Michael Bay was on a bit of a roll with his last three films. I
liked Bad Boys II, and The Island was pretty cool. While
I didn’t like the first Transformers all that much, it didn’t
make me want to tear off my face while watching it, which had become my
normal reaction to Bay films.

I’m back to face-tearing mode after Transformers: Revenge of the
Fallen, as Bay has officially re-entered the Land of the Suck. It’s
an effort that cements his place in cinematic-dickwad hell. This guy is
the biggest dipshit to ever be handed a $200 million movie.

First off, the thing totally screams, “Rush job!” DreamWorks and
Paramount needed a summer 2009 tent pole, so they shot this thing into
production and got it into theaters a mere two years after the
original. I’m not sure if a longer incubation period would’ve birthed
something a little less deformed, but at least it would’ve put off my
suffering for another year.

Shia LeBeouf returns as a now-college-bound Sam. He’s having trouble
telling Mikaela (Megan “Strike a Pose” Fox) that he loves her, because
he’s a guy and all that. He also has a piece of the “cube” from the
first film left in his grimy sweatshirt, and that cube shard should not
be touched.

The shard ends up birthing little Transformers that tear up his
house, and the touching of the thing causes a bunch of ancient symbols
to flash around in Sam’s head. Apparently, these symbols mean something
to the Decepticons (the bad Transformers), and the stuff in Sam’s head
is crucial to taking over the world. Autobots (the good Transformers),
including the legendary Optimus Prime, must come to the rescue as
Megatron is resurrected and ready to kick ass.

The nonsense jumps around from Sam’s hometown, to his college, to
Paris, and then to Egypt, where the Transformers buried a doomsday
machine under a landmark. This lunacy leads to such visuals as John
Turturro scrambling up the side of a pyramid, and Fox running around in
an Egyptian desert seemingly forever before her white pants get
dirty.

Bay returns to his patented ADD-editing formula. Don’t fall in love
with any imagery, because it’s going to switch to something else before
you can really take it in. From the ancient pyramids of Egypt, to Megan
Fox’s hallowed ass, nothing is good enough to earn more than a few
seconds of stationary shots. This bastard can’t stand still for more
than 10 seconds. I’m thinking Bay was sent to a lot of timeouts when he
was a kid.

All of the organic beings in this film are only pawns in the mostly
CGI affair. LeBeouf, who had so much promise as an actor, is beginning
to reveal himself as a one-trick pony, and his fast-talking routine is
wearing thin. Turturro, who I truly liked in the original, strains for
laughs with a mundane part. Fox looks good, or at least I think she
did; I’m not sure if I got a long enough look at her for an opinion to
truly form. Goddamn Michael Bay and his screwy editors!

Will there be a third one? I’m thinking yes, for sure. While I hated
this crap, the audience I viewed it with awarded it with massive
applause when it finished. Therefore, bad reviews won’t stop a third
one from arriving on our Earth, where it will make a lot of money and
kill trillions of brain cells.

Transformers … more than meets the eye … and liable to cause
much critical misery for many years to come.

This article appears in Jul 2-8, 2009.