Another One Pushed Out!

1. Response to the Tom Danehy column:

   Dear Tom Danehy,

   #1: Which AZ town? Tubac? Globe? Payson? Wickieup?

   #2: Why single out cheerleaders to pick on for getting pregnant? Why not pick on the town’s preachers and drunken stepfathers who probably knocked them up?

   #3: Did the pregnant cheerleaders keep on cheering? “Give me a C….section!”

   #4: “The editor let the sentence go through, but when the publisher read it and hit the ceiling, the editor dove for cover, leaving me hanging.” Did you really mean to mix all those metaphors? I pictured your publisher leaping upward while your editor jumped downward while you hovered with a noose around your neck. (Note: I didn’t say “lynch”)

   #5: “…a strange bedfellow came to my defense.” One more metaphor/cliche for good measure. What is a strange bedfellow, anyway? The horse’s head in “The Godfather”? Your nymphomaniac 2nd cousin who demands to be spanked? Or what?

   #6: Three exclamation points? Why???

   #7: Are Jehovah’s Witnesses coming to your door on a daily basis? Why should your Catholicism stop them? What, are they only supposed to go to the doors of people who are already Jehovah’s Witnesses, or who aren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses but have been contemplating becoming one because of the hot “Jehova-va-VOOM of the Month” centerfold in the Watchtower?

   #8: You honestly believe you’ll see anybody in heaven? Think again. Heaven is full of clouds. The off-ramp from the Purgatory Interstate even has signs that say, “Heaven ahead: Bring flares.” (Incidentally, the best afterlife roadside attraction is The Thing?! if you can find it)

   #9: A while back you complained about crappy movie theater food and prices. Now you complain about people who use cell phones while driving. Hey Danehy….didn’t I see your act at the comedy club? “Good evening ladies and germs, my name’s Tom Danehy…. What’s the deal with TV commercials that are louder than the show you’re watchin’? Have you ever noticed that the burgers in the ads are bigger than the burgers they serve you? The other day I went in for a colonoscopy….”

   #10: Why on earth do you shop at Wal-mart? (In Harper’s Index this month: The square footage of all the Wal-marts in the world is now greater than the square footage of Manhattan Island.)

   #11: Why shouldn’t Mitt Romney’s religion be mentioned? Why shouldn’t any candidate’s religion be mentioned, since so many of them use their religion to win votes? (Mike Huckabee: “A vote for me is a vote for fresh diapers on Baby Jesus!”)

   #12: I agree that Mormons aren’t much weirder than other Christians. For example, did you know that Christians actually believe a man who died 2,000 years ago somehow magically paid off a future line of “sin debt” extending into infinity, but only for people who join his fan club? Crazy! But one thing that is a little extra weird about Mormons is they wear Temple Garments, aka “funny underwear.” Do you really want the man with his finger on the button to be the one wearing “Super Jesus” underoos?

   #13: Stan Freberg? Who? At his comedy concerts, do people in the audience hold up lighters while shouting his last name?

   #14: That whole aside quoting the “take an Indian lunch” bit was funny — FIFTY YEARS AGO!

   #15: How can you tell, just by looking at a cheerleader, that her name is likely to be Tawny, Shawna or Britni? I mean, is there a “Tawny” style? If so what is it?

   #16: Wait, you want a newscaster who looks like Jack Elam… Isn’t he the guy who looks like Saddam Hussein?

   #17: I agree about the “surge” thing. But they didn’t have a surge back then because they hadn’t put the SURGE in INSURGENCY. All they had at the time was an INNCY.

   #18: Why not call the Tucson Weekly the “Official Newspaper of the Beijing Olympics”? After all, didn’t the Tucson Weekly use to be the “Official Paper of the Devil in Southern Arizona”? I understand Jim Nintzel used to get his editorial direction from Satan.

   #19: PUT WITTY AND/OR SARCASTIC AND/OR ACRIMONIOUS COMMENT HERE.

   #20: FILL THIS COMMENT WITH SOMETHING IN CONCLUSION SO THAT THE LIST ENDS ON A NUMBER THAT IS A MULTIPLE OF FIVE.

2. I have a new name for the Tucson Weekly: The TURD-scon STOMACH-WEAK-ly.

   Why? Because look at this:

   • Catherine O’Sullivan: “Don’t pick up dog crap, and save a sea turtle as a result!” — yep, it’s a whole article about dog poop…

   #149; Jimmy Boegle’s editor’s message: “I went to a restaurant that the Weekly reviewed positively, and the food tasted like pigeon vomit. What in the hell was the Weekly thinking?” — pigeon vomit? wouldn’t that be, like, the mashed-up worms they feed to their chicks?

   • James Digiovanna: “Southland Tales [has] plenty of good bits: It’s just that finding them is like trying to eat caviar that you accidentally spilled into dog vomit.” — first dog poop, then pigeon vomit, then….dog vomit! (What, no pigeon poop?)

   • Anna Mirocha’s police dispatch: “The subject could not remember his exact words, but when asked if he may have said something to the effect of, ‘I will rip your head off and shit down your throat,’ the subject replied, ‘That sounds a lot like me, and, yes, I probably made that statement.'”

   So what’s going on here? Is this the Tucson Weekly’s annual Poop and Vomit issue?

3. One quick comment: Catherine O’Sullivan’s column about not picking up dog shit because of the pollution of plastic bags is pretty lame.

   O’Sullivan says, “I’ve been thinking about doing this for some time–mostly because I’m lazy–but also because it’s the right ethical decision.”

   Then she launches into a discussion of how terrible plastic bags are. (Indeed, I was just reading that China will now require all stores to charge extra for plastic bags due to the pollution problem they have caused throughout the country.)

   I don’t disagree with O’Sullivan about plastic bags. But her conclusion, that you should let your dog shit wherever it wants, without cleaning up afterward, does not follow.

   O’Sullivan writes: “Dog shit, as far as I can tell, degrades fairly easily. Rain, wind, car tires, shoes, feet, hooves, skateboards–all these things are positively boffo and break it up into micro particles.”

   I take it you’ve never stepped in dog shit, O’Sullivan? You can’t just wipe it on the grass. That stuff is fine, and if it gets in the tread of your shoes, unless you scrub it off and then spray high-powered water on it, you’re going to be smelling that crap for the rest of the day — no, make that the rest of the week.

   I also think it kinda sucks to give irresponsible people a nice little rationalization for letting their dogs shit all over the neighborhood. Couldn’t you find some other lead-in to your main point about plastic bags? If “the personal is political,” then being an inconsiderate asshole is hardly a good start.

   Here are some things people who walk their dogs can do instead of picking up their dog shit with a plastic bag:

   — pick up the crap with a small, biodegradable brown paper sack
   — make the dog wear re-washable cloth “doggie diapers”
   — carry a washable pooper scooper with you; scoop the poop
   — use the same plastic bag over and over, emptying the turds into garbage cans, and only letting your hand touch the outside of the bag
   — use plastic bags, but only use bags that were already destined for the garbage (i.e. when you run out, don’t go get more)
   — if the responsibility of owning a dog and cleaning up its shit during a walk is too much for you, don’t own a fucking dog

4. Use the Weekly to pick up dog shit. It’s not that tough to turn that rag into a perfect pooper-scooper. I’ve recently seen a story with instruction. If I find I’ll post. It’s a great idea, fresh supply every Thursday!

5. Good idea! But how do you use the internet version of the TW to pick up dog crap?

6. The internet is already full of crap. Dog shit may improve it.

   The NET is the new boob-tube. Questions is, who’s the boob, the viewer or the content provider?

   Actually, I can’t improve on your post(3) SinTwister.

7. Such intellectual, enlightening commentary.

8. The plastic bags that hold loaves of bread make good dog-doo picker uppers. Other plastic bags for other foods (like English muffins) also work.

   i agree this isn’t very intellctual, Scarlett. You are welcome to bring it up a notch with whatever commentary you feel like contributing

9. So I just finished reading Frederic Malter’s guest column.

   This is a really breezy read, since it’s pure storytelling, told in a simple “then this happened, then that happened” manner. Check it out.

   It’s also the sort of writing that compels you to keep reading by virtue of the fact that you have to get all the way to the end to find out what the heck is going on.

   My only gripe with the article is that the author doesn’t provide more details, at the end, about where he bought his car, and from whom. Was the seller a middle-aged, middle-classed white woman advertising in the Star? A local dealership? Or was the seller a more shady type of character on Craigslist?

   Anyway, good guest column.

10. Oh, c’mon! It (Malter’s)is a sweet little love story that’s all, one they won’t soon forget and will retell over the years.

11. I thought Malter’s story increased knowledge on two particular subjects — lifted vehicles for smugglers, and how the border patrol works. It had substance. Better than whining about doggie doo and what have you (I miss Renee Downing’s biweekly column).

    I guess I just never “get” some columnists’ writings, is all.

12. I missed the love-story part. Was there an invisible-ink paragraph about Malter and his wife having a group hug/cuddle with the Border Patrol agents?

13. Don’t worry, all y’all will get there, somehow eventually. (she wasn’t his wife at the start — can you at least see that?) Editor Boegle did well in running Malther’s. Mrs. Red Star has banned Red Star from the kitchen as it is Japan cooking night tonight with no other refuge than Friday Night Roundtable…

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