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Even This Column Was Late

A few weeks ago, I was running late to an appointment in Phoenix.

This isn't exactly new for me-I mean, I was born two weeks late. Things have only barely gotten better from there.

But this was an appointment to get sized for a suit for my best friend's wedding. Being late to that is the sort of act that gets you busted down from "best man" to "usher" pretty damn fast in some circles.

So naturally, I left five minutes before I had to be there.

In my infinite wisdom, to bypass a snarl of traffic, I tried to squeeze my fairly-sizeable Impala between an SUV and a sedan that had camped itself awkwardly in the fast lane.

My car made it. My passenger side mirror didn't. The high school kid who ran out to ask if I realized I hit his nana's car confirmed this.

A short trek to a nearby parking lot (and an unhappy chat with the grandmother whose Ford Explorer claimed my mirror) later, I found myself talking with the town PD. Apparently, the woman was under the impression that I was trying to bolt from the scene - a bit far-fetched, considering that we were not only at a red light, but I was boxed in on all sides. Apparently, the SS badging on my car stood for "Soaring Shuttle" in her mind.

After 45 minutes and an exchange with the cops that "no one is hurt, and this is a giant waste of our goddamn time," I was back on my way to the fitting.

When I got there, two things happened: I popped my mirror back into place (God bless mostly plastic cars!) and I ran into the suit shop to a round of applause - only 10 minutes late.

My friend, having known me since kindergarten, told me to show up half an hour before the scheduled appointment time. He's a smarter man than I.

The morals here: Make sure your friends are smarter than you. Make sure you leave on time. And, for God's sake, make sure you don't underestimate your car's size—or at least try to make sure the cops realize how damn stupid the accident is.

The Week On Our Blogs

On The Range, we waged war against Circle K on Twitter; learned that the world is, in general, into weird porn; found out more about downtown's forthcoming Saint House; checked out the Loft Cinema's new farmers' market; hid inside to avoid the record heat; told you where you could find green beer in honor of St. Patrick's Day; gave metal thieves something to worry about; followed up on the saga of Mexican-American Studies activist Sean Arce; and more!

On We Got Cactus, we were all about SXSW 2013, featuring tour diaries from music writers Casey Dewey and Carl Hanni, as well as a collection of e-postcards from "Skinny" scribe Jim Nintzel. We also took a look at the special edition for Phoenix's new album; looked forward to Festival en el Barrio; spoke with the folks from Ape Machine; and more!

Comment of the Week

"I think Dave Mendez should apply. Or maybe Justin Timberlake?" - TucsonWeekly.com user and restaurant reviewer Rita Connelly making an effort to get into my good graces - and succeeding—by suggesting JT and I are both quality candidates to host Jeopardy! ("Alex Trebek to Retire From 'Jeopardy!' in 2016," The Range, March 18).

Best of WWW

Last February, Range contributor Jordan Green, writer of the Idiot Boksen TV column, produced "10 Things I Hate About 'Downton Abbey'," in which he deconstructs and mocks things that make no sense to him regarding a show he appears to legitimately enjoy.

Somehow, and quite weirdly, this appears to be just one of those stories from deep within our archives the people just continue to latch onto - we consistently have one or two new comments a month on it, which boggles my mind. I know this isn't happening, but I have the idea that, sooner or later, Downton fans will take to that post and turn it into a stand-alone forum of sorts. And on that day, I will be endlessly amused.

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