- Last week in Philadelphia,
a 22-year-old father of one and a 21-year-old mother of two were
shot to death after an argument broke out over who is the best
point guard in the National Basketball Association: Allen Iverson
of the 76ers, or Gary Payton of the Seattle SuperSonics.
I found out not too long ago that everybody has to die, even
Walt Disney. This is an unpleasant thought, but if I have to die,
there are a couple ways I don't want to go. After reading The
Perfect Storm, I damn sure don't want to drown.
But mostly I don't want to die because of weather. You know how
you hear stuff on the news: "The storm is being blamed for
seven deaths." Or like when the summer temperature in Chicago
goes above 80 degrees and every "natural causes" death
is blamed on the "killer heat wave" so that the aldermen
can get their hands on some federal disaster funds and hire a
few more nephews.
Those would be bad ways to go, but this case in Philly is almost
as horrible. Imagine losing your life over such a silly argument.
It's a tragic, senseless loss.
Especially when everybody knows that John Stockton is the best
point guard in the NBA.
- Senator John Kerrey (D-Mass.) got himself in some hot
water last week when, after being asked by Don Imus about the
worsening situation in Iraq, cracked, "The Iraqis have no
business (acting tough). Their army is in such disarray, the Italians
could beat them."
I'm sorry, but that's funny.
No wait, my mother's Italian; she and her family came over on
the boat, did the Ellis Island shuffle and everythang. Taken in
that light...I'm sorry, but that crack is still funny.
Unfortunately, some of my Italian-American brethren didn't think
so. They threatened Kerrey and his party with political reprisals
in upcoming elections.
C'mon guys, lighten up. Italy does suck at war; it has since
Hannibal snuck up on 'em from the rear. (Sounds like a Quentin
Tarantino prison movie.)
Remember: lovers, not fighters. Heck, Italians are great at art,
music, literature and architecture. Great singers, great actors,
great cooks, great criminals. Plus, we've got Frank Sinatra, who
qualifies for at least three of the previous categories. So what
if we're bad at war and government? Who wants to be good at government,
anyway?
We're even good at parallel parking, mostly because after all
those wars, we've had lots of practice backing up.
- I have to give credit where it's due. The Star
did a great job with its preseason basketball supplement. I really
enjoyed reading it. However, the editors fooled a lot of people
by not making it the normal, tabloid size like Starlight,
which everybody takes out on Fridays and throws away with all
the ads for oil changes.
This time the basketball supplement looked like one of those
furniture ads that you take out on Thursdays and throw away with
the ads for real estate services.
I had to dig mine out of the trash only after seeing on the front
page that there was supposed to be a supplement inside. Fortunately
none of us drinks coffee so there weren't any of the stereotypical
coffee grounds in the trash. And there weren't any egg shells
either, mostly because we don't have any pepperoni in the house
and who would eat eggs without pepperoni thrown in to kill the
egg taste?
- The Arizona Interscholastic Association has done it again.
And again. The governing body of high school sports in the state
is notorious for arrogance, screw-ups and bureaucratic snafus.
With the state's population exploding, new high schools are being
added to the ranks at the rate of one or two a year. The big schools
are in Class 5A while the smallest ones are in Class 1A. The largest
group of schools are in Class 4A, with enrollments roughly between
1,200 and 1,800 students.
Last year the AIA decided to expand the state football playoffs
to allow more schools to compete. Since there were more schools
in the 4A, it was decided that the 4A playoffs would feature 21
teams, while the 5A would stay at 16.
Then, with just a couple weeks left in the regular season, the
AIA announced that, aw heck, let's just stay with 16 and have
a week off between the semi-finals and the championship games.
You other five schools can start practicing for next year.
Then, they turned to the 5A. In the past, there had been five
Class 5A conferences around the state. Each conference would send
three teams to the playoffs, and, on a rotating basis, one conference
would send a fourth.
This year, they increased to six conferences. Logic would tell
you that each conference would then be guaranteed two slots and
four of the six would get a third team in the playoffs. But no.
The AIA decided to let the huge Mesa schools bully the state.
The Class 5A now uses some Machiavellian point system to determine
who goes to state.
As a result only the undefeated Amphi Panthers get to go to state
from the 5A-South, meaning the other five conferences get to split
up the other 15 playoff slots. And you thought Phoenix only bullied
Tucson in politics and taxation.
- As much as I hate to do it, I have to admit I was wrong
about something. Last Wednesday night I turned on ABC to watch
Ellen to give it one last chance. I'd been dogging the
show pretty hard and I felt it was the right thing to do. Maybe
I had just happened to see the 27 sucko episodes and had missed
the really funny ones.
Well, I watched it and I must admit I laughed pretty hard. It's
relatively standard sitcom fare with the central character surrounded
by a collection of zany buddies. But it was amusing and somewhat
charming.
I was kinda disappointed by the subplot where the frumpy main
character has a very attractive girlfriend. Seems kinda far-fetched.
Still and all, it was funny and I'll probably tune in next week.
Uh-oh. I just checked the TV Guide. That wasn't Ellen.
It was Drew Carey.
Never mind.
