¡Ask a Mexican!

Dear Mexican: Why are Mexicans so proud of the brutality of their
police force? They seem to glamorize it in all of their music and telenovelas.

Batons Are Bats, Or Super Oracles

Dear BABOSO: I’ll let you know when Dirty Harry, Det. Sipowicz,
Chief Wiggum and the producers of COPS get back to me,
m’kay?

Why aren’t more Mexicans talking about the economic destruction
that the North American Free Trade Agreement has caused in Mexico, and
the role it plays in the immigration problem? The state of Guanajuato,
home of former Mexican President Vicente Fox, went from being Mexico’s
breadbasket to chiefly exporting immigrants, because of the influx of
American subsidized cereals that NAFTA allows. The Americans aren’t
going to talk about it, so why don’t the Mexicans?

Angry Chica Tired of All the Shutting Up

Dear Wabette: You’re wrong. The mainstream media has spilled
mucho ink over NAFTA recently on account of its
quinceañera this year. Chicano activists and Know
Nothings, in a rare moment of standing on the same side of an issue,
have spent years railing against NAFTA, although for different
reasons—the right fears the free flow of Mexicans into the United
States, while the left has tracked the devastation that the free market
wrought upon a state-controlled economy. Meanwhile, the Mexican plain
ol’ folk have spoken loudly and many times against NAFTA—with
their feet.

So, I’m in a Mexican restaurant, and it’s panic time: Here come
the mariachis! Mexican, help me. What can I request so as to not appear
to be a dolt by asking for the 12th “La Bamba” or (worse yet)
“Guantánamera” of their shift? Sure, “Bésame Mucho” is a
gringo’s best friend, but I want something that the players will know,
and be happy to play for a change. Maybe even something a little dirty,
or with a subtle anti-gringo inside joke? And please make it easy for
me to remember. I’ll be drunk.

Modern Luxury

Dear Gabacho: For once, the Mexican is stumped, overwhelmed with the
unlimited semiosis that is someone asking him what song to request
while a mariachi plays.

Simply too many choices, amigo! You can get the mariachi happy by
requesting “El Rey” (“The King”) or “Volver, Volver” (“Return,
Return”), because it’ll fill them simultaneously with bravado and
wussiness by encouraging the audience to sing along with the chorus,
but the Mexican finds these songs to be the “My Way” and “Freebird” of
Mexican music.

Personally, I like to ask for “La Malagüeña” (“The Lady
From Malaga,” a song of love) and “Un Puño de Tierra” (“A
Fistful of Dirt,” a Satrean ditty of existential angst that goes
wonderfully with Herradura tequila), because the canciones are
both standards that nevertheless don’t get as much recognition as they
deserve. But if you want to test a mariachi’s mettle, ask for “El Mil
Amores” (“The One Thousand Loves”) and “Carabina 30-30” (“Carbine
30-30″)—the former because it’s my theme song and written by the
severely underappreciated Cuco Sanchez, the latter porque it’s
one of the few Mexican Revolution-era corridos that still notches
regular airtime at parties (but not on radio, alas).

But I’m sure readers have better picks, and since Cinco de Mayo is
upon us, I turn it over to ustedes. OK, cabrones: What
mariachi songs do you recommend gabachos request as they
drinko por Cinco in a couple of weeks? Give me the song’s title
and 50 words or less explaining its beauty to gabachos, and I’ll
print the best picks for my Cinco de Mayo column!

This article appears in Apr 2-8, 2009.