Vampire Academy

This is based on a tremendously popular book series aimed at tween girls, and that’s shameful, because nothing this bad should be aimed at anybody. The convoluted plot goes something like this: Zoey Deutch plays Rose, a Dhampir (half-human/vampire) who’s training to protect Lissa, a Moroi (prissy vampires who dabble in magic) at St. Vladimir’s Academy. They’re the outcasts of the school, and when they’re not being harassed by jealous vamp girls and horny bloodsucker boys, they’re trying to figure out the faculty’s secrets and battling Strigoi (mean vampires). Ninety percent of the dialogue is pure exposition, the special effects are laughable and somebody needs to check Deutch’s DNA against Ellen Page’s. Mix one part Harry Potter, two shots of Twilight, a pinch of Mean Girls and a heaping dose of Juno and, voila! You’ve got one messy cocktail of a movie on your hands.