Tucson Weekly: New Year, New Story? (March 19

New Year, New Story?

The NCAA Tourney Is A Feast Of Upsets And Exciting Finishes.
By Tom Danehy
THE SWEET 16 teams, in descending order of their likelihood to win the national championship:
16. Valparaiso. Guys, you don't even have the name of your school spelled right on your jerseys. Still, a great Cinderella story. Now go home.
15. Maryland. Mostly because they play Arizona next, so it's their turn for that whuppin' they just need to take.
Danehy Let me pause here to tell you about sportswriters and why athletes hate them so much. In the words of my dear late Daddy, most sportswriters aren't smart enough to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were written on the bottom.
See, sportswriters (and 'casters) are real simple beings. They like bright colors, free stuff and easily recognizable patterns. That's why they've all picked up on this notion of Maryland being "this year's Arizona." No, you morons, Arizona is this year's Arizona.
It doesn't matter that the Cats were a fifth-place team in the Pac-10 last year, or that they were a No. 5 seed. They were a talented, fearless bunch of ballers who stormed through the NCAAs knowing in their hearts that they just weren't going to lose.
This is what makes the NCAA Tournament the best sports event of the year. Every year you'll have upsets and exciting finishes, but every year, in the end, it's a new story. Unfortunately, the vast majority of sports dolts go for the easy hook, the catchy phrase, the tantalizing sound bite. Calling Maryland "this year's Arizona" belittles what Arizona did last year, does a disservice to Maryland, and basically tells sports fans that they're not smart enough to handle new concepts. It's ridiculous.
14. Rhode Island. Yeah, I know, they beat Kansas. Well, apparently, who can't? Rhode Island might be able to beat Valparaiso and get into the Elite Eight, but after that, they'll get smacked up by either Purdue or Stanford.
And when you're watching Rhode Island play, think kind thoughts about Jim Harrick. If he hadn't been so arrogant with his phony expense accounts, we might not have had Steve Lavin to kick around at UCLA.
13. West Virginia. They won their miracle game with a banked-in three-pointer at the buzzer. Now they run into the tall white people from Utah and they go back home to their mountain mamas.
12. Michigan State. Mateen Cleaves is great fun to watch, but he can stink up a place worse than a biker bar on free burrito night. North Carolina survived their early-round scare and should handle the Spartans. Besides, State is from the Big 10, so they can't be for real.
11. Syracuse. Does anybody take the Big East seriously any more? Has anyone ever taken Syracuse seriously? Can a school whose most famous alum is Derrick Coleman ever win a big game? No!
10. Kentucky. I know UCLA's been squeaking by so far, but that's sometimes a good thing. Besides, this Kentucky team is smoke and mirrors, not nearly as good as the past two years. Coach Tubby Smith has done wonders, but now he's just done.
9. Connecticut. Call it a hunch. Call it wishful thinking. Hey James Ru, call it homophobia. I just have a feeling that Washington can beat UConn and advance to the round of eight. Referring back to the sportswriters and 'casters, see how many make note of the fact that both teams are the Huskies and then say, "Hey, I'll bet the Huskies win this game!" And then wipe their drool.
8. Purdue. I like Purdue Coach Gene Keady. He's nuts. He's got the three hairs on his head masquerading as a 'doo. He gets red in the face and veins pop out in his neck. And he made famous the concept of his players being junkyard dogs rather than poodles. The game with Stanford is a toss-up, but I'll go with the Pac-10 'cause it's a better conference.
7. Utah. Assuming they get by West Virginia (which, if you've been reading carefully, I do), they'll get ravaged by Arizona in the Eight. Michael Doleac is tough inside, but the Cats can lay three big bodies on him at a time. Plus, Utah's guards have a tendency to ignore Doleac at times. Big mistake.
6. UCLA. When UCLA played at Duke near the end of this season, the Blue Devils whupped the Bruins like they were their daddies, if you'll pardon the unclear antecedent. Some might think that would serve as inspiration for the Bruins to get even. I just think it'll stick in UCLA's head that they took one kicking and are about to take another.
5. Washington. I'd love to see it, but I don't think Washington's guards can keep up with Ed Cota of North Carolina. The Tar Heels have been exposed as vulnerable, but Washington would have to play a near-perfect game to beat them.
4. North Carolina. They have to play Arizona in the Final Four, so they get to lose first and worst. The Tar Heels are a good team, but Arizona is much better. What Michael Bibby will do to Ed Cota will be criminal. Jump shot after jump shot after nearly uncontested jump shot. Plus, who's going to guard that Miles Simon fella? Remember him, he's the one who got pushed aside while the media chose to grovel at Bibby's feet this season? But as far as I remember, Simon is still the reigning Final Four MVP. I don't think he'd mind repeating.
3. Duke. They're not bad. They're better than everybody else in their region, but they can't beat Stanford. Local fans here have a jaded view of the Cardinal because the Cats spanked 'em so hard. The Cardinal has the guards to shut down the Duke long-range game and the big people to pound the Devils into submission.
2. Stanford. Yes, an all-Pac-10 Finals. Stanford only has four losses all year and only one to a team from a state other than Arizona. Could be close, probably won't be.
1. Arizona. The Cats are scary good. They just might tiptoe through this mess without anybody laying a serious glove on them.
And didn't we just know that all along?

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