Twilight is a movie in which everybody mopes. High school kids mope in the parking lot, or they mope in diners while eating french fries with their moping fathers. Meanwhile, forlorn vampires walk around in broad daylight … moping. Mope, mope, mope. I just wanted somebody to rip a throat out or something, to break up the monotony.

Yeah, I know, it’s a vampire movie for young adults, so throat-ripping is forbidden. But really: Why make a vampire movie when you can’t see any real vampire action? It’s like making a Star Wars movie with no space battles, or a Jaws movie without any shark attacks. As a result, Twilight is boring on a level that is unforgivable. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was on TV, and there was far more scary mayhem and action on that show.

The film is based on a series of novels by Stephenie Meyer. It tells the story of Isabella “Bella” Swan, played by Kristen Stewart as if she just drank a bottle of Tanqueray and chased it with four six-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon. She’s usually a magnetic actress, but here, she’s lost in a drama desert with no canteen, and she can’t find her way out.

Bella moves from Phoenix to be with her lethargic dad (Billy Burke) in Forks, Wash., where he’s a depressed sheriff. After being a loner in Phoenix, she becomes the big story in the sparsely populated town–and she attracts the attention of both the living and the undead. It’s no wonder the undead would buzz around her, because she plays the role of a high school senior with all the nuance of a zombie.

Still, her performance outshines that of Robert Pattinson, who plays lead vampire Edward Cullen. Edward is Bella’s lab partner, and he doesn’t like her at first, because, well, he wants to drink her blood, and he finds this bothersome. His family of vampires only eats animals, but Bella has him thirsting for human blood, which pisses him off. How dare she? Still, Bella is hot, so he falls in love, which poses the dilemma of him loving somebody he literally wants to eat on a cracker.

Pattinson, with his pale face and impossible eyebrows, is a drag in every moment that he is on the screen. It doesn’t help that his character is ridiculous. “Say, I’m a vampire, and a brooder, but I’m totally gorgeous. So … please love me and my big eyebrows back, even though I want to suck your blood. And, even though I want to suck your blood, please go to the prom with me, because I already rented a tux, and the deposit is nonrefundable.”

Director Catherine Hardwicke made a decent debut with Thirteen, but she’s been stinking up cinemas ever since. Apart from a few scenes in which Edward runs around and scales a tree or two, the film has no lively moments. A sequence in which the vampires play baseball is deadly dull, not to mention stupid. Apparently, vampires can only play baseball in the rain, which means these vampires can pretty much play ball 24/7, because they’re in the Northwest.

Since this movie made a ton of money in its opening weekend, sequels are more than likely. They should can Hardwicke right now, and get somebody who knows how to direct an action sequence. The Twilight franchise certainly has a chance at being cool. I hated the first Harry Potter, but that series has grown into a very durable set of films.

For the uninitiated who have never read the books (such as myself), Twilight is the sort of cinematic sludge that will result in hair loss as you frustratingly pull strands from your head while watching. For those of you who love the books, you’ll probably love the movie. It serves its purpose, and its purpose is not to please the likes of me–because I don’t get it … I don’t get it at all.

This article appears in Nov 27 – Dec 3, 2008.

18 replies on “The Moping Undead”

  1. I’ve read the books; I’ve loved the book. I hate the movie. I don’t like the interaction between Stewart and Pattinson, it’s just not believable (as believable as a movie can be anyway). I had hoped to see the sweet parts of the book portrayed on the screen and got a badly acted cutout that felt too rushed and incomplete to be based on the book that I love.

    I wish is that they could get new leads, a new director, and for God’s sake, a new screenplay writer for the second installment.

  2. I Agree. I love the book, All four of them, But this movie is a weak attempt at portraying it.

    The movie does indeed feel rushed. A good movie takes a Minimum of two-three years to film. And the filming is only announced around the end of filming.

    The film was anounces a month before filming started and took less than a year to film (as will New Moon, expected to be in Cinemas Novemeber) and I seriously think they could have went WAY WAY better.
    The script was also rather poor. I admit, Some parts were good…But a small amount.

    I don’t like the actors either. Kristen Stuart looks like she has two black eyes. And her acting makes us question two things: Does she really want to be in this role? Or is she just a really bad actress?
    Robert Patterson looks like he enjoys the spotlight, but that doesn’t do anything for his acting. He gives the image of a Rage-aholic and a Physcopath.

    Overall, I think it’s a Great movie…for Children. If I were to Summerise the entire movie to a friend. I would give one senetence.
    “Full of uncomfortably close, close-ups”

    I know others liked it, But I was extremely disappointed, I hope the new Directer changes something…

    I think I’ll stick to re-reading the book a few hundred times, at least until i have it completely memorised 😉

    P.S. I loved Alice & Jasper, Emmett (The best Book characters ever) & Rosalie, Carlisle & Esme, Great choice of roles.

  4. Even though I loved the movie (it was what inspired me to read the books – so for me it was the opposite way around for most), I just loved this article – full of laugh out loud moments which make complete sense and so true seen from someone else’s perspective.

    I have probably watched the movie at least 20 times, so I have had time to analyse it and watch the dodgy moments and the better moments, but my doubt never wavers that I love the film. Whether it’s the corny way they share long looks, or just the total impossibility of the whole scenario, I find myself wanting more.

    Aside from all that, it doesn’t stop me from completely agreeing with Bob Grimm and congratulating him on a compelling article on a (for him, anyway) less than compelling movie.

  5. Really, you can’t watch this movie and be entertained UNLESS YOU’VE READ THE FREAKING BOOKS.

  6. I pretty much completely agree with your assessment of the film, and let me reassure you that the books aren’t any better. Worse, rather.
    But, one minor (almost stupid) correction. They can only play baseball when it’s thundering out, because it’s so loud since they’re so strong or something. Given this, being in the NW, they would rarely have the opportunity to play because it hardly ever thunders here (unfortunately for me, I adore thunderstorms). I wonder if SMeyer researched the climate anymore than googling rainest places.

  7. I agree. I’ve read the books, and the film was still incredibly BORING. The actors were just terrible. Weren’t they supposed to be ‘in love’? Why didn’t they just say “Hey, by the way I love you.” “Oh, cool, whatever.” Well, you can’t make a good movie if the books are already pieces of crap.

  8. The movie drags on because that’s how the story is written. It’s dull from start to finish — no action, no suspense just romance and high school romance at that. Stephanie Meyer writes her stories as if she is still about 16 years old and longing for that dreamy, unattainable guy in the senior class to fancy her above all others. The characters lack depth in the book so one can only assume the screenplay is just as flat. I think the actors did the best with the information they were presented — it all amounts to nothing. The books just seem to be a coded message of abstinence until you’re 18 and immediately married to your soulmate who impregnates you on your honeymoon with a vampire child. I thought vampires were void of all human fluids, wouldn’t that include semen? Anyway, I digress. The movie is bad because the books were dull as dirt. A complete rewrite is in order!!

  9. I absolutely hated the movie. I am appalled and disgusted. My brain is fried and it hurts I tell you. I read the books, then watched the movie and I am still not entertained. The movie went from point A to point D then back to B and so on. My only question is, did Stephenie Meyer forget her own book during the set!? Let’s not get into the other books besides Twilight. I don’t have enough space to scream.

  10. I’m perturbed that you didn’t mention Pattinson’s excessive mouth breathing…perhaps it’s part of the moping…

  11. I’ve read the books and I can tell you; I thought it to be as stupid and non-imaginative as a vampire book can get. Of course, it had some interesting moments, but save it for a soap. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not. It’s not epic, it’s not exciting. The ‘enemies’ literally walk into the story, just like that. And I don’t like perfect boys. Seriously, twilight fans, why do you want the perfect guy? I don’t get it!
    I haven’t seen the movie, and I don’t think I will. It seems to be just the same as the book.

  12. First, if you can’t enjoy a movie without first reading the book, it’s a BAD FREAKING MOVIE.

    However, I read the book (my wife was reading the series), and from what I can tell by reading this review, the movie adaptation was completely faithful.

    Sorry to the fans, but it’s a bad freaking book. It’s several hundred pages of puppy luv, oddly plotted, a main character whose chief quality is being accident prone and helpless, and with a weird “vampire” angle that’s just an insult to the whole genre. Vampires don’t sparkle, they don’t hunt mountain lions, and they wouldn’t voluntarily spend their eternal lives in high school. It’s just not good by any stretch of the imagination.

  14. The movie was absolutely horrendous. Vampires do not sparkle in the sunlight, they disinigrate for 1. This movie really annoyed me.

  15. Um, whatever, Twi-bitches, the movie AND the book sucked. Bad. And I’m a teenage girl. Who likes other vampire novels. And by “other” I mean “real”. STFU and go get a life besides lusting after a fictional angsty teenage flashlight.

  16. I have to agree that BOTH the books and the movie sucks.

    My sister is a huge Twi-fan and fell in love with the series after she watched “Twilight.” To see what the hype was all about, i watched the movie. I think i aged ten years by watching it, cause it dragged on for so long! The only action in the movie lasted about five secounds and i felt ripped off! I tried to read the first, hem hem, ‘novel’ but i was bored out of my skull by the secound chapter. If i try to read the rest of it, I’m pretty sure I would end up blowing my brains out.

    The really sad part of all this is… these are the ONLY BOOKS MY SISTER HAS EVER READ and she says that they are the best books ever.

    I have no problem saying that I am a bookworm, because I can seriously lay down some books, but i wish i could convince my sister to try other authors.

    Oh and for you Twi-teens out there. I have an author for you! SHERRILYN KENYON
    Paronormal Romance- “Dark Hunter” novels- Vampires with a twist! All her books are AWSOME! And you don’t have to read them in any order to get the story either.

  17. Ill bet any amount of money that every comment on here talking trashon the movie and saying it sucks was probably written by the same guy who wrote this article. Seriously, the author of this article says the movie is boring and there are no lively moments? And that for the uninitiated people who have never read the books will experience hair loss or whatever else he said – this guy is a moron in every sense of the word. Up until the first twilight movie came into theaters I had never heard of the twilight series books, not once ever. I had heard about the movie but never saw previews and didnt know anything about it. My girlfriend hadnt read the books either but saw a couple previews on tv (remember i had never heard of the books and had never seen any previews) After my girlfriend saw the previews on tv she basically had to drag me there. So once we got to the theater i decided to just suck it up and watch the movie since i knew it would make my gf happy. You wanna know what happens next? My eyes were glued on the theater screen – right when it got over i begged my girlfriend to stay and watch the next showtime just to see what we catch the 2nd time around that we missed the first – on our way home i immediately stopped by barnes and noble bookstore and bought all 4 twilight books. Immediately once i got home I sat down on my bed and basically read the whole rest of the day and night only stopping for some snacks , cigarettes, and using the bathroom. Within the time period from the first twilight movie coming into theaters to when the second one came into theaters i probably read all 4 books 20 different times and saw the movie probably 10 times, and the same went for new moon (and for new moon i waited in line for like 10 hours to have good seats) Just because i gave the movie a chance with not knowing anything at all about it – it got me hooked, obsessed. so seriously dont sit there and try and say that uninitiated people who only go off the movie will get hair loss, because that is nothing close to the truth in every sense of the world. you say this movie sucks and that rob and kristen cant act? well maybe you should do some research and see how much money all 4 books have taken in and how much money twilight and new moon have taken in – also do some research on how many fans (all ages) are addicted to twilight. there is a reason movies make a ton of money, thats because there good. so honestly you should delete this article if possible because all its doing is making you sound retarded. the twilight sage is AMAZING in every sense of the world.

    p.s. your probably just talking crap on the twilight saga because your some 20 – 30 – 40 year old, etc. (or however old you are) small weak little boy whos trying to convince his readers that hes a macho bad boy, because in your eyes any guy that likes the twilight saga this much must be gay and all i have to say is that yes there probably are some gay guys obsessed with twilight but also i would bet any amount of money that more than 75% of the guys age 18 and older that are obsessed with twilight are 100% straight. so what if twilight is a vampire love story? guys like it because its extremely good and fun to watch and read, not because there gay, because its extremely good.

    thanks buddy for reading this, cant wait to hear back what you have to say back to this comment

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