Am I the only one kind of baffled by the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”?
Yeah, yeah, Daddy’s supposedly dressed up like Santa Claus or whatever. I get that. But what if that’s not the case, and Mommy’s just a chubby-chasing ho who lacks the good sense to do her macking out of sight of her kids?
That’s all.
This article appears in Dec 20-26, 2007.
You know, Editor Boegle, if Mrs. Red Star (a generally sensible, always loyal, reality-based woman who has at times found it a stretch to believe in Red Star) could just get our kiddos to eat their cheeseburgers in less than 30 minutes, why then she could ho, ho, ho all she wants. But she can’t: “Why, it’s more fun for them!” Oh! Time for dessert. This has been going on since 5:30 p.m. and there seems to be no way out. That’s all.
There does seem to be a weird subgenre of slightly uncomfortable Christmas songs. Mommy kissing Santa Claus, poor Grandma getting run over by a reindeer…ah, no thanks.
If you think that’s weird, what about Mojo Nixon’s song “Jesus at McDonald’s midnight” that has these lines:
“I saw mama humping Santa Claus / She said it was because of menopause / That’s why she had to have Rudolph too”
What’s up with that?
This has nothing to do with desperate housewives, but a few years ago I revised the lyrics of “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” to make the carol suitable for performance by our wolf friends:
God bless you, hairy cattlemen
And hirsute shepherds, too.
More meager would our mealtime be
Without the likes of you,
Who introduced into our realm
That tempting baa and moo.
Oh, thank goodness for human fools who keep
Cattle and sheep.
All we ask is:
Please don’t shoot us from your Jeep.
Little-known FACT for James Reel: The word for a changed set of lyrics like that is a “mondegreen.” Use it often — impress your friends!
Another little-known FACT: The song “Jingle Bells” is not really a Christmas song. It was written by James Lord Pierpont in 1857 to be sung during the first snows, around Thanksgiving. Most people do not know the full set of lyrics, which are actually pretty dang weird. Examples:
“A day or two ago / the story I must tell / I went out on the snow / And on my back I fell / A gent was riding by / In a one-horse open sleigh / He laughed as there / I sprawling lie / But quickly drove away.”
That’s creepy, if you ask me! I mean, the dude is sprawled on his back, possibly injured, and somebody rides by, laughs, and splits? That’s just MEAN, man! Also:
“Now the ground is white / Go it while you’re young / Take the girls tonight / And sing this sleighing song”
“Take the girls”? “Go it while we’re young”? Rowr!