That Lovable Stalker!

Before I went to see All About Steve, I caught a glimpse of
its rating on RottenTomatoes.com. It was at 5
percent, which makes it one of the worst-reviewed films … ever.

As I watched the movie, which stars Sandra Bullock as an insane
stalker, I couldn’t understand why it was so hated. It wasn’t very
good, but it was far from awful, and I was getting some decent—if
uncomfortable—laughs out of the thing.

By the time the movie ended, I understood that Tomato rating.

For most of the running time, director Phil Traill and Bullock
constructed an almost-decent anti-rom-com, and seemed fully dedicated
to making an awkward, sinister film. Since I sit through a seemingly
endless stream of formulaic romantic comedies every year, I welcome one
that dares to throw a rabid possum into the tub.

But the movie sells out in the end, in a manner so shameless and
conventional that I cannot even come close to recommending All About
Steve. The finale takes semi-inspired lunacy and turns the film
into an absolute turd.

Bullock plays Mary Magdalene Horowitz, maker of crossword puzzles
and wearer of crazy boots. She hasn’t had sex in a long time and
resides in her parents’ home with her pet hamster. Mom and dad fix her
up on a blind date, and she bemoans the notion. That is, until the date
shows up, and he is the supremely hot Steve (Bradley Cooper, doing the
best he can).

Sex-starved Mary attacks Steve in his van within minutes of meeting
him. The words spewing from her mouth quickly override Steve’s need for
sex, and he bails, using his work as a news cameraman as an excuse.
Steve says something along the lines of, “Wish you could be there!” out
of fake politeness, and Mary takes this as an invitation.

Soon, Mary is following Steve as his news team stops over in Tucson
for a hostage situation, Oklahoma for a three-legged baby, Texas for a
storm, and Colorado, where a group of hearing-impaired children have
fallen into a mineshaft. (They travel to all of these destinations in a
news van, which would take many, many days.) Hartman (Thomas Haden
Church), Steve’s field reporter, finds Mary’s stalking amusing, and
therefore leaves her clues to their destinations as a prank. Steve is
justifiably terrified.

You have to have some balls to try to squeeze laughs out of deaf
kids in a mineshaft. Bullock’s eccentric performance, while often
annoying, is sometimes amusing. Church gets some good giggles out of
being cruel, and Cooper does a nice job of acting scared.

Then the unthinkable happens: Traill and writer Kim Barker (who
helped come up with the terrible License to Wed) construct an
ending of impossible dignity and grace for Mary: Her supposed faults
and criminal behavior are elevated into endearing qualities, rather
than just being the traits of somebody who should be locked up. Traill
actually tries to make the film a serious tearjerker, and this move is
wrong, wrong, wrong.

There is no way in hell that All About Steve could work as a
message movie, but that’s what it wants to be in the end. I was almost
impressed that superstar Bullock was willing to play a completely
repugnant character—and then crushed to find out that she was
trying to put one over on the audience. You see, nut jobs like Mary are
to be embraced, because they are unique, and because they look like
Sandra Bullock.

So, yeah, this is indeed one of the year’s worst movies, and you can
expect to be insulted and assaulted by its ultimate stupidity. There’s
a lot of talent involved, working with a script that betrays them in
the name of sentimental hogwash.

For a moment there, I thought Sandra Bullock was pretty damned
gutsy. As it turns out, she is a cinematic wimp.

This article appears in Sep 10-16, 2009.