monterrey, Nuevo León, Mexico. Would a
DNA test tell me what my ancestry is, and could it turn up libaneses in my family tree? Let me know.
Wannabe Arab, a.k.a. El Libanés
Dear Wab: You’re not one of those idiot Chicanos who ridiculously
and insultingly compares the plight of Mexicans in the United States to
that of the Palestinians in their homeland, are you? I can’t tell for
certain if you have Middle Eastern genes without a DNA sample, and I’m
not interested in obtaining one from tu unless you’re a
chica with bouncy double-Ds.
But your chances that the sangre of the Levant courses
through your veins is more likely than gabachos may think. As
you noted, Lebanese did migrate to Mexico throughout the 20th century
and contributed to the patria in ways both positive (tacos al
pastor, Salma Hayek) and negative (billionaire Carlos Slim
Helú), having the biggest presence in Mexico City and the states
of Puebla, Veracruz and the Yucatan. I recommend you buy Theresa
Alfaro-Velcamp’s excellent 2007 study, So Far From Allah, So Close
to Mexico: Middle Eastern Immigrants in Modern Mexico, in which she
examined thousands of genealogical records of Lebanese and Syrians who
moved to Mexico. Also, don’t forget that most Mexican uncles have
enough Moorish blood in them to pass as Saddam Hussein in a pinch.
Why is it that Mexicans feel like they have to tear up store
shelves? I work in the shoe department at a department store, and it
looks like a bomb went off on our shelves after the families have
finished. We even stand there and ask if we can help while we watch
them tear it up.
Nitwit for Nike
Dear Gabacho: Same reason everyone else does come Christmas: the
ever-elusive search for the perfect pair of Chuck Taylor sneakers.
Why is it that Mexicans aren’t as stressed as gringos? Even those
living illegally, which must be nerve-racking, seem calmer.
El Güey Gringito Confiado
Dear Gabachito: Because no matter how bad we have it, we’ll always
have it better than the Guatemalans.
CONFIDENTIAL TO
The Mexican government, which recently got its calzones in a
bunch over a Burger King commercial which aired in Spain that depicted
an American cowboy and Mexican midget on friendly terms. At a time when
drug lords dominate large swaths of Mexico, and the country’s three
major industries (tourism, oil and migrant remittances) have dropped,
you get worked up about a midget decked out in the tricolor? You
know what’s a bigger desecration to the Mexican nation? Ustedes.
Poor Mexico: So far from God, so close to pendejo panistas.
Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net or myspace.com/ocwab; find
him on Facebook or Twitter; or write via snail mail at: Gustavo
Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!
This article appears in Apr 23-29, 2009.