Valentine

This is a very standard, 1980s style slasher film: Beautiful women are being killed by the nerdy boy they teased in junior high school. Not a particularly well-made or well-paced movie, but at least it's not an ironic commentary on slasher films, nor a bait-and-switch comic take on slasher films, nor even a clever rethinking of the slasher film genre. It's just plain, traditional slashing, without any of that damn postmodernist crap that was such a hit in the 1990s. This sort of honest, straightforward, boring, derivative filmmaking is just what our country needs now as we get over those eight horrible years of peace and prosperity under the insidious and deceitful Clinton administration and return to the good, old-fashioned values of yesteryear. Plus it features Denise Richards, who makes up for her lack of acting ability with her enormous, surgically enhanced breasts. You know, just like in the '80s.

Credits

Director:

  • Jamie Blanks

Cast:

  • Denise Richards
  • David Boreanaz
  • Marley Shelton
  • Jessica Capshaw
  • Katherine Heigl

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