Scrambled Men

In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, John Gray puts a
planetary spin on gender differences, arguing that men and women are so
unalike that they could have come from different worlds. His book has a
catchy title, sold millions of copies and is a thought-provoking
read.

However, from my point of view, it frequently misses the spaceship.
Of course men and women have their differences, but my experience tells
me that these dissimilarities aren’t nearly as significant as some
might think. Most of the men and women I’ve known have homes on both
planets—and several others, for that matter—and they often
have similar tales to tell.

In her new book, The Gift of Betrayal: How to Heal Your Life When
Your World Explodes, Tucson psychiatrist Eve Wood explores the
painful and confusing ramifications of marital infidelity. Like her
previous two books—infectiously cheerful guides to personal
growth—this one is overflowing with empathy, enthusiasm and
encouraging success stories. It offers lots of sagacious suggestions to
help people not only survive the implosion of a marriage, but to
actually grow from it.

It also offers an assortment of not-so-sagacious notions on gender
differences that seem a bit incongruous coming from a therapist of
Wood’s caliber. More like a Roseanne Barr routine without the laughs,
this material is an asteroid belt of clichés, stereotypes and
washed-out social myths that consigns the sexes to different solar
systems.

For Wood, this topic strikes painfully close to home. Shortly before
she began writing the book, her own marriage fell apart following her
husband’s betrayal, and she found herself in a whirlpool of despair.
Writing the book was undoubtedly an important element in her recovery,
but Wood got the ball rolling by looking for the opportunity in the
disaster.

“When my world exploded,” she reports, “I was overwhelmed and
afraid. I suffered and struggled a lot. But all the while, I chose to
focus on the positive—to grasp the gift, to articulate it, and to
make it real.”

The first step, she says, in making it real is to begin believing
that a happy future is possible. Most of the chapters approach that
restorative belief from different angles.

Wood discusses sociopathic spouses, the often unconscious factors
that lead people into bad marriages, marital meltdown as a doorway to
self-discovery, how forgiveness functions in recovery, intuition and
affirmations, taking risks, empowering our dreams, drawing pleasure and
passion into our lives, and the magic of living in the moment.

“We all have so much to celebrate in this moment,” she says,
“and the more we let go of our attachment to worry, expectation and
self-doubt, the easier it becomes for us to allow our uninhibited,
hopeful, joyful selves to emerge. We can all be happy right now.”

Her ordeal behind her, Wood appears to now have an ample supply of
joy. She’s remarried now, to a man she seems crazy about, but based on
Wood’s depiction of men, some readers may wonder why she was so quick
to invite one of those guys back into her life.

According to Wood, a man is essentially a capricious child,
incapable of being a woman’s best friend or confidante, because his
brain is not capable of relating to her emotionally.
Men—conquest-happy buffoons that they are—have only two
emotional settings—OK and angry—and, having much less
mental capacity than women, “don’t usually know why they do
things.”

“They’re not like us,” Wood says, “Emotional intensity scrambles
their brains on a regular basis. They can’t think straight.
Remember that they have one-track minds. Their cognitive functions get
easily clouded, and they say and do stupid things to create space. …
They can’t process what you’re telling them.”

Not surprisingly, Wood also believes the widely circulated claim
that men never ask for directions. (I ask for directions all the
time—sometimes when I’m not even lost … but I’m neurotic.)
Thankfully, Wood feels that men are good for some things: exhibiting
bravado, fixing stuff, cracking jokes, buying flowers and, most of all,
sex.

Overall, this is a great book. It has lots of insight about healing
from marital trauma and building a new and bountiful life. It’s written
from a woman’s perspective, but it’s a book that can be useful to men
as well—if they can get past a couple of dubious chapters.

But, of course, I’m a man, so I’m probably just being defensive. You
know how we are.

This article appears in Aug 6-12, 2009.