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Revenge Of The Mall MonsterBy Leo BanksOKAY, HERE'S THE situation, and it's not pretty: You're at the Tucson Mall. (Don't ask why. This is Tucson. Everybody malls.) You have three hours to kill, but your tyke--let's say he's 2--is having the toddler equivalent of a bad hair day. Everything is "No!" No, I don't want candy! No, I've had it up to here with fun! He's determined to make you suffer until the day ends, sometime around 3 a.m. when he crawls into your bed and pees on you. It's safe to say you're firmly in the grip of a...Mall Monster. Only a highly skilled animal trainer in skin-tight leotards, or a savvy parent, can handle this beast of burden. Tips: Start him off at the food court for a box of curly fries and a chocolate shake. Sounds backwards, doesn't it? Ah, but there's method to this doctor's madness. He gets an initial buzz, sure, but by the time you're ready to depart, he's coming down like a jumper at the Golden Gate. (Time spent: 45 minutes) Next, let him ride up and down on the escalator two or three times, then strap him onto the carousel outside the food court. As every parent knows, any conveyance in which junior must be strapped-in is a wonderful thing. After that, give him a fistful of pennies and let him toss them into the fountain behind the carousel. The cascading water is mesmerizing, and for adults, there's a symmetry to the idea of throwing money away. It's what malls are about. (Time spent for all three activities: 45 minutes) Next, put him into the stroller--always use a stroller or none of this will work--and head for the Disney Store. A great place. The colors stimulate. The video wallpaper enthralls. The little one can always go to the back of the store and hug a stuffed Winnie-the-Pooh bear. Don't underestimate this. In terms of sheer joy, it's the adult equivalent of the perfect parking space. The help at Disney are understanding, too. They know that lots of people come in the door just for giggles, with no intention of buying. They smile. You smile. And nobody blows the whistle to Michael Eisner. (Time spent: 30 minutes) Another spot, widely unknown and underrated, is the Warner Bros. Store. It's almost a carbon-copy of the Disney store, with one exception--Marvin's Rocket. This is a tube-shaped enclosure, about 12 feet long, at the back of the store. Kids crawl inside and press buttons that activate all sorts of whistles and beeps, as well as the voices of Warner's cartoon characters. The kid is in sensory heaven. (Time spent: 30 minutes) Begin the wind-down process. Walk the concourse, end to end, both levels. Notice the effects of the curly fries and shake wearing off as junior settles back into the stroller, eyelids like anvils. (Time spent: 30 minutes)
Once back in his car seat, Mall Monster is transformed into a
bundle of exhaustion. He falls asleep in the car on the way home.
Mission accomplished, Mr. Phelps.
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