GREAT NEWS!!! It's wonderful to be living here in fabulous Tucson during these, the cumulative years of the momentous 20th century. So many futuristic things are coming true that our little heads are all a-tizzy.
We have that wonderful Central Arizona Project to give us all the semi-potable water we'll ever need for continued rapid growth; our roads are expanding like crazy to handle the thousands and thousands of new people flocking here from all parts of America, but mostly from that other fabulous place, California; and to employ them all, high-paying, fascinating jobs involving an amazingly high-tech instrument, the telephone, are being created here by many caring, gigantic corporations. Also, beautiful big stucco subdivisions are going up left and right, hiding that nasty old desert once and for all, or at least taming it into a charming, diorama-like tidiness.
And, to top it all off, just the other day we received an expensive--and, we might add, very impressive--press packet from Diamond Key Homes!
Yes! Diamond Key Homes! One of America's fastest-growing homebuilders, according to Inc. magazine! More than 6,000 percent growth in the last five years! Isn't that just simply, fabulously wonderful?
The lovely green press packet's slick cover proudly features important words that tell it all: "1990-1995--FIVE YEARS OF EXCELLENCE."
Five whole years! Wow!
And inside, it's just chock-a-block full of useful information--every single thing we'd ever want to know about this fabulously wonderful company and its handsome, youngish CEO, the dynamically innovative Larry Clark, a former real estate syndicator--a profession that's right up there with Mother Teresa when it comes to helping humanity.
The packet proudly reveals what makes Clark such a winner: "He found success by identifying, investigating and copying ideas of successful subdivisions, incorporating minor changes to dress up curb appeal."
Now that's excellence in action, folks!
But we're especially impressed by Clark's quote in the packet. The one where he says, "We look at ourselves as a marketing company rather than a homebuilding company."
What a young and handsome genius! And generous--Clark's going to bring us all master-planned communities with far more curb appeal than we deserve. Hundreds and hundreds of homes in the next few years. The press packet tells us he's planning romantically named delights called "Desert Vista" at Tangerine and I-10, and "Diamond Point" at Tangerine and Rancho Vista Boulevard. We can hardly wait, Larry--if we may be so privileged as to call you Larry.
And might we add that we heartily concur with those immortal lines from your fabulously dynamic press packet:
"Social savvy is why, without exception, the employees of Diamond Key can hardly wait to show up at the office each morning; why each is an avid cheerleader for its [its?-they are human, aren't they, Larry? Robots are still a couple years away, right?] firm's products; and why each, when asked what has made Diamond Key a success, states firmly, "Larry Clark."
Yes, it's great to be alive in the Old Pueblo at this time in our history, when men of large vision like Larry Clark are here to usher us firmly into a brighter, newer, master-planned tomorrow from which there is no escape.
And, Larry, sir, we at The Skinny sincerely hope your socially savvy employees will be sending us more dynamically wonderful press packets (in lieu of a few measly advertising dollars for our humble publication, of course) because, well, it's just an honor to write about your wonderfulness, sir.
BASS FISHING IN COLUMBIA: Sooo, Ed Bass, godfather of the world's largest terrarium, was up at his New Age pet Biosphere 2 communing with Columbia University. We thought he was looking for the source of what we hear is one of the most impressive stands of cockroaches to have ever graced the great indoors. We hear there was a little bit of scurrying done for Mr. Bass, too, right up to apparently replacing the cheap sheets they had in the ranch house on the property so the Texas billionaire could sleep better. He probably wanted to make sure there were no cooties left over from that earlier bunch that led the first big sleepover inside the bubble.
But we are shocked, shocked, that the University of Arizona let Ed Bass and his generous bucks slip through its research-greased fingers. We thought for sure they'd make a play for the eco-dome. Now a bunch of New Yorkers will come in and enjoy what they're dubbing the Biosphere 2 Center Inc. of Columbia University. Where was master dealsman Donald Pitt when we needed him?
And how come officials of the UA's proposed new undergraduate college, Screw U, didn't look into the place? They're interested in property that's off the beaten path, and what better quarters for undergrads with a tenureless faculty than a half-dead, cockroach-infested savannah with a gift shop and restaurant? With all the third-rate professors working under glass, Screw U's Big Brotherish administration could have kept a close watch over them. And there's plenty of land left up there to blight with parking lots.
Anyway, we hope Columbia can rehab our favorite roach motel and bring back the history of the first crew entombed there. When clerks at Bio 2 were asked recently about the first crew of Biospherians, who are conspicuously absent in available literature on site, they quickly responded that the first stay "was a success." Of course it was.
Let's hope they serve New York-style pizza in the café this time around.
DON'T LET JUST ANYBODY MEET HIM: Following up on his surprise third-place finish in Tucson's CityVote presidential preference poll, GOP presidential candidate Steve Forbes came to town and held an invitation-only press conference at the Arizona Inn. Whomever the Forbes campaign got to handle the affair had about 40 people show up --probably Pima County GOP Chair Rex Waite's Christmas card list. Hey, they didn't want just anybody meeting their guy.
The Forbes operative didn't even know the Arizona Inn has been the unofficial gathering place for the Democratic Party since Congresswoman Isabella Greenway built the sucker.
Steve, you haven't done politics before, so here's a hint. Arizona has a primary coming up in February--and even though it doesn't choose delegates for the convention, you still want to do well. And this time, you'll have candidates campaigning against you.
Next time you come visit, invite all the 8,000 or so people who just voted for you. Do it with a newspaper ad or some more radio spots--you've got plenty of those anyway. Have the rally in a public park. Meet the real folks. It's called democracy--and good politics.
MAMMY YOKUM, KAMIKAZE PILOT? We've reported that former Marana council member Ora "Mammy Yokum" Harn had been talked out of seeking the GOP nomination for Ed Moore's District 3 supervisor's seat. The mail was reportedly carried by Pima County GOP First Vice-Chair Toni Hellon, giving Amphi School Board member Vicki Cox-Golder a bigger piece of developer money against Special Ed and Ann Holden next September.
But reports of Mammy's death may be exaggerated. She was supposedly offered support for a state Senate race in District 11 in trade for dropping the supervisor bid.
We always thought members of the Dogpatch Council had massive delusions of relevance, but any GOP candidate running in District 11 will get creamed by any Democrat because it's a heavily Democratic district.
And Harn won't just be running against anybody. The probable Democratic candidate is state Rep. Elaine Richardson, one of the more savvy and popular Democrats in Pima County.
Whatever she was promised, Mammy got hustled.
DUPNIK VS. THE DINGBAT: Pima County Sheriff Clarence Dupnik is a pretty laid-back guy who usually goes out of his way to avoid an unnecessary fight. But Supervisor Special Ed Moore finally got to him.
The issue was the need for a communications antenna that could reach into the Hidden Valley area. Currently, that's a blind spot for sheriff's communications. The only solution, after both the sheriff's staff, an outside consultant and the City of Tucson's staff studied the problem, was a hilltop in Supervisor Paul Marsh's district. All the experts agreed that due to the unique configuration of the mountains, that's the only place it would work.
All the experts except Moore, that is.
Moore delayed the condemnation suit on the parcel, one which already contained a city water tower higher than the 30 feet the antenna needs to be. He did so in response to a small group of neighbors led by an attorney who once represented Moore in another of those wacko lawsuits he files at taxpayer expense. The neighbors didn't want the antenna, and claimed possible radiation pollution-- even though the small disc generates the same power as a cellular phone. Moore demanded more information, attacked Dupnik's staff for not providing it, and played his standard broken record of yelling "corruption" and "liars."
Moore works his standard attack like this: When he demands from you all the information on a subject, and that information doesn't include proof that his predisposition is correct, you have lied and withheld information.
Why is it, despite the protests of his own constituents, Moore could have cared less about antennas when he voted to approve a 100-foot tower for a cellular phone relay in his own district a while back. Perhaps because the tower was to go on land owned by one of his contributors?
Anyway, this finally got to be enough for Dupnik, and an acrimonious exchange took place between the two. Shortly afterward, the supes passed the condemnation.
Dupnik is a patient man and a class act. But he'd also apparently had it with the fact that Moore has publicly called for him to arrest Governor J. Fife Deadbeat III last month and to stand by to arrest Tucson Mayor George Miller in case he didn't implement Prop 200 in a manner Moore found legal.
Just in case Ed hasn't noticed, sheriffs are elected around here, and they're not subject to the psychotic whims of supervisors.
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