So many dicks this year. Kevin Spacey is a dick. Matt Lauer is a dick. Charlie Rose? He's a dick. Garrison Keiler? Dick. Harvey Weinstein—big, big dick. Even George H.W. Bush and his "David Cop-a-feel!" routine—yep, he's a dick. Journalists, movie stars, politicians—dicks, dicks, dicks. The president of the United States? A giant, giant dick. Please, everyone: Pull up your pants. Stop grabbing asses and tits. And in 2018: Don't be such a dick.
THE LOVE THAT DARE NOT SPEAK ITS NAME
In a secret recording, Republican Congresswoman Martha McSally was heard complaining that people consider her attached to Donald Trump. "And all of a sudden on Jan. 20, I'm like his twin sister. ...I'm, like, responsible for everything he does and tweets and says." One analysis found that the congresswoman votes with Trump 97.3 percent of the time.
THE MAYOR IN THE PRIUS, WHO SAYS POETRY WILL FREE US, MEETS A DANGEROUS MAN WITH A GUN. DON'T WORRY ABOUT CRIME, AS LONG AS THERE'S RHYME, THE PEN WILL TAME THE HUN.
On a Saturday morning in the Sam Hughes neighborhood, a man carjacked Tucson Mayor Jonathan Rothschild, stealing his city-owned Toyota Prius at gunpoint. The city leader blinked the stars out of his eyes and said he hoped the incident didn't hurt the city's reputation, seemingly unaware that Tucson is already known for its higher-than-average crime rates.
THE STREETS OF THE NAKED PUEBLO
Reward Expert, a finance and travel website, named Tucson the sixth most dangerous big city in the country. Using several indices, from crime stats and public safety, to health hazards, natural disasters and financial risks, the site studied 83 cities with populations of more than 3,000. Researchers noted that Tucson's homicide rate is above the national average, and the city ranked poorly on unemployment, and for firearm and automobile fatalities.
GOING TO THE MALL IS SUCH A SWELL TIME
WalletHub named Tucson the 26th most fun city in the U.S. Using entertainment and recreation; nightlife and parties; and costs as criteria, the company's possibly intoxicated analysts listed Tucson as more fun than Phoenix, Scottsdale, Tempe, Dallas, Boston, San Antonio, and Reno, Nevada, among others.
FAMILY FEUD IS RIGHT
Comedian Steve Harvey, host of TV's Family Feud and a TV talk show, sent a memo to his talk show staff telling them to leave him the hell alone. Harvey, who has made millions portraying himself as a smiling everyman, wrote:
"There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE. Do not come to my dressing room unless invited. Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED. ... Do not wait in the hallway to speak to me. ... and do not attempt to walk with me." He concluded his charming missive by asking everyone not to take offense.
IF HE'S TIGHT WITH A JEWISH CARPENTER, WHY DID HE NEED A JEWISH SHRINK?
Pope Francis publicly acknowledged that as a younger man he had a number of weekly sessions with a Jewish psychoanalyst "to clarify some things."
WHEN THE ROSE WILTS
For the first time in its 30-year history, ASU's journalism school announced that it was revoking the Walter Cronkite Award for Excellence in Journalism that it had bestowed on longtime PBS and CBS News anchor Charlie Rose. At least eight women accused Rose of various acts of sexual harassment.
The wrinkled old fool, 75, apparently thought it a good idea to parade around his chi-chi New York apartment showing off his microscopic geezer-parts to female co-workers.
WE'LL SPARE THE ROD AND JUST CALL HIM RICH
UA football coach Rich Rodriguez is the fifth highest paid coach in college football this year, with a pay package totaling $6,031,563.
IT'S A UFO—UNIDENTIFIED FLYING ORGAN
Navy officials apologized after a pilot stationed at the Naval Air Station Whidbey Island in Okanogan County, Washington, drew a penis and ball-sack package in the sky with the contrails from his jet. After a mom complained about having to explain the obscene image to her kids, the Navy said the sky dong was "absolutely unacceptable."
WWE FOR THE TOOTHLESS
Two pissed-off old crows went at it in the checkout line at a Green Valley Walmart. News reports say a 91-year-old woman put her opponent, a 67-year-old with a walker, in a chokehold after the latter complained that the older woman had cut in front of her in the checkout line.
The 67-year-old called the first woman rude, then turned her walker around to sit and wait, accidently bumping the other, reports say. She apologized, but the 91-year-old, believing it no accident, got behind walker-woman and put her in a chokehold.
The 91-year-old reportedly told police, "I was just going to choke her to death if she pushed that cart on me again."
SHE'S GOT A PRESCRIPTION PAD AND KNOWS HOW TO USE IT
Hoping to replace Jeff Flake as a U.S. senator from Arizona, Kelli Ward, a doctor, said she wanted to make America great again by serving "as a conservative, as a populist, as an Americanist, as a scurrilous nationalist." Ward, who lost a primary race to John McCain in 2016, also called for an investigation of the plumes behind jets, fearing the "chemtrails" might be an attempt to poison the public.
NATURE'S FASTEST-ACTING LAXATIVE
Darren Sumner, publisher of Oklahoma's Sapulpa Herald newspaper, got the surprise of his life when, answering the call of nature, he walked into the bathroom adjoining his newsroom and was greeted by a hissing bobcat. The animal jumped at Sumner, whose urgent need to use the bathroom probably increased tenfold. The publisher fled and called authorities.
THEY PLAYED PIN THE TAIL ON MR. JOHNSON
Gayle Newland, a 27-year-old British woman, was sentenced to prison for sexual assault for posing as a man by strapping on a fake penis and tricking a female friend into having sex. News reports say the unnamed victim always wore a blindfold in her encounters with Newland, who posed as a man named Kye Fortune. Until she took off the blindfold, the woman said she never "thought for one second that a woman was the person behind this."
KISS OF DEATH
A woman visiting her boyfriend in the Oregon State Penitentiary ended their session with a long smooch, during which Melissa Ann Blair transferred seven tiny balloons filled with methamphetamine into Anthony Powell's mouth. Two of the balloons ruptured in his stomach and poisoned Powell to death. Blair was sentenced to two years behind bars.
BECCA FOR CONGRESS!
For eight years, a teenage girl posed as online sports writer Ryan Schultz, scoring writing gigs that included blogging about the Chicago White Sox, according to the website Deadspin. Born Becca Schultz, she first adopted the Ryan Schultz persona at age 13.
As if that weren't weird enough, she allegedly got drunk and harassed women on Twitter. Writing as Ryan, Becca told a woman she was in love with her and threatened self-harm if she didn't send nude pictures.
The woman, identified as Sarah by Deadspin, took Ryan's threat seriously and forked over the nudes. Later, Sarah said, "If you're going to make up an entire false identity, why would you make yourself into a shitty person?"
KO FOR PRESIDENTT!
Former UA and USC basketball coach Kevin O'Neill, on traces of a banned substance still being found in UA player Allonzo Trier's system, said: "What did he take, kryptonite? Five months is a long time for anything to be in your system. Take it from a guy who has put a lot of things in his system."
TRAVIS BICKEL: "YOU TALKIN' TO ME?"
As he practiced "dry firing" in his hotel room in Nogales, a U.S. Customs and Border Protection officer shot a bullet through his bathroom mirror into the next room. The officer had removed the magazine from the pistol but forgot the live round in the chamber. The .40 caliber bullet slammed into a bulletin board next to where the man in the next room was sitting.
A GILA MONSTER ON FIFTH AVENUE
Responding to reports of a strange desert creature blocking traffic on New York's Fifth Avenue outside the home of Donald Trump, police found Arizona Congressman Raul Grijalva. He claimed to be upset that insufficient progress had been made in passing the DREAM Act, allowing undocumented immigrants brought here as kids to stay. Police arrested Grijalva.
WHY DOESN'T HE JUST USE THE ROCKS IN HIS HEAD?
A geologist sued authorities at Grand Canyon National Park after they refused his request to remove rocks from the great gorge to prove his belief that it was formed after the biblical flood that necessitated the building of Noah's Ark. Australian Andrew Snelling is a "young-earth creationist" with a doctorate in geology from the University of Sydney.
LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS OVER A COUPLE OF POPS
Research published in the British Medical Journal found that moderate drinking—the equivalent of one glass of wine per day—can cause noteworthy damage to the brain. Moderate drinkers are three times as likely to have reduced spatial navigation that can potentially lead to Alzheimer's and dementia. But those who quit drinking can see improved brain function, including generating new brain cells, within one year.
YOU MIGHT THINK SHE'S NOTHING BUT AN INTERNET CELEBRITY WITH A NOTEWORTHY BOD, BUT SHE'S ACTUALLY A GENIUS ENTREPRENEUR WITH A NOTEWORTHY BOD
Following an expert social media campaign, Kim Kardashian's new perfume line grossed $10 million its first day on sale, according to TMZ.
While appearing on TV's Dancing with the Stars, former Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan received a Tweet of encouragement from former teammate Kristi Yamaguchi. It read: "Can't wait to see you grace that ballroom floor. Break a leg."
Kerrigan is most famous for being bashed in the leg with a crowbar by a man hired by the ex-husband of fellow Team USA skater Tonya Harding
SPEAKING OF OUCH!
A scorpion fell from an overhead bin on a United Airlines flight from Houston to Calgary, Canada, and stung passengers Richard Bell. He said the bite felt like "a wasp sting."
HOLD THE BACON, PLEASE
A woman and her pig were asked to leave a US Airways plane in Connecticut. Passenger Jonathan Skolnik thought something was amiss when a woman carrying what he thought was a foul-smelling duffle bag sat next to him. The bag turned out to be a 70-pound pig on a leash that the woman traveled with for emotional support. "She tethered it to the arm rest next to me and started to deal with her stuff," said Skolnik. "But the pig was walking back and forth. I was terrified because I was thinking I'm gonna be on the plane with the pig."
FAST TIMES IN EL CHAPO'S JUNGLE
Mexican journalist Kate Del Castillo, who accompanied actor Sean Penn to a secret meeting with former Sinaloa cartel boss El Chapo Guzman, denied to Good Morning America that she had sex with the murdering dope pusher. But she admitted to sex with Penn, saying: "Sorry, but we're both adult, single, and something was going on and that was it. And it was business. And so there was sex, but there wasn't a relationship."
THE SGT. SCHULTZ DEFENSE NEEDS WORK
Get-off-my-lawn Sean Miller has refused to say much of anything to the media about the scandal rocking the UA basketball program. On Sept. 26, the FBI arrested longtime assistant Emanuel "Book" Richardson for allegedly paying players to come to the school. Miller has said only that he knew nothing about Richardson's alleged activities.
But in explaining how he and his coaches explain the scandal to potential recruits, Miller also said, "You have to talk to people, but only we know what happens on a daily basis in our program."
THIS ROAD VEERS WAY TO THE RIGHT
The Mohave County Board of Supervisors voted to rename a portion of Yellowstone Road near the northwest Arizona community of Cane Beds after LaVoy Finicum, one of the crazy ranchers who occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. Finicum was shot dead by police after a vehicle chase. His supporters call him a patriot who was murdered by authorities.
BACKBITING? FOR SHAME. BEHEADING? THAT'S OKAY.
A magazine put out by the terror group ISIS warned husbands and wives against talking behind each other's backs. Rumiyah, which normally prints fascinating how-two articles on mass murder, ventured into relationship tips, writing: "Backbiting is a disease of the tongue that only incurs ruin and loss."
UNLOADING SHOOTER'S GUN
Republican State Rep. Don Shooter got bounced as chairman of the House Appropriations Committee after numerous women alleged sexual harassment. Arizona Republic publisher Mi-Ai Parrish wrote that Shooter made an inappropriate comment during a meeting last year in his statehouse office. Shooter said he had done everything on his "bucket list" except for "those Asian twins in Mexico." To another representative, he allegedly referred to his genitalia as a "gun."