Abs vs. Eyebrows

Somebody needs to buy Kristen Stewart an ice cream cone with
sprinkles to cheer her somber ass up. The young actress, who has turned
in good work elsewhere, is killing the Twilight movies with her
sullen, hyperventilating lovesick routine.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon is much better than its
predecessor, Twilight: Suck Ass!, but it isn’t good enough to
call … well, good. Much of the blame rests on the supple shoulders of
Stewart. Yes, I know the part calls for her to be miserable at times,
but she seems downright resentful throughout the entire film, even
during the 5 or 10 minutes her character, the ever-downtrodden Bella
Swan, is supposed to be moderately happy.

How does this film count as an improvement over the shit pile that
was the first one? For starters, Edward Cullen (the lamest vampire
ever), played by Robert Pattinson, spends much of the film’s running
time off-screen. His character breaks up early on with Bella to protect
her, and journeys off somewhere to pout. Yes, rather than hang around
and protect her with his super vampire powers, he’s got to go off and
be all emo-sad. That’s protection with a capital P!

I consider this plot development a blessing, because Pattinson’s “I
love you, but I still want to suck your blood … bleh, bleh!” routine
got tired in the first 15 minutes of the original film. In the little
time that he’s around in this one, he’s in mega-sulk mode, and the
pale-face makeup and hairdo make him look like some sort of anemic
hipster clown.

As Jacob Black, the buff werewolf guy, Taylor Lautner steps up his
role a few notches with a new haircut and a fabulous workout system
(or, as Bella jokes upon his first appearance, anabolic steroids).
Lautner, while nothing to scream about as an actor, has a sweet screen
presence, and he handles some of the emotional stuff much better than
his cohorts. When Bella finds herself essentially in a love triangle
with Dracula and the Wolf Man, it’s quite shocking to see who she
picks.

I’ll say it: Lautner is far dreamier, and his abs alone should’ve
scored Jacob the boyfriend gig. He also manages to smile every once in
a while.

Apparently, Bella’s into effed-up eyebrows over abs. I know this
sounds shallow, but come on … HAVE YOU SEEN TAYLOR LAUTNER’S ABS?!
They’re like the exaggerated abs on a Batman suit, except he’s not
wearing a Batman suit!

The marauding pack of wolfboys that Jacob runs with is actually
quite funny. They spend their time traipsing around the woods wearing
cut-off shorts and pushing each other off of cliffs (although they do
pause for the occasional muffin). When they transform into werewolves,
they are actually pretty, almost friendly looking dogs. I would be
comfortable playing fetch or jogging with one of the Twilight werewolves. They do not invoke fear in any way, unless you have a fear
of cartoonish CGI. Don’t laugh; it’s a feasible phobia for those of us
who are, say, employed in the graphic arts.

I actually found myself liking this nonsense during the middle part,
as Bella rebuilds motorcycles with Jacob, and things are relatively
chill. Then Edward reappears to poop on the fabulous ab party by
threatening to commit suicide when he thinks Bella is dead.

Director Chris Weitz drops all sorts of Romeo and Juliet references (in case you don’t see the suicide parallel)—subtle
references, like Bella reading a copy of Romeo and Juliet, or
Bella watching the movie Romeo and Juliet in class. I think it
was somewhere around the 10th or 11th reference when I finally got the
idea. I’m slow sometimes, or maybe I was just being lulled into a
stupor by the energy-sucking vortex that is the Stewart-Pattinson
combo.

In the end, this series isn’t really about sexy vampires and
werewolves at all. It’s about a teenager with serious codependency
issues who can’t be left alone for a goddamn minute. As soon as Edward
scrams, Bella is clinging to Jacob. When Edward comes back, Jacob is
left behind, yet Bella still loves him and needs him. When both are
away, she sits in a chair and mopes. Seriously: There’s a scene in
which Bella watches the seasons pass through a picture window as she
sits in a half-comatose state.

One must also ask: What the heck is going on with Stewart’s
hysterical love spasms? Many of us have experienced that burning,
painful, yearning love that affects us physically, but Stewart plays it
like she has dysentery.

Michael Sheen shows up near the end as an ancient vampire king of
some sort, and you’ll find yourself wishing the whole movie were about
him, because he’s cool. Dakota Fanning also shows up near the end as a
vampire, and you’ll find yourself thankful that whole movie
isn’t about her, because she’s creepy in a way that doesn’t
improve the movie. (Fanning and Stewart are starring alongside each
other in the upcoming The Runaways, about the legendary teenage
band. God help us if they can’t perk up for that one.)

No doubt: Twilight films are going to be coming at us for a
while. We need a campaign to make Stewart happier; everybody needs to
send her love on Facebook or cookies to her house. While you are at it,
send her some glasses, too, because Taylor is way dreamier than
Robert.

This article appears in Nov 26 – Dec 2, 2009.