Goofer Twofer

DATING IS SUCH a pain, even when you've got brains. But it's really hell for stupid people, who generally wind up spending weekend nights diddling their small appliances at home alone.

But now there's help for dummies in the form of two little books: pick-up lines and the apparent sequel, dating ideas, $7.95, each from Andrews and McMeel, a Universal Press Syndicate Company.

Contained within these tiny tomes (each about the size of the business end of a fly swatter) are all the little utterances the cogitatively disadvantaged might need to ignite the damp shavings of lust into a sputtering, mediocre romance.

In all fairness, pick-up lines is subtitled the best and worst on planet earth, and there are some doozies here. Our favorite:

"You're like a prize-winning bass. I don't know whether to mount you or eat you."

That should get him/her naked at the Box-X Motel in a Jiffy-Lube moment, no? Or how about:

"Do you like candy? 'Cause I've got a Milky Way for you."

And once you've strapped on that clunky old relationship toolbelt, what's to do? Well according to dating ideas, the two of you might want to:

"Travel back in time to your senior year in high school. Decorate a room with streamers, set up a bowl of punch, dress in old formals, and dance to music from your graduating years. Or crash your old high school prom and attend it again."

Or, better yet, stay home and diddle your small appliances. TW

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