What's Swat, Doc?

The question for U.S. surgeon general nominee Richard Carmona is . . . what's the question again?

President Bush's nominee for U.S. surgeon general is a little cranky these days. The only attention he is receiving is for "inventing" emergency preparedness in Tucson as touted in the pep talks he gives at City Council offices with Assistant Fire Chief Les Caid.

Elias Zerhouni, whose nomination as Bush's appointee to lead the National Institutes of Health was announced the same day as Carmona's, breezed through his confirmation hearing before the U.S. Senate Committee on Health, Education, Labor and Pensions on April 30.

Carmona is still in the waiting room. He can hang out in the cushy confines of his special sheriff's office or at the Coronado spread made possible by that cool $3 million that his court battle with TMC and some rival docs produced seven years ago. But, improbably, the Senate committee reportedly is awaiting more information and background reports before scheduling Carmon's session. We have to ask: Does Sylvia Campoy ever sleep? Or does she multi-task, as they say, at the City Hall annex in Pioneer Plaza?

We've been privileged to learn from inside sources what our friend the SWAT Doc is facing from the Senate committee interrogators. Here's the script:

Committee Chair Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass.: "Welcome, doctor, er, bienvenidos! Uh, how're the knees? Mine are bothering me. But to the point, in a rollover, do you prefer a Chevy Lumina or an Olds 88?"

Sen. Judd Gregg of New Hampshire, the ranking Republican: "Blue chip or tech? Cisco or Intel?"

Sen. Christopher Dodd, D-Conn.: "Quién es mas macho? Sharon or Arafat? Osama or Saddam? Lloyd Bridges or Jeff Bridges? Spider-Man or Superman? Bill or Hillary?"

Sen. Pat Roberts, R-Kan., and a Marine who did a four-year tour: "Doctor, would you recommend PlusP loads for personal carry or is simple 190-grain HP sufficient in your .45? And as a follow-up, should all emergency room personnel who've undergone the appropriate training be armed or just those who served in the military?"

Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y.: "What did you think of my appearance at Sunnyside? What do you think of Chuck? I mean, Sen. Schumer?"

Sen. Mike Enzi, R-Wyo.: "Deer or elk?"

Sen. Paul Wellstone, D-Minn.: "I'm funny? Funny how? Funny, ha ha?"

Sen. John Warner, R-Va.: "Diet? Could you have helped Liz?"

Jeff Bingaman, D-N.M.: "La Jolla or Carlsbad?"

Jeff Sessions, R-Ala.: "Tortious interference or breach of contract?"

James Jeffords, Independent of Vermont: "I've always had trouble making a firm decision. Could it be physical?"

Barbara Mikulski, D-Md.: "Trojans or Sheiks?"

Bill Frist, R-Tenn.: "Gatorade or POWERade? Mattel or Hasbro?"

John Edwards, D-N.C.: "I want to be president. Who are your press agents?"

Kennedy: "As you know, doc, we've taken a good, long look at your background. Who the hell is Sylvia Campoy?"

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