It's The Game Show That Makes Mincemeat Of TV Ratings!
By Tom Danehy
I'LL TAKE BLUNDERS for $400, Alex." A. This is the biggest blunder in the history of local television in the United States.
Arline: What is McLean Stevenson leaving M*A*S*H to star in Hello, Larry?
Alex: No. (Pause) (Beep-beep) Arline, that's the biggest blunder in national TV history. The correct response is: What is KGUN-TV, Channel 9's moving Jeopardy to 4:30 p.m.?
PEOPLE for $800...
A. One of two groups who'll be able to watch Jeopardy at its new time.
Kim: Who are MBAs who work the late-night shift at bookstores and/or coffee houses?
Alex: That's correct! The other group is Ricki Lake fans who are either too lazy or too stupid to get off the couch after watching an hour of overweight women duking it out.
...MULTIPLE CHOICE for $600...
A. Brain damage, rabid anti-intellectualism, or a failing grade in "Counter Programming 101."
Bill: What are the only possible reasons for putting Jeopardy at 4:30 p.m. so that the KGUN 5 p.m. newscast can be expanded to a full hour?
Alex: Correct! Choose again.
...NUMBERS for $400...
A. Forty more IQ points and 10 percent fewer Nielsen ratings boxes.
Arline: What's the difference between Jeopardy fans and those who prefer Wheel of Fortune?
...LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATORS...
A. The only possible reason for putting Wheel of Fortune at 6:30 p.m. instead of Jeopardy.
Kim: What is: The station manager is the only person in America who still thinks Vanna White is attractive?
Alex: That's not the answer we're looking for. Bill?
Bill: What is to provide a smooth transition for such low-brow prime-time fare as Family Matters, Grace Under Fire and the suddenly-atrocious Roseanne?
...LOCAL NEWS for $800...
A. Aside from the Jeopardy snafu, this is the biggest mistake in Tucson local TV news history.
Kim: What is leaving Alfo and Kathy Randall alone together at a Christmas party?
...FLUFF for $800...
A. Recipes, gardening tips, and fashion updates.
Arline: What will KGUN use to fill up that extra half-hour of its nightly newscast?
...FLUFF for $1,000...
A. Nudie bars.
Kim: What will KGUN use to fill up that extra half-hour of its nightly newscast during sweeps month?
...COMMON BONDS for $800...
A. Dick Morris, Mrs. Michael Jackson, and whoever it was who decided to move Jeopardy.
Bill: Who are the three stupidest people of 1996?
Alex: That's correct. We also would have accepted: Who are three people who have never been in Cliff Claven's kitchen?
...BEDLAM for $1,000...
A. Rioting in the streets.
Arline: How people in Los Angeles react to every jury-trial verdict?
Alex: That's incorrect. They only act that way with most verdicts, not all. Kim?
Kim: What's going on in Belgrade right now?
Alex: No. According to the official Serbian news agency, nothing is going on in Belgrade right now. A few college students have gathered in a square to swap soccer trading cards. Bill?
Bill: What will happen in Tucson with Jeopardy being moved to 4:30?
Alex: Also incorrect. Jeopardy fans are much too civilized for that. So we have no harm, no foul. All three of you lost $1,000. The correct response is: What would it have looked like if the Republicans had tried to do the Macarena at their convention?
...FAILURES for $600...
A. This is the reason why the petition drive to get Jeopardy put back at its old time failed.
Arline: What is: They put John Kromko in charge of it?
Alex: Yes! Okay, here we are for the Final Jeopardy round. The players have written down their wagers. The Final Jeopardy category is MOTIVATIONS. Players, please remember to phrase your response in the form of a question. The Final Jeopardy answer is: The real reason why somebody at Channel 9 decided to expand the news to an hour and bump Jeopardy.
(Readers: Do the Jeopardy theme in your head here.)
Alex: Let's go to Bill.
Bill: What is to impress Jodie Foster?
Alex: That's incorrect.
Kim: What is because Patty Weiss dared her to?
Alex: That's also incorrect.
Arline: What is because the boss at Channel 9 has stock in the companies that make VCRs?
Alex: That's incorrect. You all have $1 left. We have tri-champions at $1 each. Looks like you three will have to go back to your jobs reffing basketball on Sundays.
The correct response is: Who the hell knows?
Thanks for watching, all you unfulfilled MBAs and Ricki Lake leftovers. See you tomorrow....
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